Saturday, June 30, 2012

I am pissed off today.

Pissed off at the scale, but that's all in another blog.

Pissed off at Tammy and Terry.  I am sick of them using me.  Only getting it touch with me when they need or want something. 

I haven't heard from Tammy in over a week now.  Not since I told her I was leaving the farm, and she had to come back and take care of her kids. 

I'm sorry if that pissed her off, but give me a friggin break!  I am not her live in babysitter.  They are her kids.  She should be taking care of them.  I am so glad I never did move into that place.  I was worried about that happening if I lived there.  Guess I was right. 

And Terry.  The crap he's been pulling on me again lately.  I'm sick of him disappearing every weekend like this, then wanting to be buddy-buddy all week long.  Wondering why I keep brushing him off.  Is he honestly that stupid?  He must be.

I've turned the ringer on my phone to silent for whenever they call.  I'm so NOT interested in dealing with their baggage anymore.  I am still looking for the iPhone blacklist function.  I know the jailbroken ones have a Cydia function, but my new iPhone is not jailbroken or unlocked.  So far, there is nothing in the apps store that will do that.

I am sick to death of people who say they are friends using me.  I'm sick to death of not really having anyone I can turn to around here.  Mind you, it was almost the same in Calgary.  I had friends, but no one I'd turn to when things got tough.  I seem to have a problem trusting people with stuff like that. 

I guess right now, I'm just tired.  Tired of it all.  Tired from all the exercise I've been getting.  Tired from not seeing the results on the scale.  Tired of waiting, and hoping, and wishing things were different. 

Thursday, June 28, 2012

My daughter accepted two jobs here today.  One full time days, one PT/casual evenings/weekends.  Both locations know she's working two places, and are willing to work with her.  I'm so proud of her. 

I have a phone interview myself tomorrow.  It's for an oilfield job - chemical delivery.  I am looking forward to talking with them to see what it's all about and if they'll give me a chance.  I sure hope so.

I haven't heard from Tammy yet.  I'm starting to think I won't hear from her at all.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  I still have no intention of fixing this.  It's her bad, she'll have to do the fixing.  I doubt it'll ever happen.  Lee's kind of happy about that. I'm not sure how I feel.  I lost someone I thought was a friend.

Terry hasn't texted me since the storm Monday night.  I texted him last night just to chat - no answer.  Still no answer today.  Maybe this is for the best.  I don't need him and his baggage in my life right now.  Or ever for that matter.  We didn't really know each other anyhow. 

Time to stop looking back.  Time to move forward.  Lee is my future.  I love him.  He's so good to me.  He loves me so much.  Thinking about him brings a smile to my face.  I sure am lucky to have him in my life. 

I used that to help me get out and go running earlier today too.  I want to look my best for him.  I'm looking forward to loosing more weight.  I was at 220lbs when we met.  I want to get back there.  Get back into the dress I was able to wear to the first concert we went to.  I want to get even smaller than that.  I want to be at 220lbs by July 25.  Then 210 by Aug 25 maybe.  It's setting the bar high, but if I keep at it, I know I can do it. 

I am starting to think about starting up a carpet cleaning business here.  I have basically everything I need to give it a go.  I think I'll do up some fliers and business cards.  See what kind of response I get.  Maybe it can be a good side business.  Make some extra $$ for holidays.  Right now, it'd be to pay the bills, but I'm hoping to have a job again soon. 

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Forgive? Really?

I've been thinking about this all night. 

... that no matter how good you try to be to others, you will occasionally hurt them. Forgive yourself for it.
The same will happen with them. Forgive them for it.
I came across this on facebook yesterday.  I am so angry at Tammy for the crap that went on.  I still haven't talked to her.  My plan was to just not.  If she wants to get a hold of me after that, she'll have to call/text.  I doubt I'll ever hear from her.  
Oh.  I think I get it.  I don't have to forget what happened.  But forgiving it will release me from the hurt, and allow me to move on.  
I don't know if I'm ready to or not yet.  I think I might be.  To forgive it, and move on with my life.  That doesn't mean I have to go back to that ever again.  It just means I am no longer carrying hate in my heart.  

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Terry texted me last night.  I was kind of insulted.  He asked me to come out to Tammy's and bring him some supper.  It smelled a lot like his crap he tried on me last year.  He was bragging that he could get me to bring him out some supper.  I didn't fall for it then either. 

