Thursday, October 6, 2011

Sorry.  Gotta warn ya.  This is a long one.  It'll kind of show where I've been stuck for the past while. 

Well, after letting Terry know yesterday I was done with his crap, I didn't get another text.

Instead, Tammy and I went for supper. I decided to get a dress on and really get out feeling good about me.

Well, guess who showed up. Terry. He sat at another table. Sat facing me. Staring almost every chance he could. Even more so when I'd get up to walk past and couldn't see him. I guess he watched ever step I took when I got up to leave.

Tammy and I both figured that was great revenge. It was all good.

Well, a few hours later - about 11pm, Tammy called. She needed me to take her into the hospital. I jumped in the van and went. Well, when all was said and done, we ran into Terry and Harry again!

Stupid a$$. He asked what we wanted for drinks. We told him. Just soda - doesn't cost a thing. So he gets Tammy her's and nothing for me. Oh well. I get it.

Then I get home after all is said and done. Guess what. A text. Come out to the farm.

After all I told him. After Everything. After snubbing me at the bar, and I know it goes farther than just the drink. I think Harry set us up to shoot pool. He didn't want to play doubles with me, so he walked out.

What is wrong with him? I never did anything to deserve being treated like this. But he's decided he should treat me like garbage, but part of him obviously still wants me, or I wouldn't be getting these texts.

I can't deal with his baggage. I just want him out of my head. He's already out of my heart luckily. But he keeps crawling back into my head.


Okay, so I posted this, sparked some more, and decided I've gotta write my way out of this funk. I can't let him have that kind of control over me.

He keeps texting me like this because the ones he's chosen don't want him. He ends up spending him time alone. He obviously doesn't want that. But if I go down this path, I'll start to wonder why I was good enough this summer, but not now. Not a good way to go.

I guess I can be happy in the fact that Tammy was right. He really did take notice when I walked by. And it really caught his attention. No wonder I was feeling so uncomfortable.

Besides, I can't give this idiot that kind of power over me. I was feeling great yesterday. Until all of this. I need to find a way to get past it.

He is who he is, and he's not going to change. But he's not the right person for me. I get that. Completely get that. I'm serious when I say he's no longer in my heart. But these comments are getting into my head.

I've been debating. How do I respond?

Do I tell him to F**k off already? Tempting, but I'm not that person. I don't really have that in me. Do I??? He may have pushed me that far already.

Do I laugh it off - tell him he must really miss me. Two booty calls in one week. Maybe it's time for him to look at that. This is more my style, but he might read more into that. That I am interested in this kind of attention. That it's alright to treat me the way he did when we were out as a group, and then still do the booty call later. That is so NOT ok.

Or do I just ignore it completely? Deal with how it's making me feel, and just get him out of my head and ignore it all. Ignore the snubs. Ignore the booty call texts. Ignore it.

There is a huge part of me that thinks this last way is the way to go. I'm just so done. Really. I'm too tired to keep playing this game. Besides, there are so many more good men who are trying to get my attention lately.

Yes, I know. I have NO Interest in it at all right now. But there are at least 3 that are fighting for my attention at the moment. I'm being honest with them though. I'm not interested in anything more than friends. Period. Want to go for supper? fine. That would be nice. We each pay our own way and have a good conversation. Then we both go our own ways afterwards.

Mind you , there is a fourth way to deal with him. Kill 'em with kindness. Laugh it off, and just keep being me. Be happy. When I see him, be nice. Eventually his friends will all see that he's so full of crap when he tells them I'm nuts. Many of them already see it. So many of them I've met like me. I mean really like who I am as a person. That's why Terry was being attacked by all of them when started this whole mess.

I could really use some advice. What do I do? And how do I get back to my happy place?

I know the answer to that. More exercise will help. And so will some distress tolerance. The biggest way - to look at it all from a different perspective. It's hard, but I need to try.

He keeps staying in touch because deep down he knows he's made a mistake
He misses me
He wants me back, but he doesn't know how to fix this.
That's not my problem.
I don't want someone too immature to be able to fix relationship problems that THEY ALONE HAVE CAUSED!!!
I've done all I can to help guide him on how to fix this. There's nothing else I can do
Maybe just moving on will be the best revenge ever
I can't believe I am thinking revenge. He's changing me.... I don't like these changes
I can't let that happen.
I need to stay true to who I am.
If I weren't a good person, why would so many people say I am
Why would I have so many people wanting to be in my life
They are and they do BECAUSE of who I am PERIOD
Terry was a mistake.

