Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Disconnected, and scared.

I am so disconnected today.  I didn't even realize it..  I think I've been this way for a while.  I remember having anger issues last week.  My best guess is that not long after the anger went away, the disconnection took over. 

I need to fix this.  I will just get worse and worse if I don't reconnect. 

I'm not even sure why I've disconnected.  I just know I am. 

I've got a big birthday coming up in a month.  I'm turning 40.  I've known for a while this one will be tough.  I remember how tough 30 was.  This one is worse.  Loosing my brother last fall is just making it so much worse.  He was younger than I am. 

I also have issues with Hubby.  But I'm wondering if the issues are real, or if I'm nit picking.  Afraid of things going so well, so I try to sabotage them?  Maybe. 

I've gained weight.  Almost if not all that I lost in 2009.  I'm struggling with that fact.  I know how to fix it, but haven't done anything about it yet.  I don't really know why.

I have everything I need to get my fitness back on track.  In fact, until last Friday, I was on track again.  I was running 3 days/week, and going to the gym the other 3.  I ran 6 days the first week.  Then started the gym/run alternating the next week. 

I haven't gone to do either this week yet.  No real reason.  I just haven't.  I'm feeling worse for it. I'm feeling guilty for not going. 

I finally realized this afternoon just how disconnected I am.  I know it's a defense mechanism.  I don't know why.  I just know it is.  I guess it's time to focus on what I need to do to bring me back.  Get this fog out of my head.

Mindfulness.  Every day.  All the time.  But in the beginning, especially focusing on doing it throughout the day.  Countdowns.  5 things I see.  5 things I hear.  5 things I smell.  5 things I feel.  5 things I taste.  4 things I see....etc. 

Keep tracking everything I eat.  I need to be mindful of what I'm putting in my body.  And I need to focus on drinking water.  Maybe it's time to cut out all other drinks.  It's a shock to the system, but maybe that's what I need. 

Feeling a little better today

I took today off work - called in sick.  I'm not really lying.  I have been out of sorts for a few days now.  Besides, I have to do some day to day stuff that I really can't do while I'm at work - replace my debit card, see the chiropractor, get my new glasses adjusted.  It's a shame I'll loose the 2 hours of overtime.  But since I'm salary, I won't loose the entire day.  I still feel guilty about it though.

So I'm starting my morning off by sleeping in.  Going to get a good breakfast at some point.  Get all my running around done too.

I didn't do anything last night after work.  The office shut down an hour early.  A blizzard blew in.  We got out of there while there was still some daylight to see. 

I need to not only get moving again.  I also need to get practicing.  I don't want to waste the time and money I spent on those dance lessons this past weekend. 

Overall I've been feeling completely defeated.  I got on the scale this morning.  I wasn't expecting to see any results - I haven't worked at it since last Thursday.  I was kind of surprised to see some progress.  Mind you, when I was kicking my butt, I didn't see any.  I know there can be a lapse between the work, and the results.  I also know something else.  If I don't get back to it soon, I'll watch that hard work all be wasted too.

I know it doesn't really sound like it, but I am feeling a little better today.  More at peace.  I've just fallen into a rut, and need to find a way to crawl back out of it.  I guess I need to write a today's kick in the butt blog soon. 

Tuesday, January 29, 2013


It's been a very long week. If you've read my last blog, you will know why hubby and I are having problems. They are not getting any better.

I'm also struggling to get out and do what I need to do for my fitness. Yesterday, I was so depressed, I just went home and straight to bed. No supper. No bath. No fitness.

It wasn't good.

I can't keep doing that.

Today I HAVE to get out. Either to the gym or running after work. Either one is okay. As long as I do something.

I can't get upset by the results I didn't get with the work I didn't do. How do I expect to ever get this back on track if I let these things knock me right off???

Besides, I really felt bored last night. Bored and ashamed. Ashamed that I didn't do what I needed to do to get the job done.

The plan for tonight is either the gym or running, supper, then off to the gym to practice dancing. I've got 6 weeks before I should get back to see Richard. I need to KNOW the stuff he challenged me with this past weekend. The better I know it, and can feel it, the faster I'll progress onto something more with my dancing.

