Sunday, May 15, 2011

Today's Challenge from Jillian Michaels (Facebook)

CHALLENGE: This week, try staying firmly rooted in the present, not regrets from the past or worries about the future. Your power exists in the now. So many go through life on autopilot without ever stopping to question things or cultivate a life they're passionate about. So, set your alarm to go off every hour throughout your day. When it does take inventory of what you're doing & how it makes you FEEL. If you love something do more of it. If you don't make a course correction. Your emotions will help guide you to your happiest healthiest life.
 I am honestly afraid of what I'll find today if I do this.  Okay, maybe not afraid.  I know what I'll find.  I'm not happy now.  Even when Colin is not being such a complete jerk, I'm still not happy.  I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  

I guess it's time for me to grow up.  Face reality.  I'm not happy here.  I really never was.  I tried.  I tried everything I could.  I tried to be understanding of what he was going through.  I tried.  But it wasn't enough.
 I've taken a few steps in the right direction.  I have blocked him from my blogs/facebook, etc.  I have also deleted my email information from his computer.
I used to believe I could help Colin.  I used to believe he was a good man, somewhere in there.  I used to believe he was just this way because he never learned any better, but if I gave him some time, he'd come around and stop this...
I was so wrong.  I've never been that wrong before in my life.
At least I'm starting to get it.  I am looking online at what it'll cost me for a trailer.  One way to Calgary.  I am also looking at just making a trip there on the long weekend.  Drop off the bikes and come back.  Then all I have to do is pick up and go when I'm ready.  Might be more cost efficient to just go one way.  Never look back.  Screw how badly it'll mess with his mind.  The a$$ doesn't deserve to have me around anymore anyway.


  1. Okay, so here is my first check in.

    I'm sitting here. Colin just took off. Wouldn't even say two words to me. Just buggered off.

    No, I'm not happy. I feel like crying.

    So what will make me happy? His not being such an a$$? No, honestly that won't do it. I am forever worried about when he'll loose it again. So obviously being here will never make me happy.

    So what will? I was happy yesterday, despite his attitude. It was the endorphins from running. I find I am better able to cope with Colin's crap when I exercise regularly.

    Guess there's my answer for today. Exercise.

    Long term? Here's hoping I get a job offer in Calgary...

  2. Still sitting here. I was feeling better for a bit. A friend came by. Took me out of the house for some groceries and a coffee. It was nice. (Thanks Ryan).

    Colin came home. Still being his charming self. At least he's getting dressed and leaving again right away. He's taking the motorcycle out. Thank god. I just don't want him around.

    This is crazy. I'm sitting here waiting for the sound of his motorcycle starting up. I can't wait for him to just leave. Bye bye a$$

  3. I'm chatting with a friend online. Really enjoying it. Even laughing. Out loud. It's been a long time...

  4. Tuesday May 17, 1pm
    I just don't know right now. I'm full of nervous energy. I am actually scared. I am scared I will go to Colin and basically beg him to talk to me again. Beg him to stop treating me this way. Tell him I'm sorry for whatever I did.

    But I know in my heart I didn't do anything wrong. I am doing what is right for me. It's just opening me up to these attacks from him.

    But life would be so much easier on me if I just went back to the way it was...

    Or would it? All of his conversations - or rather rants - are about how he was right, everyone else was wrong, and if they choose to cross him how they deserved to die. Seriously. It's hard on me listening to that.

    But I feel so trapped...