Monday, May 30, 2011

My daughter...

She was born in 1994.  I was back in University.  I was actually taking one night class a week.  She was born on a Sunday, and we were both in class that Monday night.  She came with me for the last 5 weeks of class. 

I met her dad Simon when I was in University in Manitoba.  We were in class together.  Things seemed great at first.  Then my mom noticed Ryan, my son, was scared of Simon.  I started to watch.  He wouldn't do it in front of me, but I started to suspect he was hitting Ryan.  No beatings, but he had no business touching my son.  Period.

Anyhow. we had moved from Manitoba to Calgary into Simon's mothers basement suite.  We were going to live there as a family.  I went to visit my grandmother for a week or so while things got settled.  Then I found out Simon was stealing from me.  He stole some government cheques, and a child support payment.  He actually forged my signature on them.  When I asked where the money was, he got mad and told me not to bother coming back. 

Here I was, 5 months pregnant.  Everything I owned was in Calgary with Simon.  I had nothing.  My mom helped.  She, my grandpa, and I drove to Calgary and got all my stuff out of his house.  I never spoke to him again.  I did try to contact Simon once.  Adrienne was due in about 3 weeks.  I sent him a letter.  I told him we would never be together again, but his daughter was about to be born.  I had an extra room in my home and he was welcome to use it if he wanted to come and meet his daughter.  He never got back to me.  That was his loss.  She is such an amazing young woman now.

Ryan, her big brother, adored her from the first minute.  He doted on Adrienne.  I was alone raising two children, going to University, and struggling with overwhelming depression.  But those kids were everything to me.  They were the only reason I kept fighting for my health.  They were so sweet. 

Adrienne was a mini me.  She looked exactly like I did at that age.  Same attitude.  Same everything.  It was interesting.  You know when your parents threaten you with a child just like you?  Well, I got one.  Boy, I was a tough child to deal with...

But Adrienne was so worth every minute.  No matter how sick I got, I did my best to do right by those kids.  They meant the world to me. 

We had quite a few trials over the next few years.  My health got much worse, before it got better.  But that's for another blog later.  Despite everything, we made it through. 

I may have regretted many things in my life, but nothing about my kids.  Not once.  By the time Adrienne was two, I had met Bruce.  Bruce and I were married in 2001, but again, that's another story for later...

This photo was taken on Adriennes First Birthday.  I have first birthday portraits of both my kids.  I'm not sure why I only have Adriennes on my hard drive.  I've gottta get Ryan's scanned in soon too.

This photo was taken during Adriennes first dance competition.  She took first place in her age division.  I think she only competed the once.  Such a shame.  She is such a good dancer now...

We are too much alike, and tend to not get along because of it.  But I have learned a lot over this past year and a half.  I moved away for work.  She did not want to come, and tried to make it on her own in Calgary.  She ended up moving back into the house with Bruce and Ryan.  I have learned that she is no longer my little girl.  She is a young lady who will do everything in her power to do what she wants to do.  If there's a way to do it, she'll find it and do what needs to be done.  Very determined. 

I miss her and Ryan more than words can say.  They don't know it, but I am considering just up and quitting my job in order to move back.  It breaks my heart daily not being with them. 

My health took a huge toll on all of us.  I have appologized to both my kids for what happened to our family becuase of it.  But I did the best I could.  They had a roof over their heads.  They had food.  It may not always have been exaclty what they wanted, but they never went to bed without supper because I couldn't afford to feed them.  I did, but they didn't.

I feel like the luckiest person in the world to have such two wonderful people who call me mom.  I just hope I can make it all up to them both someday...

My son...

My son is 19.  He'll be 20 this September.

He was born when I had just finished high school.  Yep.  I graduated that June, and gave birth that September.

I was head over heels in love with his dad.  No idea how it happened either.  I had been living alone for over a year.  I had moved back into the house I grew up in.  Both my parents had left it, and it was going up for sale.  While it was on the market, I lived there.  That's when I met Fred.

I was in high school.  He wasn't.  He was many years older than I was.  At first, we were just acquaintances who would pass each other in our every day lives.  Then I found myself looking forward to chatting with him on my way home from school. 

I don't even remember how or when, but suddenly we were dating.  Friends of mine warned me he was married.  I confronted him with this as soon as I had heard.  I didn't want to be that person.  No way no how.  He wasn't worth my time if he was a cheater.  He actually showed me divorce papers.  I believed him.