No he wasn't.
I was with him to learn a lesson
You can't trust everyone.
Even if they do their best to earn your trust.
Sometimes people who seem good and you believe care for you will hurt you
they will hurt you just to save themselves some pain
they are the ones who are wrong
they are the ones missing out
I don't need to be hurt by this
It's their problem.
It is in NO WAY a reflection on me
if it was a reflection on me, it wouldn't happen at all EVER!!!

I am a wonderful person
I am beautiful
I am smart
I deserve to be happy
I can make other people smile, just by being myself.
I am enough
I deserve to find my passions in life, and live them
I will find someone who supports me on my journey, not tries to stop me
I am beautiful inside and out
I will not let ANYONE take that away from me.
I am strong
I am confidant
I deserve everything good that has come into my life
I have worked hard to get where I am in life
I'm not afraid to keep working hard if it will get me where I need to be
This whole mess with Terry has been a learning experience
I really do need to be thankful for it
I have learned a lot
I am growing from it
It might be painful at times, but life can be that way sometimes.
I am strong enough to handle it

I am a beautiful person
I deserve to be happy
I can enjoy life - just being alive is reason enough to be happy
I have a big adventure ahead of me
I am excited
I get to share this adventure with my kids too. Awesome

Running from my problems will not solve them - it will make them worse
I am strong enough to stay mindful, and deal with these issues
And when I need a break, I have wonderful friends who can help me

My over trusting nature is not a curse
It opens me up to people that otherwise I would have missed
Wonderful people - okay maybe not all of them, but many of them

Yes I wear my heart on my sleeve
It's not a curse
It's who I am
I'm not going to let hateful people force me to change who I am

Everything I've survived has made me who I am
I LIKE who I've become
I am a wonderful person

Just so y'all know, the aches I'm feeling are actually starting to go away. I think this is working

Look at that.
I know how to help myself when I need help.
I am very intuitive - not only for myself, but around others too
I am a wonderful friend to have
I am the kind of friend I would love to have
I am the kind of person I would love to have in my life

I am living the way I was meant to
I am NOT letting these people trapped by their own problems and addictions change who I am
Not now.

I do not need outside validation to know I am a good person
I just need to live by what I feel is right
I need to be okay with who I am.
No one else.
And I am

After I wrote this, a weight lifted off of me again.  I realized a few things.

I realized a few things.

Terry's an ass
He doesn't even deserve me
No wonder he's so confused. He can't deal with the fact he still wants me
It ain't gonna happen

Last night was actually a compliment from him to me.

I'm gonna be okay now.

And while kicking my own butt into action to run again today, I stumbled across these images that brought a smile to my face.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Wow, I've been gone a long time...

Life got in the way.  I was busy.  I actually was really really hurt by someone I thought cared about me fairly recently.  Hurt badly.  It sent me into a real funk for most of September.  I mean a bad one.  My body shut down.  I couldn't eat, or sleep.  So running was out of the question.

But that's changed now.  I had something to learn.  I learned that not everyone is a good person deep down.  Even if they say they care about you, sometimes they'll really hurt you to save face.  I'm not like that.  I don't ever want to be like that.  I have self respect.  And I don't trump myself up by cutting others down. 

It has taken me a long time to realize how lucky I am to have had this happen to me the way it did.  But I do now. 

And I've spend the last two days feeling like I'm floating on air.  I am feeling so free.  Happy.  Just overjoyed to be alive these days.  It's exciting.

 I think part of this being so overjoyed and hyper has to do with the trip coming up.  I am traveling with my kids to San Francisco soon to run the Nike Womens Marathon.  Yep.  I'm running the full distance.  Or going to try my best anyway.

I can't wait. 

This Saturday night, a group of us are going to a Chillowack Concert.  I am looking forward to that too. 

Tammy is really suffering from a deep depression right now.  Oh, I guess I should say who she is - she's new in my life. 

I met someone - Terry.  We were dating for a bit.  He really gained my trust fast.  But then I discovered who he really was.  And his addictions.  And how hateful a person he could be because of them.  Well, Tammy was a friend of his.  She's now a great friend of mine.  All of Terry's friends were mad at him about what happened with me, but that's another story I don't even want to get into.

But Tammy and I are great friends right now.  And she's struggling with depression.  I think I'm going to print off my mindfulness blogs for her to read.  And learn from.  Hopefully they will help her. 