Needless to say, I didn't go. 

Talk about a surprise when he texted me this morning just to chat.  I guess he was just hoping I'd come out, and bring him something since I was driving right past.

Anyhow, Tammy hasn't been in touch since last week.  The last time I talked to her was when I told her I had to leave.  I refused to stay with her kids anymore, and left the farm. 

I figure if she wants to fix this, she's going to have to get in touch with me.  Period.  She used me.  She walked out and refused to keep up her end of the bargain.  So screw her.  I'm out. 

That's kind of why I thought last night was a set up.  Maybe it was after all.  But no matter what, I don't regret not going.  I don't regret standing my ground and leaving.  And I won't regret standing my ground and refusing to go out there without an apology. 

I am getting back into running, so I hope these mood swings will level off soon.  I'm also pretty sure cutting toxic people out of my life will help too. 

Sunday, June 24, 2012

I am so worn out right now.  I am exhausted.  I am hoping I sleep well tonight.  It's been a long time since I've had a good night's sleep.  I got in a lot of hours last night, but they were broken up. 

Today I ate well.  Very well.  I am hoping I sleep well now, so I can go running tomorrow.  This will be the third week in a row where I started to run, and life got in the way.  I am getting sick n tired of starting over.  So I figure it's time for me to stop quitting.  It's the only way to not have to start over again.

I still don't know what to do about Tammy and the kids.  I think I'm just going to have to walk away from it.  Let her dig herself into a hole so deep that she can not get out. 

My daughter is moved in here now.  I'm happy about that.  It will be nice to get to know her again.  I'm so glad I get this second chance. 

Lee seems a little stressed, but I'm not surprised.  He told me today if the work here dries up, he may have to go on the road to work again.  He is thinking ahead, and planning to take care of my daughter and I until I can do it.  I love him so much.  He's such a great guy.  But I don't want him to do that.  I have to find work ASAP.  My daughter and I should be my responsibility, not his. 

Tomorrow I'll be applying for EI.  I doubt they will accept it, but the worst they can do is say no, so I might as well try.

I haven't heard from Terry since Friday evening.  He does this every weekend.  He's too busy chasing his next fix to be in touch.  I figure it's only a matter of time before he just doesn't bother to contact me again after one of his weekends.  Part of me is saddened by it all, but part of me gets that it's for the best. 

Tomorrow I'll be getting together some fliers and business cards for carpet cleaning.  I figure 3 homes and I'll have paid for the chemicals I just bought while in Calgary.  Then anything I make after that is all profit.  I will need to get a couple of bug-spray containers though to pre-spray the carpets.  I guess I can go and get them tomorrow. 

While I'm at it, I might look into getting into the battery compartment of the stripper and look into getting a new battery for the starter.  Might as well put that machine to work too.

It's time for me to pull out of this funk I'm stuck in.  Find my inner strength again and really make something of myself.  I need to get back to work.  I need to find a way to make it.  I can't keep relying on others around me.  It only leads to everyone, including me, getting hurt. 

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Wow.  What a crazy week.

Tammy did get back to me and offer the truck again.  I told her I might be able to make other arrangements if this wouldn't work for her.  She assured me it was okay.

Then on Tuesday she called me.  She needed to drive Kyle to Winnipeg - he had to get out of her house.  She needed me to sit with the kids on Tuesday night, and she'd be back Wednesday night. 

My first thought was okay, if she does this, and leaves the truck, I can get it detailed, and still go.  Even if she didn't get back in time, I could take the kids.  There is enough room in her truck.

Well, I was beyond pissed when she loaded up the truck and buggered off. 

More pissed off when I tried to fall asleep, but couldn't.  It was because of all the bugs.  I think they were wood ticks.  Crawling all over me.  I couldn't handle it. 

So needless to say I only got 3 hours sleep that day.  I took care of her kids all Wednesday too. 

Wednesday late afternoon, I called her.  She was running around Winnipeg doing "stuff".  Well, I told her I needed to sleep.  I needed her to come home so I could drive the next day, and I couldn't sleep at her place.  She said she would get moving, and to call her in a bit.

The plan was to have supper with Lee in town, then take the kids home and wait for Tammy.  Well, Lee and I had a fight, so I ended up taking the kids home for supper.