Little did I know, he was living with someone else.  Had been for years.  When I found out, I tried to leave.  I cried for days and days.  I missed him so much.  Then I found out something else.  I was pregnant.

Scared, and still missing him, I told him.  We both struggled with this bit of information.  He was staying with his "wife" and I was... well, we all know what I was.

But despite this fact, I couldn't bring myself to leave.  I was alone, scared, and expecting my first child.  At least he was there to help me with that.

After my son was born, he was there quite a bit, helping me take care of the baby.  Finally, when Ryan was 2 months old, I had a scare.  I woke up sicker than a dog one morning.  I was scared that I might be pregnant again.  I went for a test right away.  Thankfully it was negative.  That's when I decided enough was enough.  Between that, and Fred's wife wanting to take custody of my son, it was time to go.

I made arrangements and got help.  I moved.  Not just to a new place.  Out of the province.  I moved to be closer to where my mother was living.

I didn't tell Fred I was going.  I just disappeared one day.  I never came back or talked to him for years. I still missed him every day, but the distance between us was helping to keep me away.

While I was gone, I started University.  Ryan and I did quite well on our own for a few years.  It was during this time I took Fred to court for child support.  He was pissed.  The court ordered him to pay all of $100/month for our son, and he still fought it.  Anyway, the courts imposed this payment, and he made it every month.  Not always on time, but I got it every month.  That's one thing I can say for him.  He might not have been there, and didn't help much, but he did what he had to.

When Ryan turned 2, we moved back to the city where his dad was living.  I looked him up.  Ryan had problems, and I couldn't afford the program that I wanted to get Ryan into for these problems.  I went to his dad to ask for help with Ryan.  I never even mentioned the program.  I just asked for help with our son.

It broke my heart, when he told me to take that child and get out of his life.

So that's exactly what we did.  We went straight from talking to Fred, to the grocery store to pick up Ryan's 2nd birthday cake.  Even then I knew it was Fred's loss.  Ryan was an amazing little boy who deserved better than that jerk.  I decided then and there Ryan would not be told about this.  Not while he was growing up anyway.  He didn't need the baggage this would cause.   

When Ryan was about 4 years old, I took Fred back to court for a better support order.  This time he was ordered to pay $400/month.  He fought that one.  The judge laughed at him  Said he was getting off with an insulting amount up to now, and $400 was more on with what his income was, so it was time to properly support this child.

That was all the support of any kind I ever got from Ryan's father.  When I married, I changed all our names to my husbands name.  We also moved out of province again within 2 weeks of getting married.  As far as I can tell, Fred has no idea where we are, or even what our names are.  It's his loss.  Ryan is an incredible young man.  I am proud that he calls me mom..

I am not 100% sure if I ever did tell Ryan this story.  I think I did at one point.  He was well into his teens, and was asking about his dad.  He wanted to meet him.  I told Ryan who his dad was, and why we left.  I also told him one day we would go back and look up his dad.  Just to be prepared in case he still hated me.  He would say nasty things to try and get even with me.  That this would have nothing to do with Ryan.  It would be hatred directed at me.

 That's my son.  The pimp costume was from Haloween in 2009.  He took 1st place for mens costume.  I took first for womens.  My love of Haloween rubbed off on him. 

Monday May 30

I haven't checked in for a while now.  No biggie.  I've been a bit busy.  Mostly it's due to wondering how long my room mate will keep being nice to me for.  It has me on edge a bit. 

Wondering when he'll loose his temper again. 
Wondering why he's being so nice.
Just wondering.

I really need to get out more.  I can't stand being cooped up in that house so much of the time.  Been trying to reach out to a few people around town.  Just not really sure about it anymore.  One day it'll be fine.  Next day I get brushed off. 

I just need a change.  I really don't know what though.  Maybe I should pick up and leave town.  No job lined up in Calgary though.  Hmm.  Maybe I should make plans to just go anyway.  Work for so long, then pack up and go. 

The neighbors wife is back hitting on my room mate again.  I really don't understand why it upsets me so much.  I am not interested in my room mate that way.  It just gets to me.  She complains about how her hubby treats her, and how she has very few friends in town.  Guess what!  Stop cheating on your husband.  Be a faithful wife, and maybe people will start to think you might have it in you to be a faithful friend again too!!!  No one wants a friend who's likely to start hitting on their hubby/boyfriend.  I guess it's really none of my business though...