As for hubby, we still aren't really talking. I don't even know who to talk to him. I'm so upset by it all, I just want to walk away.

But then I realize what I'd be loosing. I don't know.

Why am I so confused? Maybe as good as this all is, it's just not a right fit for me. Or am I just sabotaging things because for once they are good????

I hate this.

I really need to turn my mind to better things. Find the beauty in everyday things around me again. Pull myself out of this funk.

It's my birthday in a couple of weeks. Just under 3 actually. It's a big one. Maybe that's what's bothering me?

I really don't know anymore. All I know is I'm very very sad.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

I really don't know what to do.  I'm not his mother.  It's not my place in his life. 

Maybe I just don't have a place in his life.  Maybe that's what this is all about.

I TOLD him this was a deal breaker for me.  So he went out and did it again 2 weeks ago.  Then wondered why I pulled away from him for two weeks. 

I finally came around, and he goes and does it the very next day! 

I can't do this.  I can't need to spend my life worrying about it, not trusting him.  I won't live like that. 

And honestly, at this point, I don't trust him.  Obviously.  I sent someone out to spy on him last night.  I'm not proud of it, but that's what happened.  I couldn't reach him. 

I finally blew up.  Told him I'm thinking of not coming back.  At this point, if I didn't love my job so much, I wouldn't go back.  I know.  There are issues at work too that are adding to this stress. 

Right now, if I could, I'd transfer to Calgary and be done with this whole mess.  I'm actually thinking of going back to work and working towards that.  A transfer out of here.  Or maybe it's just time to walk away.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

What a friggin scam!

I am friggin PI$$ED OFF today.

I got transfered to another office at work a few weeks ago. I was told it was at most only an extra 5minute drive. WRONG. It's about twice as far.

Anyhow, out here, everyone who gets hired gets at least one hour of OT to go towards travel. It takes everyone almost an hour each way, but generally everyone gets an extra hour.

Today I talked to the boss about this. He said no. I agreed to this, and that's all there is. I told them when I accepted the job, it was with a 20min drive, not a 55min drive.

Their opinion - too bad.

I have a lot to consider now.

Do I look for a new job?
In all honesty, I like my job here. I don't mind the overtime shifts either. But come on. Heck, some guys out here get paid from the minute they leave thier house 75minutes away, until they get back.

I'm just so frustrated right now.

In the meantime, I'm not going to knock myself out anymore. Not for this crap. They have even said already, I am doing more work than the girl I am replacing. And she had the extra hour available to her.

Plus in all reality, I'm here longer! Not by much, but I'm here working at my desk 15minutes earlier EVERY DAY! I can tell you, that's going to end RIGHT NOW!

What a friggin scam.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

I am really not sure what this all will bring.  All I know for sure is things are tense. 

Hubby and I haven't really even tried to fix this yet.  Instead, we are both kind of pretending it didn't really happen.  Mind you, things are not right. 

He bought me a necklace yesterday.  I wish he hadn't.  I can't be bought.  So I just put it in the bag with the jeans I had just bought myself earlier that morning.

Seems strange, but my frustration out of this mess is what's fueling my motivation to move again.  To not just sit here and let my behind expand anymore.  I really kicked it out of the park yesterday.  Not once did I feel bad for putting my moving ahead of some us activity.  I had no reason to.  Hubby was still nursing a hang-over, and at this point knows better than to try to guilt me into anything.  He's lucky I'm still here. 

Actually, if I had somewhere else to go, I would've gone for the weekend. 

Anyhow, today is a new day.  I have some things I really should take care of before a new work week starts.  Groceries.  Preparing as much as I can ahead of time regarding meals, etc.  Laundry.  Laying out my fitness gear so I don't have to search for it after a long day at work.  Putting away the new jeans, etc I've picked up this weekend.  And generally getting a game plan together. 

In all honesty, I haven't slept well in a few days either.  Last night was under 6 hours.  I need to fix that tonight.  I can't be running on half a tank of rest and fuel the huge amounts I have to do every day.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

2012 was a long, tough year.  I can honestly say I'm glad it's over.  Between the stress on the job, losing so many family members, it was just more than I could take. 