After everyone ate, and the boys were in the tub, I called Tammy.  She was on her way back.  She said she'd be there in 5 hours, and I could call the neighbor to sit with the kids.   I told her I could wait the 5 hours, so just please get home.  This was at 9pm. 

I woke up at 4am - again after 4 hours and fighting off bugs all night.  No Tammy.  I called her.  No answer.  I called the neighbor.  No answer.  I was done.  I decided one more chance for Tammy to answer her phone, or I was taking the kids to the police or hospital. 

She picked up her phone and made some lame excuse as to why she was not home.  I told her I was done.  I had to leave in an hour.  She was still 5 hours away.  Told her I couldn't help that.  I was leaving. 

She had her daughter stay home from school for the day to take care of the boys.  I have no idea what happened that day.  Lee came to get me, and I got back to town, loaded, and on the highway to pick up my daughter by 6am.

I was suspecting that she wouldn't come back.  In the back of my mind, even before I went there, I was worried about it.  She did this to someone else last year - she went for a "day" trip to Regina, and ended up in BC for a week.  That time she took her kids, but left her ill father. 

I knew this and I still went.  I would've taken the kids with me, if she'd left me the truck.  But...

I can't call CPS.  I am worried for the kids.  I am so disgusted by what she did, but I can't do that to her.  But I am so afraid for those kids.  I really do love them. 

Wow.  No wonder I feel like I've been through the ringer these past few days.

At this point, I'm assuming she hates me.  She likely feels I abandoned her kids, when the reality is she did that.  She KNEW I was going to get my daughter on Thursday morning.  She KNEW I was leaving.  What is wrong with her?  Oh yeah.  The drugs. 

I will not call her.  I will not text her.  I am assuming we are done done done.  It hurts, but not as much as what happened this week. 

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Well, today is the day of truth.  I will wait to see if Tammy gets back to me or not.  I am assuming not. 

I just can't keep doing this.  I really need to make some real friends around here.  People who know what friendship really is.  Not people who pretend and put on a front. 

I have already deleted Terry from my iPhone.  I might hear from him a few more times, but I'll be too busy to chat much.  Time to put that whole mess behind me.  Far behind me. 

It's overcast outside today.  I guess that's kind of dragging on my mood.  I'm feeling a little mopey today. 

I will be kicking my butt out the door soon for today's run, but I'm not sure when.  I'm waiting on a phone call from a recruiter for a position I applied for a few days ago.  It's with an oil field company, so I'm looking forward to talking with her. 

I guess I'll have to maybe install the running song on my iPhone and use it as my music player today.  Either that or wear a second headphone that is plugged into my iPhone so I don't miss the call today. 

I think that's the best way to go about this - a second headphone.  The last thing I want to do is miss that call again. 

The trailer hitch I ordered for Max should be here today or tomorrow. 

So that about sums it all up.  The weather is dreary.  I'm feeling a little dreary too.  I've got so much to do today too.  I guess I should get to it.  I have so much work to do in the house here for my daughter coming later this week. 

Maybe that's what I'll do now.  Get up and start moving stuff out of that room.  It's not like I'll have the energy to do it after my run.

Monday, June 18, 2012

I can't sleep tonight. Not sure why. All I know is there's a lot on my mind.

I ran today. It felt great. I felt strong. This evening I went for a walk. I got home and felt better than I have in a long time. I realized how motivated I feel to keep it up. I also realized how much weight I allowed myself to put back on. I sat there tonight wondering how I could let that happen. And how I could feel so trapped that I was unable to loose it again.

I'm not sure what all has changed. Heck, even this morning I was trying to talk myself out of my run. It was a huge undertaking kicking my own butt out the door to exercise. I had to trick myself. By the time I realized what I was doing, I was already 5 minutes into it.

I know my diet has changed. That's obvious. And I guess I have changed too. Something's different now. I feel stronger. Like I can do what I need to do. Like nothing can stop me now.

So why can't I sleep? I'm still not sure.

I haven't heard from Terry today, but that doesn't really bother me. I've decided it doesn't matter. I'm looking for a life partner and he's looking for his next fix. No matter what, it can never work. So I'm walking away. It doesn't really matter anyway. I've got a wonderful man who wants the same things I want.

I am actually looking forward to regaining my hard smaller body for him. I can't call it little, because I'll still be well over 6' tall, and hovering around the 200lb mark, even when I'm back in my size 9 jeans. I can't wait to get there. If I stay on track, I can be there before Halloween.