Anyhow, in general, I'm happy right now.  I love this feeling.  I hope it lasts a long LONG time.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Update on Yesterday, and some upsetting stuff...

Okay, good stuff first. I am counting yesterday as a success.

I ran 20min - burned over 160calories.
Then I rode my pedal bike for 30min last night.
I ate clean.
I cleaned the kitchen. Okay, the suitcases are still in the middle of the kitchen, but I did clean.
I cooked and ate a good supper at home last night.

Overall, I count yesterday as a success. Not a knock out of the park, but a success.

Colin called last night. Wanted to BBQ my bass. I wish he had told me. I wouldn't have eaten my supper. But no biggie. I went over. I could eat a little bass as well. See what it tastes like.

I got there, and found it. He took pics when we were fishing the other day. Well, he printed one and had it framed. Now I'm on his wall. Like some friggin trophy.

Let me tell you, I'm NOT HAPPY about this. Talk about making me feel like a cheap piece of trash.

Okay, if I'm over reacting, please let me know. It just has me so upset.

I left. I texted and asked him to please get rid of that picture. He said no. That's the last I have said to him. I don't know if I will every say anything to him again. He asked my what the problem is. He has pictures of friends who are important to him.


I feel so violate. So cheap. So used.

Okay, if I am over reacting, then why am I having such a severe reaction to this?

I could let this drive me nuts. Or I could do my best to forget about it for a while.

I am so close to breaking into his house and destroying that picture. As well as erasing all the pics on his computer. But it won't do me any good if I can't get ahold of his camera and erase it.

Okay, I have to stop now. It's taking too big a toll on my. I need to find another way to deal with this whole thing.

Suggestions? Help!!!

Text's are flying back and forth.

From Colin - "I guess you have a problem with me having a picture of you"

Me- "I have problems with pictures of me with anyone. Especially when they are posted as a trophy"

Colin - "If u think that ur just a trophy as u put it, think again"

Maybe I am taking this all wrong. But why would it upset me so much?

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Time to SNAP OUT OF IT!!!

Wow.  What a crazy weekend. 

I finally did it.  I packed my bags and left the abusive room mate I've been with for almost a year.  Just packed up and left while he was out of town. 

We have other issues going on in that friendship now.  I'll deal with that later though.  Right now, I have something more important to deal with - ME!!!

Okay, even I know it's not always that easy. But I also know when it's time for some tough love, and starting to kick my own butt.


Yes, this weekend was hard. It's going to still hurt on and off for a while. Deal with it. Cry if you gotta. BUT STOP WALLOWING.

You can't stop all the hurting. It'll heal in it's own time. But you can do something. You can focus on you for a while

Get out there. Do what you need to do.

Okay, so today you feel too sluggish. Still down.

Make ya a deal. The water is on in the new place today - finally.
Go HOME and clean. Put on the hrm and clean. Clean until you are exhausted. Clean until you can see an end in sight. JUST CLEAN!

Okay, it's not quite the Nike logo Just Do It! But why not? It's physical. I'll burn calories. And I'll be accomplishing something for me. Getting my place together. Starting to set up a place I can settle into. A place to feel comfortable. Secure. A place where I can become ME again.

I don't think that's such a bad thing...

Sunday, July 10, 2011


Like the image on page background today says - Attitude is Everything.

I know this. On more than one occassion, my attitude has either carried me through what I should not have been able to do. It has also kept me from being able to reach my potential.

It's a mental game. In more ways than most people realize.

Yes, it is key to listen to your body. If you are experiencing pain, STOP. If you need to, see a doctor.

For me there are a few key factors I follow. As well as listening to any pain in my body, I also watch my heart rate. Even if I seem to be doing well, but my HR is spiking for unknown reasons, I take it easy.

But for arguements sake, lets say the body is saying todays workout is a go. No pain. HR is maintaining, or even low. But for some reason the workout is feeling almost impossible. What then.

It may just seem like something everyone says, but it really is so much more.

Yesterday I was running. The plan was to try and finish either a 100min or 120min run. HR was great - even low. No pain. Body felt strong in fact.

HUGE pi$$ off. It was a BRAND NEW player. This was it's maiden voyage.

First thoughts, turn to Walmart and go tear a strip off of someone and get a new one.

Nope. It wasn't their fault it's garbage. Besides, the box is at the office. On Monday I can get the box and return it.