I've started this year off fighting back. 

First off, I'm keeping a positive blog.  Trying to find something positive every day.  Or a poster/picture that caries a message that has meaning to me, and will help guide me on the right path in life.  At least, what I think is my right path.  Today is day 12, and I've kept it up.  They are not long blogs, but there is one there for every day.  I'm still working this into my daily routine.  Once it finds an appropriate "spot", it'll take 3 weeks of doing it then to become a habit.

I am also working on my weight loss again.  I've found I've struggled and kept giving up on myself time after time.  A couple of nights ago, I had a lot of trouble breathing.  Just like the asthma-like attacks I used to have.  It was frustrating to think they are coming back again, but it shouldn't surprise me.  Last summer I noticed the heartburn and abdominal pains are back too. 

This attack made me realize I really can't just keep waiting for something to happen to make the weight go away.  I NEED to do it.  I need to make the steps.  NOW.

On Friday morning, I tried on my jacket that I got from the Las Vegas RnR marathon.  It was tight when I bought it.  Well, it was not as tight yesterday.  It is still pulling across my chest, but not as much.  Hubby walked in and busted out laughing.  When I got mad at him, he told me that would never change.  I told him it would so.  When I loose weight, it gets looser.  That's just the way it goes.  Well, he doesn't believe that.  I left for work angry.  Heck, I'm still angry about that one.

It made me realize something though.  He's been like this from the start.  The "go-to" meal around here is pasta.  Yes, I make my own pasta sauce, and it's great.  But having pasta as much as we do, no wonder I've put on pounds.  When Hubby suggested pasta on Thursday night, I went out, bought chicken breasts, and cooked up my old go-to meal when I was loosing weight.  Grilled chicken breast with a little seasoning, baked potato with a little bit of butter, salt and pepper, and lots of vegetables.  Doesn't really matter what kind.  Even frozen will do in a pinch.  Just lots and lots of vegetables.  That entire dinner comes to under 500 calories.  If I'm really hungry and craving more  protein, another chicken breast will only add another 171 calories.  That still does not set me too high for my supper. 

When I try to set aside time/energy to go running, he does all he can to make sure it doesn't happen.  Talks me out of it.  Makes me feel bad for being too tired/sore to have sex after.  You name it, he has done it.

It's taken me months to be sure, but now I am.  He doesn't want me to loose the weight.  He does everything in his power to try to stop it. 

I can't keep letting this happen.  It's my body.  It's my choice.  I can't let him keep taking that away from me.  Look at where it's gotten me so far.

The positivity blog I'm keeping seems to be helping when this kind of crap gets thrown at me.  I actually created another positive blog AFTER all of this happened.  So although it does make me angry, it no longer completely ruins my day. 

Yesterday was a day to be ruined.  It started out with Hubby laughing about my trying on that jacket.  Then I got stuck in a severe winter storm.  I did make it home safe, but was really frazzled by the time I did.  Then when Hubby came home, he didn't seem to have any idea why I might be out of sorts.  I really don't get what's wrong with men.  Anyhow, he went out for the afternoon, and didn't come home until after midnight, drunk.  Yes, he drove his truck drunk again.  The one thing I told him was a deal breaker for me. 

Anyhow, I don't know what I'm going to do.  I just want to dig my car out and leave town, at least for the weekend.  Where am I going to go?  I just don't think staying here is a good idea.  So for right now, I've got the coffee on.  I'm updating my blogs.  And I'm going to just stay put. 

But I am going to go out for a run today.  No if's-and's-or-but's about that one.

Friday, January 11, 2013

This morning Hubby really pissed me off.  This is a bad one. 

He knows I'm not happy with the weight I've put on.  I have a jacket that used to fit, and now "stretches" across my chest when I zip it up. 

Today I tried it on.  It's a little looser than it was.  I haven't been able to focus on my weight loss, but I felt so wonderful.  It's a little looser. 

Well, he walked in and busted out laughing.  The told me that it will never change. 

I got pissed off and walked out.  No good-bye kiss on my way to work.  Just walked. 