I'm picking up my daughter in a few days. She's moving down here to live. I'm so excited. I still have some work to do to get the room ready for her.

So why am I up at midnight blogging? I have no idea. I just know there's something on my mind, and I was hoping blogging would help me discover what it was. No such luck though.

Tammy texted earlier today. She offered me use of the truck, but I haven't been able to reach her since this morning. Been trying to arrange to pick up the truck tomorrow night do I can detail it on Wednesday. I guess she's brushing me off too now. I'm really getting tired of this crap from my so called friends.
Tammy texted today.  Said I could use her dad's truck.  I let her know it was okay if it wasn't possible, I'd find another way.  She's okay with it, just worried.  I told her I'll take better care of it than if it were my own.  And I do.  I always treat other peoples things better than my own.  Yes, I am obsessive about taking care of my own things.  But when someone trusts you with something of theirs...

So that's a go.  I'm so glad.

Today I also kicked my butt up out of the chair and went for a run.  I am so glad I did.  My calorie burn is back up there.  I'm moving again.  I was visualizing the awesome body I'm working towards by getting out there and just doing this. 

The endorphins are nice too.  It's been too long since I've felt this good.  I love it. 

I have an interview for a job with the government today at 2:30pm.  It's permanent part time.  As long as there are descent benefits, I'll take it.  I'm excited to go for this interview.  That being said, I'm still applying for other jobs I'm finding.  There are a few oil field jobs that have come up too. 

Wish me luck.  I sure hope I can find one I love soon.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Today I booked a trailer.  I ordered a trailer hitch online, and I'm looking for someone to install it for me on Wednesday night.  It should be here either Tuesday or Wednesday, so I'm hoping I can get it on before I go to Alberta.  If not, no problem.  I'll take it with me to get it installed in Calgary.  The trailer is being picked up on Friday morning at 7am.

I am so excited to pick my daughter up.  We haven't lived together in years.  When I left, she didn't want to come with me.  So I arranged for her to stay until she was done high school.  Well, she graduated.  She has to take a couple of additional classes this summer online, but she's basically done. 

I need to clean out my room.  I have one room here that is full of all my stuff.  That is the room Adrienne is moving into.  So all my stuff has to go.  I have no idea where it's going to go.  I do have access to a U-Haul storage locker for 1 month - it's included with the trailer rental.  So I think I'm going to take advantage. 

I don't really want to put my stuff into storage though, so I have no idea what I'm going to do about this.

Terry's been texting me today.  I figured I wouldn't hear from him again.  Guess I was wrong.  I asked him something today.  I asked him if he was happy.  He told me he was.  That tells me he's happy with the life he's chosen for himself.  He doesn't feel he's missing anything.  He's not interested at all in making changes and settling down. 

I'm not judging his choices.  That's not why I asked.  I asked because he hinted he wanted what we talked about in the past.  He actually asked me to move in with him.  His answer today told me he's not really into that.  He wants to keep his party lifestyle.  It does not work when someone is sitting at home. 

So it's helped me make a decision.  I'll be there for him as a friend if I can.  The biggest problem with that is he does not know what a friend is.  So I also need to keep that in mind. 

I can already see it.  In about 2 months - more likely much sooner - I'll be back here blogging about how I feel hurt, or used, or anything else. 

I have to accept that this is the lifestyle he's chosen for himself.  This is the lifestyle he wants.  Until he doesn't want it anymore, there's nothing that can be done to help him.  Period. 
What a crazy, eventful month so far.  I think things are settling down a bit now.  I am no longer having regularly occurring panic attacks.  I still have some anxiety, but no where near as bad as they were for the first two weeks.

My daughter wants me to come pick her up as early as this Thursday.  I am trying to arrange a truck to take to go and get her, but it's like bashing my head into a brick wall.

Tammy offered.  I even checked with her again a few days later to make sure it was all good.  Then when I let her know I was thinking I'd go this week to see if it works, she never answered me.

Wow.  Why not just be honest and tell me no.  I mean really.  This is really putting a strain on our friendship.  If she can't be honest with me, then forget it.  I know she's got a lot of users in her life.  Then she goes on and on about how everyone's using her.  I'm assuming that's what's happening right now, and I'm being painted with that same brush.  I've already told her.  I don't expect anything out of her.  I don't want any thing from her.  I am just there for her.

