Sunday, May 22, 2011

Sunday May 22

I think I've discovered what's so wrong this weekend.  It all comes down to the room mate issues.  I have been compromising my beleifs and who I am to the point I am going against myself too much.  It's triggering my fight or flight.  It's triggering the old beliefs that I can't protect or take care of myself. 

I need to go.  But part of me just doesn't know what to do.  Do I quit my job and move back to Calgary?  Or do I just move out of the house, and find somewhere else to live.  I will be completely alone for a while.  But that might be better than this.  Forget might.  It will be better.  I just don't know if I'll stay here alone for any length of time.

Or do I give myself a time line.  Leave in so many weeks.  Regarldess of what is ahead of me.  Just pack up and go.  I can either move out on my own and promise myself I will move back to Calgary afer so long.  Or I can try to stick it out here. 

As long as I try to stick it out here, I will not gain any ground.  I will struggle with my marathon training.  I will not loose any weight.  I just won't be able to grow.  And my mental health will continue to deteriorate. 

Colin is coming home tomorrow.  I can't leave for at least another week.  I just don't know if I can take this anymore.  He's just not healthy. 

Am I strong enough to keep fighting through this?  Maybe, but I'm sick of fighting.  I can't keep fighting all the time, and still be able to accomplish anything else. 

I've spent the last two days wallowing.  I've eaten snack things that I really shouldn't have.  And it's reflected on the scale.  Surprising how even if I were to work in some of these snacks into my nutrtion, I blow up like a balloon.  It's all because of htis.  I can't progress.  My own body is fighting me at every turn.  I don't know what to do anymore. 

If I were to be 100% honest, my job is only adding to this.  I feel I am not really doing anything there anymore.  I am not accomplishing anything.  I just can't keep going like this. 

Maybe I need to re-evaluate things in a week.  I need some changes.  I have applied for a couple of other jobs.  Maybe see what happens in this next week with them. 

Or maybe I can learn that regardless of how productive I feel at work, I am getting paid for it.  I get paid the same if I'm busy, or just filling time.  I guess I can somehow learn to live with that.  Not everyone feels completely fulfilled by every minute of their job.  And they don't "attack" me for not being busy all the time here. 

Okay, I guess I can adjust to work.  But the rest of my life...

The sun is shining.  Haven't seen that in a couple of days now.  Maybe I should go for a run.  I'll bet it'll really help me feel better. 

I really do need to make some changes though.  I have enough money on my credit card to buy our airline tickets to San Francisco this October.  I will be booking the flights as soon as the payment is cleared on the card - I am hoping by Tuesday.  Unless I miss the seat sale.  Then I'll  have to keep working and saving to get them. 

I also need to get back in touch with things that I'm passionate about.  Dancing. Taking pictures.  Anything that will help me reconnect with my true self. 

I need to listen to my inner child more often too.  She needs to come out and play more.  I've been supressing her to help keep my room mate happy.  Enough.  I need to do for me for a while. 

So why am I so afraid to?

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