I was shopping online for some new fitness clothes.  I am struggling to loose weight.  And new workout clothes helps sometimes.  But I can't decide.  I guess I'll have to go into a shop one of these days...soon.  There is a new shop that has opened up in Regina.  They are competing with Lululemon.  They have the long yoga pants.  I mean really long - 36" inseam.  Just what I need.  And some nice colors.  Maybe it's time for a road trip.  Go shopping.  Get something new and nice.  I was thinking of something like these too:

I still might get these.  You can't hide ANYTHING when wearing something like this.  Would be good for progress pictures.  Mind you, I do have those bikini's...

Besides, shorts ride up on me.  My thighs are still too close together.  I am starting to wonder if I'll ever loose those fat deposits.

However, having an outfit like this and wanting to wear it out for a workout might be enough motivation to work for it.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Why do I have so much trouble treating myself once in a while...

I'm not talking food. I'm talking just doing nice things for myself. I am really struggling with doing nice things for me. I used to go and get my nails done every 5-6weeks. Mind you, they were gel nails, and needed the upkeep.

I stopped that months ago. Now, I am trying to take care of my own nails. We all know how that goes...

Anyhow, this past week I've made it a priority to paint my nails. Actually, it's been two weeks now. This week, each hand is painted differently.

I've got black tips wth white and silver lines on one hand, and white tips with flower stickers on the other. I figure if I keep working at it, I'll get better and better.

But it's not only here I lack in treating myself. I need a haircut. Have for a while now. I just can't bring myself to do it. I mean, I've been short of money too, but I am noticing the first thing to go on the back burner is treating myself. I'm going to have to change that.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

May 25, 2011

Today I'm finally starting to feel better.  Not so much like I'm trying to run through wet cement all day long.  I still have a cough, but it's not so bad anymore. 

I got a phone call today.  A telephone interview for a position I applied for here in Estevan.  I would love to say it went great, but I'm not so sure.  I think it went well, but then at the end, he asked if I'd be okay if he  passed my resume to another position that I might be suited for.  At first I thought this was a good thing.  Then I got  a  feeling that this was an easy out.  A way to hire  someone else for this position and  and pass  me along into the secretarial pool.  Don't get me wrong.  I am good at business administration.  But I also have a computer degree.  I don't understand why guys are like that when it comes to these positions.  Hire their buddy....

Okay, never mind.  I don't know why my mind is going there.  He probably didn't mean anything by it.  And here I am over-reacting. 

I just find it so frustrating...

I still haven't heard about that job back in Calgary either.  Not a word from Mike in a long time.  It's starting to look to me like he's just not interested in hiring me.  Oh well..  No biggie.  I just wish he would tell me. 

Anyhow, I went for a run today.  It felt good.  I am going to go again tonight.  The run today was cut short - I was being eaten alive by mosquitoes.  Decided it'd be better to cut it short, get some bugspray, and go again later. 

As you can tell from my ranting earlier, I really do need to get out there and run again.  My mental facilities are under undue stress from lack of exercise.

And the room  mate?  Glad you asked.  Or am I???  Kidding.  He's being exceptionally nice to me lately.  Almost too nice.  Got me worried.  Walking on eggshells again.  I am working on not letting it get to me.  The tough part is, if I keep avoiding him, it'll piss him off.  But I don't want to compromise who I am anymore.  I don't like listening to him rant and rave.  He's always complaining.  About how he is right, and everyone else is wrong.  Or about how everyone hates him.  Or how they've done him wrong.  I am sick to death of it all. 

I'm tired having a "friend"  who blames everyone around him for his issues. 

I miss having real friends close by.

Someone who is there for you.  Someone there with a shoulder for you to cry on when you need it.  Someone who genuinely carees about your well being and successees

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I would love to go out tonight, but...

...  I have no one to go with.  I just went through my contacts list on my iPhone.  No one.  I know someone I could ask to join me for a movie, possibly.  But I don't have a way to contact him.  I might try to see if he's at the bar after work. 

Yes, I know.  Bar.  Not a good sign.  The guy drinks.  Way too much.  But I'm not looking for a life partner.  Just someone to go to a movie with tonight. 

I texted my room mate to see if he wanted to.  Yeah.  I get the whole Bad Idea thing there.  But he's someone I know...  Anyhow.  His answer?  "c what hap".  Talk about feeling like I got the brush off.  Find.  You c what hap.  I'm going.  I'll find someone who wants to spend some time with me.