I can go buy a new one anyway. What a reward for finishing my run. I get to go SHOPPING.

I decided to turn my attitude. With the right attitude, I could still finish this run. I might even discover I like running without music.

I wasn't going to let this keep me from trying to reach my goal. So I pushed on.

It worked. I made it to 100min. But that was from listenening to my body. As I rounded that corner, I was starting to hurt. I was also a 5min walk from the finish point. It was all good.

This is not the only time that my attitude pushed me through.

Just something to keep in mind. If the workout seems harder than it should be, try an attitude check. You might be surprised.

And the saying "fake it 'til you make it" is good to keep in mind here. If you don't feel the positive, I can do it attitude, fake it.

Just try it. Banish all negative thinking towards your workout.

"I can't make it"
"I'm gonna throw up" - think this one enough and watch those cookies get tossed.
"It's too hard"
"I don't deserve to be successful"
"It can wait until tomorrow"

It all has to go. Replace those thoughts with

"I can do this"
"I am xx% done already. I can finish strong!"
"I deserve the success that I will feel with finishing"
"Pushing will only lead me to loose more weight/gain endurance/go farther next time"
"I can't wait to brag about my accomplishment on SP when I'm done"
"It'll feel so great to be successful and done"
"I am making full use of my time now"
"It's my time for success!"

I can be one of the most pessemistic people you've ever met. It has taken a lot of work to actually use this. But it's so worth it.

Fight back. You Are Worth It!

This blog came about because of an attitude issue I'm having today.  I am over the top upset.  What set me off?  My breakfast was screwed up again this morning.  I mean, it's not like I don't ever eat there.  It's the only place in town I eat breakfast.  The have to custom make stuff for me, because of my food allergies.  But can they seem to get it right?   only about 50% of the time.  I was so mad.  It amazed even me. 

I decided right then and there, no more.  I won't waste my time trying to eat there anymore. 

But I still don't get why I'm so upset. 

I think a big part of it is my room mates behavior lately. 

He's back to ranting and raving about stupid things.  I don't care about that so much.  My issue is when he's yelling about it.  He doesn't even know he's doing it. 

Last night, we went to DQ for some ice cream.  He started.  No biggie.  But while we were driving back, he got so angry and so loud, he actually physically upset me.  I had to stop eating my ice cream.  He was screaming and swearing about this whole situation from the past.  Actually re-living it.  And I gotta tell you.  It NEVER HAPPENED!!!  I know this. 

He acts like he's this big protector of right and wrong.  And he's always right.  He's always wronged by someone else.  It's that narcisistic thing with him...

I know how he is.  He feels wronged, he storms off.  Drinks.  Smokes.  He will not confront anyone.  If I even mention how much his anger when he's re-living these things is upsetting me, he'll get mad and retreat.  No talking to me about it.  No seeing how much it is really making me physically sick.  Just retreat and tell anyone who'll listen that I have done him wrong. 

Anyhow, based on my reaction to breakfast this morning, it's getting to me more than I even realize.  I'm so glad he's gone for a while today.  Give me some space.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

I am feeling kind of low today.

Low or lonely? Not really sure which. Okay, I'm leaning towards lonely.

I want someone who wants to just hold me for awhile. Just let me feel safe and secure. Feel like I can let go of all this "stuff" I've been carrying for so long. Just let it all go for a while. Cry if I need to. Just release everything and let it all go.

But I don't feel I can do that. It will leave me too vulnerable right now. And I can't afford that. There is too much negativity surrounding me here. I need to keep a thick skin. And unfortunately that thick skin not only keeps stuff out, it also keeps stuff in.

I feel like I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders, and a dark cloud over head.

I feel like I've been fighting an uphill battle for far too long. It's starting to wear on me.

"Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence"
I know this quote. It's on my wall.

I've been persistently fighting back. Keeping the negativity at bay as best I can. Fighting to keep my strength up. Just fighting.

But the negativity and pain and suffering has also been persistent. I feel myself weakening.

I've been in actual physical pain for two days now. Today is not as bad as yesterday. I do have to admit, I get really down as I recover from this kind of pain. I feel so weak.

I wasn't able to run. I get strength from my successful workouts. I know that. I am missing them too right now.

It feels not only like my heart is out there for anyone and everyone to trample. It feels like my entire body of skin has been turned inside out. It's harder to NOT hurt me like this. I end up hurting even from stuff that most people wouldn't think hurts.