So why would she even offer if it's such a big deal?  I mean really.  She didn't have to say anything.  I wasn't asking to borrow her truck.  I was telling her I needed to get one.  That's all.  So I guess I still need to get one.  Or get a trailer and a trailer hitch...

Just finished buying a trailer hitch for my vehicle online.  It should be here in 2-3days.  Here's hoping.  Then I have to get a trailer...

Friday, June 15, 2012

It was a rough day yesterday. 

I went into Regina for a break.  I also picked up lots of stuff I can't find out here.  I got some Quinoa, Coconut milk (even some in chocolate), ground bison, lamb, and a live lobster.  I needed to find some to add variety to my diet, and this will definitely help.  At least for a few days.

I was so excited to bring the lobster back and cook it last night.

Lee was in a bad mood right from the get go.  So needless to say, I didn't cook the lobster.  It's still in the fridge.  I'll cook it tonight.

He was off the deep end angry.  He never said if it was because I went into Regina without him, so I won't put those words in his mouth.  I know it was around the time I'm spending with Tammy.

When we went to get groceries, I told him what's going on with Tammy, and why I'm spending so much time out there.  He was still mad, and even crowding me, so once he was settled into bed with the massage pillow, I told him I was going out to get Subway salad for supper.  I picked one up and went to see Tammy. 

I was mad, Lee was mad.  I needed to get away.

When I got back, we finally talked.  He admitted he is struggling with jealousy.  He knows he's got no reason to be jealous, but he is.  I told him I understand that, and I'll try to do what I can to alleviate it. The reality is though I'm feeling smothered right now.  I need my space.  I hate that I feel I have to take it.

I told Lee my "fight or flight" has been triggered, and I won't fight with him.  So I run.  I know it's a defense mechanism.  I'm finally starting to see why it's been triggered again.

I'm scared.  I am relying on Lee to take care of me, and I'm not sure I can handle that.  Maybe I should apply for EI.  I do have a job interview on Monday, but in the meantime, it can't hurt to have a backup with some kind of $$ coming in right?  I do have a tax return coming - over $5,000.  Plus if I'm not mistaken, I probably have some back CTC owing to me.  That is if the government actually gives it to me.  I'm not holding my breath waiting.

My daughter wants to move in with me soon too.  That has me scared too.  That means we will both be relying on Lee for some help until we both get on our feet.  I'm also scared I'll blow this with her.  I never thought I'd get another chance to get to know her again.  This is huge.  And I hate to admit it, but I'm afraid I'll blow it. 

So I blog.  I write out all my fears, and worries.  Put them down on "paper".  Try to make more sense of them while I work through them all. 

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Last night, Lee and I had a fight.  Rather, he got mad at me, and I left.  I'm such a mess I won't fight with him.  It will only lead to things said that can't be taken back. 

So I went out.  Tammy invited me over - the whole reason Lee was upset with me to begin with.  Tammy's been avoiding me lately.  Last night I found out why.  She's still smoking *#@(%.  It upset me to see her in this state, so I went over to see Terry.  He asked me to stop by.  In about a half hour we were on our way to Tammys. 

He was trying to talk her into stopping. 

As much as it hurt last night, I'm glad I went.  When we were talking on the way to Tammy's I told Terry why I didn't stick around.  He didn't need to be around that crap.  I was worried for him.

After we were there for just over an hour, Terry lit up too.  I almost cried. 

We left a few hours later.  I sat with Terry and watched part of a movie.  He had to go to bed for work, so I got up and left.  I think he was hoping I'd stay, but there's no way.

As much as it hurt me to see what I saw last night, I think I needed to.  No matter how much I care for these people, it doesn't change anything.  Instead it breaks my heart. I hate to see these kids having to live like this.  But it's not my baggage.  I need to walk away from all of it before it becomes my baggage.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

I feel so lost today.  I have a pretty good idea what it all is.  I need to say good bye to some people who are toxic in my life.  My head knows it.  My heart also kind of knows it.  But that doesn't make it any easier.

There was a time when I believed they were friends.  When I believed they would be there when I needed someone.

They have proven they are not that.  Drugs has too strong a hold on them.

It really hurts me to know such good people are lost to drugs like this.  That there is nothing I can do.  I tried before.  It didn't go well.  In their warped sense of thinking, I was responsible for some of the bad things going on in their lives.  Let me tell you, you do not want to be the scape goat in this senario.  It's downright dangerous.