Walking on eggshells again

Colin  came home yesterday.  He's back to being sorry for the way  he's acted.  Not overly sorry, but sorry.  I think he has no idea how to act around me anymore.  He gets mad at me fro pulling away.  Then he gets mad at me for not. 

He wanted to go for a motorcycle ride last night.  I told him I  was feeling sick.  I didn't lie.  I i  am sick.  And I don't feel safe.  He doesn't get how impossible it is for me too ride  when I don't feel safe.  I honestly hate it. 

But he realized  when he got  home that  I was sick.  He didn't push the issue.  I'm glad. 

He even kind of tried to say good morning this  morning.  I just can't take this.  I told him I'm not interested.  I wish he would just back off.  Guess I'll have to find a way to find a life for me, without him. 

He didn't even tell me about the Ramblers having their weekend bash this past weekend.  I guess he thinks if he can't go, then I can't go either.  What is wrong with him?  I'm not his property. 

I just don't know what to do right now.  It's better having him not angry.  Or is it really?

I need to get away.  Away from him.  From his warped sense of what life is. 

But I can't right now. 

How can I deal with this?  How can I deal with his stuff, and not piss him off again.  I told him last time, I'm not going to feel like a part of someone's harem.  I deserve better.  I don't think he understands though.  If I'm important to you as a friend, then I'm important.  I'm not a punching bag.  I won't put up with this crap over and over.

He really hurt me on that trip back from Calgary in April.  Nothing has been the same since.  Nothing.  I wonder if he even realizes that's when it all changed?  Probibly not.  Then he might have to actually take some responsibility for his actions - realize it was his actions that have caused this rift between us. 

I just don't know what to do.  Things would be so much easier if I just played along with his game.  Maybe I should for a while.  Until I can get out. 

But I can't keep compromising my beliefs and who I am.  I deserve better than that. 

Sunday, May 22, 2011

My heart is still so heavy.  I just don't know what to do about this. 

Sitting here waiting is not right. 

I was online looking for work back in Calgary tonight.  I think it's time for me to make a change.  When I was out walking tonight, I realized I just don't want to be here anymore.  I am so angry.  I just can't shake it. There's no future for me here.  Not the way things are going right now anyway.

Why not?  I have a job.  It pays well.  I can find a way to make it work.  I just need to find somewhere else to live.  Here is not good for me.

Colin will be coming home tomorrow sometime.  I don't want to be here.  He can't even be bothered to take the time to tell me how his day is going.  I have a pretty good idea why.  I guess he figures I'm just some dumb idiot who will go along with his crap.  WRONG!  I deserve so much better than this. 

So why do I stay?  Because I have no where else to go right now. 

Why can't I just make this work?  Why can't I find a life of my own and just focus on work? 

Maybe I should distract myself for a while tonight.  I could go through my clothes.  See what fits, and what doesn't.  Repack my van. 

I just really don't want to. 

Let's see.  What other tools do I have that I can use.  Distraction.  Turning the mind. 


I am sick to death of travelling this journey alone.  I can't deal with it.

I wish there was someone there to talk to at the end of my day.

Someone to tell how I'm feeling. 
Someone to hear how their day went. 
Someone who could be there for support when things go bad. 
Someone to celebrate with when things go well. 
Someone to take care of me when I'm sick. 
Someone I can take care of when they need a helping hand.
Someone who cares.  Want's to connect with me and is genuinely interested in how my life is going.
Someone who won't brush me off because they are busy
Someone who wants to share the good, the bad, and the ugly life has to offer.

I'm not saying I need somone to complete me.  I'm saying it's lonely here.  I don't like it.  I want out. 

I have many online friends, and I love the support I get from each and every one of you.  I really do appreciate it.  Without you, I don't know if I could complete this journey. 

But it's not the same. 

There's a hole in my heart, and I just don't know how to fix it. 

Sunday May 22

I think I've discovered what's so wrong this weekend.  It all comes down to the room mate issues.  I have been compromising my beleifs and who I am to the point I am going against myself too much.  It's triggering my fight or flight.  It's triggering the old beliefs that I can't protect or take care of myself. 

