Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Walking on eggshells again

Colin  came home yesterday.  He's back to being sorry for the way  he's acted.  Not overly sorry, but sorry.  I think he has no idea how to act around me anymore.  He gets mad at me fro pulling away.  Then he gets mad at me for not. 

He wanted to go for a motorcycle ride last night.  I told him I  was feeling sick.  I didn't lie.  I i  am sick.  And I don't feel safe.  He doesn't get how impossible it is for me too ride  when I don't feel safe.  I honestly hate it. 

But he realized  when he got  home that  I was sick.  He didn't push the issue.  I'm glad. 

He even kind of tried to say good morning this  morning.  I just can't take this.  I told him I'm not interested.  I wish he would just back off.  Guess I'll have to find a way to find a life for me, without him. 

He didn't even tell me about the Ramblers having their weekend bash this past weekend.  I guess he thinks if he can't go, then I can't go either.  What is wrong with him?  I'm not his property. 

I just don't know what to do right now.  It's better having him not angry.  Or is it really?

I need to get away.  Away from him.  From his warped sense of what life is. 

But I can't right now. 

How can I deal with this?  How can I deal with his stuff, and not piss him off again.  I told him last time, I'm not going to feel like a part of someone's harem.  I deserve better.  I don't think he understands though.  If I'm important to you as a friend, then I'm important.  I'm not a punching bag.  I won't put up with this crap over and over.

He really hurt me on that trip back from Calgary in April.  Nothing has been the same since.  Nothing.  I wonder if he even realizes that's when it all changed?  Probibly not.  Then he might have to actually take some responsibility for his actions - realize it was his actions that have caused this rift between us. 

I just don't know what to do.  Things would be so much easier if I just played along with his game.  Maybe I should for a while.  Until I can get out. 

But I can't keep compromising my beliefs and who I am.  I deserve better than that. 

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