Guess I'm kind of moping today. I'm going to fight back later. Find a way to. Kick my own butt into working out. But as you can see, it's going to be a long, uphill battle the entire way...

I really wish I had someone here to support me. To give me the strength to move forward when I feel like this. To provide me the security to just let it all go for a while, knowing they would carry me for a bit. Provide me with the strength and protection I needed while I rebuild myself...

No offense to all my sparkfriends, but it's not the same....

Monday, July 4, 2011

Today's Reflection

Something we were withholding made us weak, until we found it was ourselves.
- Robert Frost

Who is standing in your way?

Imagine someone regularly tying small weights around your ankles as you try to climb a mountain. Doesn't sound fair, does it? But that's exactly what you can do to yourself, a little bit at a time, if you don't watch out. When you think of who and what is standing in the way of your dreams, it's easy to forget your own responsibility. Even the best of us can be guilty of unknowingly hurting our own progress. Procrastination, lateness, being disorganized, pessimism, not being honest with yourself, severe self-criticism, downplaying achievements, focusing only on weaknesses while ignoring strengths, keeping goals a secret, demanding perfection, giving up after a small setback--these are all ways you can make it tough to be (and do) your best. Smart systems, the right attitude, and a promise to keep going no matter what will make a world of difference.


I get this one. I do it to myself all the time. I am actually in danger of doing it to myself again right now.

I woke up this morning feeling like such a fool. This after a night where I couldn't sleep. It's taking all I have to not break down and cry right here at my desk. I'm pretty sure those around me here today know something is very wrong.

I just can't seem to find it in me to pull out of this right now. I know I need to. I need to move onward and forward. It's the only way I'm going to get where I need to be. It's the only way I'm going to find my motivation again. It's the only way I'm going to be able to push myself to move forward, and to not slip back into old habits.

I just don't even want to right now.

I just don't know if I can snap out of this. I spent most of my day yesterday crying. Why does it have to drag on like this? Why can't I just decide to put it behind me and move on?

I know. This is where I can show what I'm really made of. I can prove that I am stronger than this obstacle.

I can show him just what he's missing out on.

I can prove to EVERYONE including me, that I am stronger than even I think.

Right now, I'm the only one standing in my way. He's gone. In reality, he never should have been viewed as an obstacle.

I need to find a way to get past this hurt and anger, and tap into my inner strength. Find it in me to fight back. The sooner the better.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

I am feeling completely stupid and used right now.  I guess the writing was on the wall the entire time.  I just didn't want to see it. 

I just wish I could blame it 100% on someone else.  I prefer to have someone other than myself to blame.  But I'd have to admit it is at least 50% my fault.  I just didn't want to open my eyes and see...

And now I'm paying the price. 

I need to work on repairing and keeping my self confidance.  Believing I am worth it.  I am worth more than this.  Believing I'm not a complete idiot, or trash. 

Sad part is, it's going to actually be hard to do that.  I guess my best bet to do that right now is to grab to the little bit of me that feels I was misled.  I may have walked down the rose garden path, but it had to be put there for me to walk that way.   I was honest from the beginning.  I can't necessarily say that for everyone involved. 

I guess it all comes down to being too trusting again.  I trusted that path, and willingly went there. 

What a fool

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Pro's n Con's

Thanks for the idea Lori. I was kind of doing this all day anyhow, but I agree. I should put it down in black n white.

PRO'S - reasons to stay here
- I like my job
- I have a job
- I pay almost no rent
- When push comes to shove, Colin won't let me go without the basic necessities if I need them
- I can learn to love this place... maybe.
- There are some good people here
- I don't miss the fighting back in Calgary. I don't know if I could do it again.
- I'm broke and don't have work at home.

CONS - reasons to leave
- There is certain people at work that can't stand
- There is a possibility that I won't be working there for much more than an additional year anyhow.
- I don't know how much more my mental health can take living with this narcisistic pig!
- I don't know if I can afford to go it alone here. Rents are too high, and I have nothing of my own here.
- I am so home sick.
- I haven't met very many good people, and definitely none I've connected with yet. I can't keep going in this isolation "tank"
- I miss my kids
- No more Narcisistic pig sabotaging my efforts for the marathon
- More time to train for my marathon (no work n all...)

I just got off the phone with my ex. Told him how close I was to leaving today. Told him I'm not sure I'm over it yet.

I did tell him I would try to visit soon. I need a break from here.