I need to go.  But part of me just doesn't know what to do.  Do I quit my job and move back to Calgary?  Or do I just move out of the house, and find somewhere else to live.  I will be completely alone for a while.  But that might be better than this.  Forget might.  It will be better.  I just don't know if I'll stay here alone for any length of time.

Or do I give myself a time line.  Leave in so many weeks.  Regarldess of what is ahead of me.  Just pack up and go.  I can either move out on my own and promise myself I will move back to Calgary afer so long.  Or I can try to stick it out here. 

As long as I try to stick it out here, I will not gain any ground.  I will struggle with my marathon training.  I will not loose any weight.  I just won't be able to grow.  And my mental health will continue to deteriorate. 

Colin is coming home tomorrow.  I can't leave for at least another week.  I just don't know if I can take this anymore.  He's just not healthy. 

Am I strong enough to keep fighting through this?  Maybe, but I'm sick of fighting.  I can't keep fighting all the time, and still be able to accomplish anything else. 

I've spent the last two days wallowing.  I've eaten snack things that I really shouldn't have.  And it's reflected on the scale.  Surprising how even if I were to work in some of these snacks into my nutrtion, I blow up like a balloon.  It's all because of htis.  I can't progress.  My own body is fighting me at every turn.  I don't know what to do anymore. 

If I were to be 100% honest, my job is only adding to this.  I feel I am not really doing anything there anymore.  I am not accomplishing anything.  I just can't keep going like this. 

Maybe I need to re-evaluate things in a week.  I need some changes.  I have applied for a couple of other jobs.  Maybe see what happens in this next week with them. 

Or maybe I can learn that regardless of how productive I feel at work, I am getting paid for it.  I get paid the same if I'm busy, or just filling time.  I guess I can somehow learn to live with that.  Not everyone feels completely fulfilled by every minute of their job.  And they don't "attack" me for not being busy all the time here. 

Okay, I guess I can adjust to work.  But the rest of my life...

The sun is shining.  Haven't seen that in a couple of days now.  Maybe I should go for a run.  I'll bet it'll really help me feel better. 

I really do need to make some changes though.  I have enough money on my credit card to buy our airline tickets to San Francisco this October.  I will be booking the flights as soon as the payment is cleared on the card - I am hoping by Tuesday.  Unless I miss the seat sale.  Then I'll  have to keep working and saving to get them. 

I also need to get back in touch with things that I'm passionate about.  Dancing. Taking pictures.  Anything that will help me reconnect with my true self. 

I need to listen to my inner child more often too.  She needs to come out and play more.  I've been supressing her to help keep my room mate happy.  Enough.  I need to do for me for a while. 

So why am I so afraid to?

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Saturday May 21

I've been at a loss for words for the past two days.  Imagine that.  lol.  Actually, not so funny.

Something is wrong.  I just can't  seem to figure it out.

I was in Regina on Friday.  The plan was to stay for the weekend.  I ended up falling asleep in the afternoon.  Just a short nap.  Then I woke up.  In full blown panic.  Grabbed all my stuff, packed it in my van, and left.  I met with the friend I was staying with for supper.  Took him out.  Then had to tell him I was leaving.  Boy was he pissed.

I just don't know why I had to leave.  I just had to.  Funny thing.  I was supposed to go to a BBQ at a friends place in Regina tonight.  I don't even regret coming back here and not going.  Usually I would, but not this time.

And here I sit in my pj's.  Never did get dressed today.

Oh.  It's now 6:09pm.  I forget if the earthquake that was to end the world was to happen at 6 or 6:30.  Guess it wasn't 6.  Just a random thought thrown in there.

So I'm sitting here alone.  in my pj's.

I went out earlier to get some stuff.  I ended up bringing back a small ice cream (500ml), a bag of low salt chips, and some chip dip.  I know better.  I was trying to find snack stuff that was better.  I also picked up some chicken breasts, prego, and mushrooms.  So I can cook some good food as well this weekend.  But I finally decided to get some of the snack things I'm missing.  I can't do 100% deprivation.  It only leads to binging.

On the way home, I got some McD's coffee and some fries.  Ate the fries.

I really have to focus.  Something is causing a block.  Why can't I figure out why I had to leave?

I have my manicure stuff with me.  I should fix my nails tonight.

Awe.  Who knows.  I know I had trouble breathing earlier that day.  I tried to go running.  Ran though the park.  It's beyond frustrating.  I couldn't breath.  I finally gave up on my run by 40min.  I guess running for 40min wasn't so bad, but it was a 70min run.  Now I've gotta try again soon.  And it's raining out today.  And tomorrow.