It broke my heart when I had to walk away before.  I am not as involved this time, but I can already feel it hurting.

The strange thing is, I know most of this emotional turmoil is due to other things - namely this cleansing diet I'm on.  I've lost 10lbs already, and am still loosing way too fast.  Part of my weight loss journey is dealing with the emotional issues that helped pack those pounds on.  It's almost like the fat has an emotional memory.  When it's accessed again, and burned off, the emotions come out of it.

I know this all sounds kind of crazy, but if you've ever undergone significant weight loss, you might have an idea what I'm talking about.  It's a very emotional process.  You have to come to terms with the issues that packed that weight on.  For some reason, it all seems so much more overwhelming as it's coming off.  I really have no idea why.

In general, I feel better.  I feel stronger.  I have more coping skills.  All due to the fitness that is happening when I'm loosing the weight.

Maybe that's it.  I believe you are only dealt what you can handle.  Maybe my stronger coping skills are allowing these issues to surface again.  I am strong enough to deal with this baggage that had to be buried earlier on.

I hate this feeling.  I feel so foggy.  So lost.  So hurt.

Despite all of this, I know I can get though it.  I will do all I can to fight it off.  I'll do my best to not text or contact Terry or Tammy today.

Even as I write this I feel so selfish, especially when it comes to Tammy.  She's having a tough time right now.  I wish I could be there for her, but it feels like she's pushing me away.

I couldn't do it.  I sent her a message.  Let her know I'm here if she wants to talk.  Even just to come out and visit.  I hate to see her going through this crap.  And realistically, I need some support too.  I feel so vulnerable right now.

I miss having my friend to talk to.  To rely on.  To bounce things off of.

As for Terry, I don't need that in my life at all.

I still don't know what happened with him last year.  I have no idea how I let my guard down and let him in so fast. Or how I fell so hard for him so fast.  I guess I was just much more lonely than I wanted to believe.  I didn't even feel safe.  But when I was with him, I believed he wouldn't let anything happen to me.  I felt safe.  I was able to sleep again.  Add the fact that he seemed to need me too, and wow. 

But why is it still there now?  After the way he treated me?  I've moved on.  Or at least I thought I have.  I love Lee.  He's the best man I've met in a very very long time.  Every day he makes me feel like I'm the only one.  He spoils me rotten.  I couldn't ask for more. 

So what's going on with me? 

Some people in your heart can not be in your life 

I really needed to see this today.  Now I need to hold it close to my heart and thoughts, and live by it.  

I almost met up with Terry last night.  I don't think meeting up with him is the bad thing.  But he wanted to go to his place and watch movies.  I am so glad I am still too freaked out by what happened to go out to the farm again.  

We did text for a while though.  

I don't know why I'm drawn to him again.  No idea.  When I saw him last week, I realized there is nothing physically drawing me to him.  

I think it's the lost puppy thing he's got going on.  My desire/want/need to help others.  

And seeing him so vulnerable on Sunday.  I never thought I'd see it again.

But I need to remember what happened last time.  He not only ran scared, he hurt me badly.  Humiliated me.  Why would I open myself up to that again?  I deserve so much better.  I have so much better.  What I have now is so NOT worth risking for this looser.  Yes, he's a looser.  I know it. 

Monday, June 11, 2012

I figured something out last night.

This whole Terry thing had an interesting turn last night.

The withdraws were getting to me again.  I was starting to vibrate, so I arranged with Tammy to go out to the farm for a while and visit.

Well, surprise surprise, Terry showed up.  Well, to make a long story short, we got a chance to talk.  Really talk.  Alone.

Terry was telling me how he's feeling lost these days, so I let him talk.  Get it all off his chest.

Well, before the conversation was over, he said something I never thought I'd hear from him.  He made a huge mistake.  The last time he remembers being happy was when we were together.  He panicked and ran, and he regrets it.  Thinks it's the biggest mistake he's ever made.  Then he asked me to move in with him.  Said he'd get "us" a place if I'd move in with him.

I just about fell out of my chair.  I knew he was kind of working on me again, but wow.  I told him I couldn't.

I got home and he texted.  Asked me if I wanted to go to the movie.

I really need to talk to him.  I can't do this, for so many reasons.