So what wins out? I still have no idea. I can tell you this though. It will destroy my self esteem again. I will grovel and crawl and do anything to get him to stop hating me again, just so there's peace around the house. Then try to pick up the shattered pieces, and try to keep training.

I can tell you right now, this is NOT the way to train for a marathon...

Maybe I should hold out a little longer. See if things get better. Also save some money up for when I finally do leave here.

Colin's texting me again. Not sure why. I think it's all part of his control. He NEEDS to know how much I'm hurting by his treating me this way.

Maybe I just need more distress tolerance skills. Find a way to not let this completely destroy my self esteem.

Maybe going for an early morning run will help too. I'm not so sure. I don't really like really early am running. But I'd better get used to it. The marathon starts at 6am. Good thing it's on the west coast. It won't feel so early to me...

I can't wait. For San Francisco this October. Maybe I can use that as a carrot. I need spending money, and money to pay for the hotel room there. Keep working!!!

Any other suggestions?

If I stay away from Colin, he get's madder because I'm ignoring him.
If I text/call him, he gets mad because I'm being too...
If I'm not home, he gets mad, again I'm avoiding him.
If I am, he stays away...

I just can't seem to win.

Maybe I can find things to do on my own here in the house. Keep my mind occupied, and not let me dwel on this crap.

I know running helps, but when it gets really bad, I'm scared to go. Mind you, on Saturday morning, he was okay with it, even though I was actually kind of ignoring him when I went. Don't think he caught on to that though.

Today :(

I don't think I can do this anymore. My room mate is off again. I can't stand it.

And in his maturity, he has sent me on a wild goose chase again. Invites me for breakfast/coffee, and doesn't bother to show up. This is the second time he's done this to me. I'm finished.

I am thinking of packing up my van today and leaving town. Quit my job. All of it. Just go. Don't look back.

Just got a text from him. He thinks this is funny. I can't do this anymore. I have access to $300 right now. All I need is a trailer and I'd be gone. I could call my mom for one...

No wait a minute. He's not working today. Not a good day to do this. I've gotta wait until he's working. Then go. That way I'm assured no interuptions from him. Maybe tomorrow.

I'm going to miss my job though. Asside from certain people, I really like it.

I just don't know what to do anymore...

It's got me so upset I've eaten ice cream for breakfast again. I just can't deal with this anymore. Time to see if I can block him from my cell phone...

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Tried out the new fishing gear last night

Guess I should start with the road trip to get there.  Road was not just nearly flooded.  It was underwater.  A little further down, there was a good foot or more of water.  The only way we knew we were still on the road - they had staked the sides of the road.  So wasn't my favorite drive.

Anyhow, we got there.  Got set up with my new fishing rod.

Poor thing didn't catch a single fish yesterday.  I wonder if Colin was just not casting it into the pocket where the fish were...  Anyhow.  It was a fun night.  And I did catch some fish.  They were on Colin's rod, but here was the first catch of the night.

Yep.  That's two fish on one line.  It had a small walleye to the right on one part of the pickrel rig, and a jackfish on the other.  We put the walleye back.  Gave the jackfish away.  It was the only fish we brought back.  Caught about 3 or 4 more little ones.  Nothing worth keeping.

Oh, and I finally grabbed one.  I wore my glove, but I grabbed a fish, and took the hook out, and put it back.  Actually, I did 3 fish.  Yeah me!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

OMG! Another light bulb moment...

I think I just figured out what my block is. With moving out on Colin.

Okay, at one point I really did care about him. Don't know why or how, but I did. I considered him a good friend. Maybe because he came to my rescue when I didn't know what I was going to do...

But now I get why I can't leave.

I have strong beliefs. One of them is I can do no harm to anyone. I need to do everything in my power to leave them better off than when I met them. I'm not talking money, etc. I mean I can't emotionally or physically hurt anyone. I need to believe I did absolutely everything in my power to not hurt them. Or I won't be able to live with the guilt. I've had too many people use me. I won't become a user. Not in any way, shape, or form. PERIOD.

So, although 80% of me is excited about the possible option of a place to move to, that 20% is still scared to do it. Will I be able to live with myself? I guess I don't believe I've done everything I can to not hurt Colin.

The problem is, I don't want to have to hit rock bottom before I try to save myself again. Sad part is, if I do hit rock bottom, then I know I did everything in my power before giving up.

Unfortunately, that's the only way I can see to get out. If I give up before bottom, did I really do everything I could?