I don't even want to be here now.  I'm home early - a winter storm has shut my office down for the day.  You can see the mess of that all in my previous two blogs. 

Anyhow, I'm done with his crap.  No more talking me into not pushing my fitness like I KNOW I need to in order to see progress/results.  No more talking me into eating out, or making pasta my "go to" supper.  I'm DONE.

And if he thinks sex is going to come before my running, he's off his nut.  At this point, I don't even want him touching me at all.

January 11 2013 - blizzard blew in while I was at work

At the office this morning.  It honestly wasn't even snowing or blowing when I left home.

And the wonderful drive home.  The road kept disappearing on me. It usually takes me 40 minutes to drive one way.  This morning, it took me almost 3 hours.  But I'm happy to report, I'm home safe and sound.  Shiney side up. 

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Still adjusting to the longer hours at work.  Not sure how long I'll have them, so I'm taking full advantage while I can. 

I don't mind the longer hours.  It's just hard, with a 45minute drive each way as well.  Harder when the prarie winter storms turn my drive into 2hours + one way. 

All in all I'm enjoying the new office, and the extra hours.

Hubby and I are going to Las Vegas again.  March 10. For the Nascar races on Sunday.  Flights have worked out that we are there for a week again, so we are booking shows, etc. 

This time we are going with some friends of his. 

I'm excited to go.  It'll be nice to get away.  All the stress and crap that was going on at work.  I know.  It's gone now, but it sure took a toll. 

With the longer hours at work, I am struggling to find time for fitness.  I'm not giving up though.  I'm going to find a way to make this all work. 

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Talked to the boss today.  Looks like I'm getting things done so much faster than they expected, that I won't really have any overtime soon.  Funny, but I was a little upset when I was told that.  I vaguely recall being upset at the prospect of having to do overtime every day when it was first mentioned to me.  Funny how that all changes.

Anyhow, I guess I'll just see what happens.  If it's meant to be, it will.

Monday, January 7, 2013

First day at the new office

It was great. It is such a better place to work. There are a few things I've got to work out - getting used to the drive, having to go to another trailer every time I need the bathroom, changing in and out of my shoes every time I go outside, and the overtime. I didn't realize until now just how big a toll it's taking on me. I'm thinking today's exhaustion is mainly from being up at 3am. I couldn't sleep. Then I had to make two stops on the way home.

I'm thinking ill have to be sure I have all my weeks groceries BEFORE Sunday night.

Other than that, I'm loving the new office. So friendly.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

A New Year...

It's been a long time since I blogged.  I found myself very busy.  Things in life kind of took a turn for the worse. 

After my brothers funeral, things kept piling on.  Mom had a knee replacement, and needed me to run her to the hospital for the surgery, home after, and back in for an infection a week later.  This wouldn't have been such a stressful issue, but a one way trip from my home, to moms, and to the hospital is about 8 hours of driving.  Don't get me wrong.  I am glad I was able to do it.  It was just a huge "thing" for me.

At work things got really bad.  Mostly because of the time I needed off. 

In December, my grandfather passed away.  I was too sick to get to that funeral, but I tried. 

And of course, family "crap" from Matthews funeral.  It's gotten so bad I'm just walking away.  I'm beyond done. 

In early December, I went to Las Vegas with my son to run in the Rock and Roll Half Marathon.  I put my back out two weeks before, and was barely able to move.  Changing from lying to sitting, or sitting to standing would cause me to black out from the pain.  It broke my heart to have to accept I had to drop out of the race.  In the end, I walked it.  I did cross the finish line, and went the whole distance.  That helped me feel a little better.  I felt like I could still do something.  Finish something I started.

Between the family stress, losses, and crap at work, I am SO glad 2012 is over.  I don't think I could have taken any more. 

Tomorrow, I start at a new location.  Working for the same company, just at a new office location.  That was a lot of stress to bring about.  And the stress in the last week in that office leading up to my move just got so much worse.  At least I'm out of there now. 

The new position will entail overtime - up to 2 hours every day.  I have made some arrangements to save/invest this "new found" income.  So my retirement investments/savings will start to grow like crazy. 