But all of this got me thinking.  I remember how much I cared about him.  How much it hurt when we broke up.  And I remembered how I've had so many others in my life do the same thing.  Jon.  I was over the moon for him.  Not sure why, but I cared so deeply for him.  Then he asked me to leave.  Two months later, he was asking to move in with me here.  Bruce.  It was great for years and years.  But it got really bad during the breakup - divorce always can be.  But he has been trying to get me back since I left.  I wasn't worth saving while I was there, but as soon as I was gone...  Colin.  Okay, with him we did not have a relationship like that.  We were room mates.  But he was always so angry.  He scared me.  So I ran.  Within 2 months, he was almost begging me to move back in.

Why am I a magnet for this kind of treatment???

Lee is so different.  He treats me like a queen.  All the time.  He tells me he loves me.  He tells me I'm beautiful.  He tells me how lucky he feels.  His actions and his words tell me the same thing - I am important to him.

There is no way I'm throwing away what Lee and I have for someone like Terry.  Next time he texts me, I'll let him know we need to talk.  I need to tell him some truths.

I need to tell him I can't afford this.  He hurt me really badly last time.  I can't risk it again.  I won't.  I'm happy now.  And he needs to move on. 

I came home last night.  Curled up in Lee's arms for the night, and never felt better.  He loves me.  I can see it.  I can feel it.

There never was any question about this.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Today is much better.  I finally figured out why my thoughts have been so erratic and scattered.  I am going through sugar withdraw.  It's pretty bad right now.  It explains a lot - why I'm anxious, unsettled, why my fight or flight is so often triggered and I'm running from it. 

I did text Terry yesterday.  Just said hi.  Asked him if he knew where to get buffalo meat around here.  Lee and I can't seem to find any.

That's about it.  This morning, I realized this is not a path I want to really go down again.  If I hear back from him, ok.  If not, ok.  I don't really care either way.  Getting a hold of him was not to reconnect in any big way.  I guess we have kind of started to reconnect over the past week as it is.  It's just ...

I don't really know what it is.  I don't want a relationship with him again.  I am happy with Lee.  Lee treats me very very well.  Why would I want to go back to someone who treated me so badly?  Nope, I definitely don't. 

I think it's all coming down to my wanting to help people again.  Yeah, I think I've gotta get over that.  I don't need to keep attracting "wounded animals" into my life.  I deserve so much better.  I deserve real friends, who'll be there for me when I need someone.  Who'll be there to help me celebrate the happy times.  To be a shoulder to cry on in the tough times.

So I'm thinking it's done.  I won't be in touch with Tammy or Terry again.  If I hear back from them, I'll respond.  But I won't go seeking them out anymore. 

I don't know what is wrong with me - I seem to keep seeking out these high risk situations.  Thing is, I don't really like it most of the time.

Oh well.  At least once in a while I can see what I'm doing, and realize I don't want it. 

Sometime this week, I'll have to start the job search again.  That's a whole other story.  I'll get into it later.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

My thoughts are still such a mess.  Last night Tammy invited Lee and I out to meet her at the bar for Karaoke.  I told Lee, and he was up for it at first.  Then he decided no.  Well, when I told him I still was going, he got mad.  We are really struggling right now.  I don't even know why.  I know he loves me.  I know he wants me in his life.

But right now, I just need to get out of the house.  Get out and do something.  I'm not always like this.  Often I love to just stay home and watch tv for the evening.  In fact, we've been doing that for months and months.  I think that's part of why I want to get out and do something so badly.

I just need to find a way to tell Lee this will pass.  I'll want to stay home again soon.  But right now I want to get out.  Socialize.  And no that doesn't mean flirt or date or any of that crap.  I love Lee.  I'm faithful.  I just need to have interests and a life outside of us.

I'm feeling crowded.  Not just in the way I've said above.  I have no room in this house for my stuff.  None.  Everything I own is stacked into one room.  So tightly stacked I have trouble finding my things.  My daughter is moving down here soon too.  She'll be moving into that room.

So what do I do now?  I mentioned this to Lee.  He's fine with it, and figures we'll find room.  I'm stressed about it all.  There is NO room.  Period.

While I'm in here working through all of this, I might as well be 100% honest.  Terry is still on my mind.  I'm wondering if part of my fowl mood last night isn't partly due to the fact he never even bothered to send me a text.  How messed up is that???  I really don't need or want this crap in my life again.  He is not even attractive - not at all.  I think my wires are still crossed though.  However he won me over before, it still seems to have some hold on me.  But I need to break it.  The hell he put me through last fall.