My head KNOWS there is no way to help Colin. He's sick. He won't seek treatment. I'm not a doctor.

But my heart is trying to convince me he is still a human being. Somewhere inside there is a good man. Have I done all I can to reach that good man again?

Wow. I'm just so lost right now...

Thursday, June 9, 2011

OMG! I finally get it!

I finally get it. I get why I am always hurting so much around Colin. And why it seems he has no empathy what so ever.

And I finally get how I ended up here.

Why did it take me so long to see it? Anyhow, that isn't what matters anymore. What matters is I get it, and no matter how much I want it to change, it wont. All I can do is get out. Run Run far. Run fast.

John, and the time I was living with him in 2010 was setting me up for what Colin had in store for me.

Narcissistic personality disorder.

Can't even really say John had it exactly. He was just very self centered. And when push came to shove, everything had to revolve around him in some way. But he was a little aware that that is not healthy. He would at least try to some extent. That's why I didn't see it.

But Colin doesn't even try. Not one iota. He did in the beginning. I think he thought he could trick me into falling for him at one point. And I guess I kind of did. I honestly thought he was a good person, deep down inside. I honestly believed he was given a raw deal in life, and deserved better.

But now I'm seeing the whole picture.

* In public, a person with narcissistic personality disorder may pretend to be the perfect wife or husband, acting charming and polite ...

• You may have no idea of the lies they are telling you or the lies they may be telling about you behind your back.

• They will lie and paint themselves as an innocent victim to try and gain sympathy and justify their own bad behavior (while fooling themselves that their lies are the truth).

• They may be very charming and even humble in public, fooling people so they won’t believe how verbally abusive they are in private or the cruel things they say behind people’s backs.

• They will lie and manipulate people for attention, perhaps acting a bit too good to be true.

• They will act as if they should never be questioned and that they deserve things they haven’t worked for or earned, while trading on other people’s honesty and hard work.

• Their criticism and lack of concern for your well-being may cause you to feel rejected, hurt, humiliated, powerless, ashamed and angry, while also leading to possible psychological and psychosomatic health problems and addictions within your family.

• They will act superior and like they are more popular than you - while being cold, arrogant, withdrawn and unavailable.

• They will show little or no regard for your well-being and feelings.

• In private however they will be sarcastic, haughty and insulting and put people down (including friends) behind their backs.

Why couldn't I see this sooner? I knew something was wrong. Something was very wrong. Why was I more concerned about hurting him than taking care of me?

Well, at least now I know I can't possibly hurt him. Or rather, no matter what happens, he will read into it whatever he wants.

I can see it already. He kicks me out, or worse shoots me. In his head, it was my fault. Because I was so scared of him he had to do it to protect himself from the horrible person that is me.

God. I feel like such an idiot. But at least it's over. Thank god. Now to get out and save myself. At least I now have enough tools to protect my heart.

Personal stuff I've finally figured out today.

This hurts to write. Heck, it even hurts to think about it. But I think it's time.

This morning while I was wondering for the upteenth time why Colin was doing these things, it came to me. I have known for a while he believes the world revolves around him, but I don't know why this never hit me before.

I don't register for him. Not as a friend. Not even as an independant human being. Not one bit. The part that hurts most is the not as a friend part. Here I've considered him a friend for quite a while now. But I'm not even that to him.

Wow. That hurts. More than I can even say here. I'm sitting here at my desk at work, ready to cry it hurts so much. I guess I really did care about him more than I realized. But this really REALLY aches. Deep down pain.

How can someone pretend to be my friend like that? How can they pretend to give a d*mn like that and not really care? I mean, if he cared even one little bit, he wouldn't be able to treat me like this right? He'd have at least a little compassion for the pain I'm in out here. Being away from my kids, friends, my life.

It doesn't take much to be my friend. Just care. I guess I'm not even worth that.

Monday, June 6, 2011

What is wrong with me?

I spent all that time earlier blogging out my frustration with my room mate.  I even wrote a blog kicking myself in the butt to get out there and run today.  Then what do I do?  I send Colin a text message to see if he wants to join me for supper.  He makes me feel completely worthless all over again.  I am right back down where I was when I started this whole day.  Even worse, because I wasn't sure if he was upset today or not. 

Why do I do this to myself?  Why can't I just walk away from him?  Let him deal with his own baggage?  I mean, I have plenty of my own to deal with anyhow. 