I'm struggling with some issues with Hubby.  He was stressed out over the Las Vegas trip.  He came with my son and I, but...

Overall it was a great trip.  However, my son told me after the trip he felt like he was a third wheel on our trip.  Didn't really feel fully included.  That bothered me.  The trip was for him.  Hubby also told me later that the next trip would be just us.  He didn't really like having my son along.  It bothers me that he doesn't get it.  This trip was for my son.  Period.  It was his 21st birthday gift, Christmas gift, and a chance for him and I to get to know each other as adults, not a parent-child.    It just feels like I let him down on all fronts there. 

Hubby is also stressed about a few more things.  We talked.  I'm getting back into dance competitions.  He wants to learn with me.  So not only am I learning my routines (lots of stress there right now), I'm teaching him too. 

Don't get me wrong.  I LOVE dance.  I'm excited to learn the new routines.  To get back to competing.  To teach Hubby so I have a dance partner.  It's all good. 

It's his stress that's getting to me.  He seems to think it'll just come to him.  I keep telling him, you need to work at it to learn right now.  Eventually, it'll get easier.  But for right now, it's work work work. 

As for my routines, I still don't have them.  I talked to an instructor in Vegas - early December.  He was going to send me videos.  So far, nothing.   April is the first competition.  It's coming up soon, especially considering I can't take weekly lessons.  I need the time to work through the routines and learn them so I'm ready to connect with my instructor and practice.  It's starting to stress me out.  I'm even considering getting another instructor to get me started.  I'll be making contact sometime next week to work this all out. 

I use these blogs to vent.  To work through the thoughts rolling around in my head, and maybe my heart.  To get them out so I can see they are not as big as I may be making them out to be. 

Hubby saw me blogging this morning.  It was my financial blog - where I'm tracking my journey to having some retirement savings.  He was concerned at what I was saying.  Nothing was really all that detailed.  It went into how much I'm contributing of my salary to different programs, how much the company is doing, and finally what I'm going to do with the overtime I'll start to be getting.  General terms, and percentages.  He got a little excited.  I know he isn't used to this blogging thing.  He has no idea why I do it.  I don't think he even knew I did before today, or what I blogged about. 

I just wish he'd understand, I need to deal with my issues/things in my own way.  We both see my wanting to dance differently.  My desire to loose weight.  To run.  He sees it as too much stress on my body.  I've tried to tell him, yes it's stressful.  I need to do it to get where I want to be.  Yes, I'm struggling with health problems.  I won't let them keep me from doing what I need to do to get past these problems.  Loosing the weight will help alleviate the physical symptoms of whatever it is that is causing me so much digestive distress and pain.  It also helps with my breathing.  My energy levels.  And my overall mental health.  He just doesn't get it.  All he sees is how exhausted I am.  How I have to force myself to just get out there and do it, especially for the first couple of weeks.  Then he starts to sabotage it.  Cooking foods I love, that are more padding than fuel - which makes the next run/workout that much harder to do.  It also stalls my progress out, and I end up discouraged. 

I am just starting at times to feel a little trapped.  He's supportive of my "things", but only so far.  If it goes against something he wants, he starts to make me feel like I'm doing something wrong. 

I won't park in the driveway anymore.  He makes a habit of parking across the driveway entrance, so I can't go anywhere with my vehicle unless I move his truck.  It's a control thing.  So rather than get into it with him, I just won't park there anymore.  I've tried to tell him, I'm here by my choice.  I want to be here.  I'm not going anywhere.  But if this continues, I'll have to let him know I feel like my choice is being taken away.  Once that happens, I'm gone.  Period. 

Don't get me wrong.  I love him.  He's the best thing that's ever happened to me.  But I can't be controlled like that.  No way.  I am my own person.  If I'm going to be happy I need to still be a whole person - not a puppet who does whatever someone else wants me to do. 

Anyhow, that's my vent for today.  At least I got some time on my own today to be able to get it out.  Often Hubby's sitting next to me, and he tends to look over my shoulder to see what's up.  I get it.  But sometimes I just need me time.  Online.  At home.  Anywhere.  I just need space.