The worst part is, the more aloof I am about him and all of this, the more he is chasing.

Maybe it would be best for everyone if I just laid low for the next while.  No more seeking this stuff out.  But even as I am typing this, I know I'll be on my phone texting Tammy to see if she wants to get together.  Wow, I'm really screwed up in the head these days again.

Just to be clear - I am not attracted to Terry.  I don't want him back in my life.  Even if I weren't with Lee, I wouldn't want Terry.  Maybe I need to adopt a part of that theory that Jon has - you get one shot with me.  Once it's over, it's over.  Never look back.

Besides, if for some stupid reason I did look back, what do I have to look back to?  Being ignored.  Crying alot.  Being alone all the time.  Being treated like garbage.  Having my significant other telling everyone how "crazy" I am - mainly due to his drug issues.  So not what I want or need in my life.

But Terry said something the other day that hit me.  He hinted that if I told him to not do this anymore, he'd quit.  He kept saying he was going to be kicking his own butt the next day.

Maybe that's my problem.  Wanting to help others.  That is so unhealthy in this situation though...

Friday, June 8, 2012

Never thought I'd ever see that...

wow.  What a night - and no not a good one.

Tammy is so much worse than I thought.  Last night I saw her doing much stronger drugs than I ever thought she'd ever do.  Just couldn't believe what I was seeing.

I knew she had drug issues, but I didn't think she did anything harder than pot.  What an eye opener.

Terry too.  He was there.  I saw him the night before.  We were all having drinks and a bonfire at Tammy's.  Of course, there was pot.  There's always pot.  No biggie.

Terry was acting differently though.  He was not crowding me, but almost hovering.  It was strange.  I just kept an eye on him and what he was up to.  He didn't try anything.  He kept getting me drinks.  Then when I fell asleep - yes fell asleep not passed out - he made sure I was in a bed with a good pillow and left.  As soon as his truck pulled out, I was up and out of bed again and out with everyone.  I just needed some down time and I was right back up and in it again for a while.

Last night, same kind of thing.  He was just being so considerate.  Seeing him high like that was a major turn off.  Not that he ever had a chance of turning me on again anyway, but wow.

We went for a short walk around the farm.  He made sure I had a warm enough coat.  And we just talked.  When he and Chad left, he asked me if it would be okay to get a hold of me to talk again.  I told him he knew where to find me.

I don't expect him to contact me any time soon.  Tammy and her boarder went to Regina today for something.  I'm assuming he's with them.  Just a good reminder of how he was before, and that I NEVER want to go back there again.  NEVER!

But then why can't I get this out of my head???

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Wow.  Been a long time since I posted here.  I had no idea. 

Life just kinda went crazy for a bit and I lost touch with this blog.  But no time like the present to pick it up again.

So much has changed since that last blog post.  Terry's out of my life for good.  I finally was able to move on and break away.  I lived with Tammy for a couple months.  Mostly lived in her place - she was in the hospital, so I moved in and helped take care of her kids, and home.  It was a very busy, very crazy month.  Once that all settled down though, I found myself moved on from her place. 

We've tried to keep in touch, but she lives such a different lifestyle than I do.  I've felt for a couple of months now we are just growing apart.  At first I was fighting to keep it from happening.  But then I realized, I was the only one fighting for it.  So I gave up.  We might text once a week now.  Talk?  Heck, we haven't in over a month.  It makes me sad.  I thought I had a good friend in her.  I guess it was mostly one sided though.  Oh well.

I've heard though the grapevine that Terry often asks about me.  I really wish he'd stop, and I think he may have.  I haven't heard him asking around a few weeks now.  I like it that way much better. 

I have a new vehicle.  A new place to live.  A new sweetheart.  A new job.  There have been so many significant changes in my life over the past 6 months, it amazes even me.

Right now?  I'm on a medical cleansing diet.  I saw a naturopath a week ago Friday, and they put me on this diet to help me test for food allergies.  Today is day 6.  I am really struggling with this one.  I'll write a post about it all later. 

Summer is finally starting to show it's head around here.  I'm actually starting to enjoy it too. 

There's a lot going on in my life right now.  I also have a lot to be thankful for.  I can genuinely say I am happy.  I really am.  I have a feeling of peace these days, despite the stress my body is under right now for this dietary testing.