Maybe this is his plan to sabotage me.  He hates to see me enjoying things I love.  Look at dance.  And look at what he's trying to do with motorcycle riding.  He's trying to completely destroy everything I love, so that all I will do is sit in the house and wait for him.  Hour after hour.  Day after day. 

I can't do this anymore. 

So why do I keep reaching out to him?  I know how it's going to end.  Badly.  For me.  EVERY TIME. 

The definition of insanity - repeatedly doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome.  I must be going insane.  I can feel it too.  It hurts.  My head is just aching. 

You wouldn't let anyone else treat you this way.  If he had done this the first week you were here, you would have walked away.  Never looked back. That's what he deserves.  For me to just walk out of his life.  Never look back.  Not even as a friend.  So many others have done that to him.  No wonder he feels so alone.

But he brings it on himself. 

So why am I feeling so responsible? Why do I feel that it's my job to fix that for him?  Since when have I become responsible for a mentally ill old man who doesn't care about himself, so isn't capable of caring one iota about anybody else? 

I haven't.  That's the reality.  It's NOT my job.  It's NOT my issue.  IT'S NOT MY BAGGAGE.  PERIOD!

I'm going home in half an hour.  I'm going to put on my running shoes.  I'm going to get out of the house.  I don't care where it takes me.  I don't care how.  Okay, on my two feet, running the whole time.  But I'm just going to go. 

Does it matter if I run 70min or 100min?  No.  All that matters is I run today.  I run to clear my head.  I run to stop my heart from hurting.  I run to regain some strength.  I run to regain some self respect.  Some self confidence. 

I run to try to meet my goals, that I desperately don't want him to take from me.  I don't want to give him that power. 

Being Knocked off my Rails again....

My room mate has started again.  Not sure if I said so in one of my past blogs - probably did.  He was being nice.  It had me worried for how long he'd be nice, and when this would come back.  Well, I'm just about done wondering.  He's back!!!

He's so full of hate.  It is overwhelming him.  It's overwhelming me.  It's taking away my desire to do ANYTHING!

It's too much for me to carry. 

He makes me feel like it's my fault he's like this.  Like I did something wrong.  What did I do?  I was alive.  I am breathing.  That alone is enough to set him off.

Sometimes I think he expects me to be the happy outgoing person I was when we met.  Expects me to make him happy.  To bring him along to everything I want to do. 

Okay, I will admit I tried once.  I tried to introduce him to something I loved.  Dancing.

I get it.  A person has to learn to dance.  I was trying to teach him.  Instead of taking the time to learn, he would get mad at me.  If he didn't get it, I wasn't teaching it right.  I finally quit.

I also took him to a dance competition in April.  Well, he made that absolute HELL for me.  Never again!!!

I've finally given up. 

In his world, he is the center of the Universe.

<Insert Colin's picture in the middle>

If EVERYTHING doesn't go his way, he throws a fit.  And it can last for days.  Send him a text message to let him know your thinking of him?  He gets mad - you're bugging him.  Don't?  He gets pissy because you are ignoring him. 

Seriously.  That's him.  In a nutshell.  I can't take it anymore. 

Living in his house is costing me my health, and my goals and desires.  I need to go.  I just don't know where to go.  There are not a lot of places to live around here.  And the few places there are are way too expensive. 

I have had a few friends offer me places to stay, but there always seems to be strings attached.  I'm not interested in that either.  I just don't know what to do.  I'm on the verge of just packing up and moving back to Calgary.  Forget my job.  Forget it all.  Just go.

It might be what I need to do at this point.  To preserve my own mental health and sanity...

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

I believe...

A Birth Certificate shows that we were born 
A Death Certificate shows that we died 
Pictures show that we live! 
Have a seat.  Relax . . .
And read this slowly.
I Believe... 
That just because two people argue,
It doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue,
It doesn't mean they do love each other.
I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if
We understand that friends change.
I Believe...
That no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you
every once in a while,
and you must forgive them for that.
I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.
I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant
That will give you heartache for life.
I Believe...
That it's taking me a long time
To become the person I want to be.
I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with Loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.
I Believe...
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I Believe...
That we are responsible for what
We do, no matter how we feel.
I Believe...
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I Believe...
That heroes are the people
who do what has to be done,
when it needs to be done,
regardless of the consequences.
I Believe...
That my best friend and I
can do anything or nothing
and have the best time
I Believe...
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up