Just seems I can't catch a break.

I know.  I'm wallowing.  Just not really sure why I'm wallowing.  Thursday was a good night.  Friday was a failry good day, until I panicked.  So what triggered it?

I actually think I might finally have a bit of an idea.  Maybe Chris is thinking there's more to me staying than just a friend.  I can't deal with that.  I invited him to come with me on Thursday night.  He didn't.  Said he couldn't, but it's just because he doesn't do change all that well.  The thought of getting involved with someone like that again....  I just can't do it.

That and the fact maybe I'm feeling a little guilty about missing work for 2 days.

Okay.  It triggered my fight or flight.  No reason to fight, so time to run.

Oh man.  Now how do I explain this to him?  Guess I have to accept that it'll be his decision if he's okay just being friends.

Guess it's time for me to find a way.  I owe him that much...

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

oh no...

after almost two weeks of not talking to me, guess who walked in an not only is talking to me again.  He actually invited me out for a motorcycle ride tonight! 

I can't keep on this roller coaster.  If he's over his sulking, I just might have to tell him I'm moving soon.  That'll be enough to set him off again, but I can't do this anymore.

Wednesday May 18

Guess I never did blog about my day yet.  I mean, the one directly below is kind of about today.  But it's more of a continuation blog...

Anyhow, today is going okay.  My room mate is being his wonderful charming self (tongue in cheek) again. 

I just contacted a friend of mine.  I wanted to blow off work tomorrow and go dancing in Saskatoon tomorrow night.  I knew he never would.  Such an old stick in the mud.  Oh well.  I still might...

Chances are I won't.  I just don't have it in me to do that.  It's a far drive.  And to go alone...

Besides, I'm worried about being away from my stuff for the night with my room mate being the way he is. 

I just talked to a friend.  I am looking into another place to stay.  I just can't take his crap anymore.  I have no idea why he is like this.  I can't take it anymore. 

Anyhow, the sun is shining.  I was able to go for my run today, and feel great about it.  You can check out my other blog for that

As for tonight?  I want to get away.  I just don't want to do it alone.  So I guess it's home for me again.  Sit there all evening.  Until Colin gets home.  Then I'll go hide in my room. 

I'm getting really sick of this. 

later that same day...

My room mate is still up to his same old crap.  To the point it had me crying on my run today.  But I am proud to say it didn't keep me from finishing my run. 

I really need a break.  I don't even remember how though.  I know he's leaving this weekend.  Not soon enough if you ask me.  And all of these other so called "friends" I have in town can't be bothered.  I am getting sick of it all.  If I could, I'd likely just pack up and go now. 

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Please send strength my way tonight.

I'm off work.  At Colin's house again.  Mostly because I don't have anywhere else to go. 

I feel myself caving again.  Just give in.  If you suck up and beg enough he'll stop this.  You can handle his regualr tyrades easier than this...

No I Can't!!!  I deserve better.  I Can't tell him I'm sorry.  I'm not.  I was not wrong.  I didn't do anything.  ANYTHING!!!!  I don't need to appologize.  He does.

He owes me more than he can ever repay.  I did not deserve the treatment I got on the way home from Calgary.  Even the most heartless a$$ would have been more caring and supportive with what was going on.

I promised myself at Christmas I wouldn't let him do this to me again. And yet, here I am.  Thursday night will be the last time I see him for a few days.  Thank GOD.  Now if I can make it through to Friday morning.  It'll all be okay. 

But right now I'm thinking I'll have trouble making it through tonight. 

On a better note, I have found someone to install the trailer hitch for me.  They are taking one I already have, altering it, then installing it for me.  They have time to install it on Saturday the 28th.  I can hold out until then right???  Besides, if I have to leave sooner, I'm sure I can figure it out.  I just have no where to go...

He's not here yet.  I'm kind of hoping he stays away.  See's my van, and chooses to not come around.  I really need to find an out.  I just don't know if I can do this anymore.

The number of followers is growing...

I like to see that.  I know there are people out there who actually take the time to read what I'm writing.  Even leave comments every now and again. 

Helps me feel less alone.  Thanks.  I really do appreciate it.
I am trying to not slip back into the funk that is trying to grab me.  I am trying to not convince myself that things would be better if I just patched stuff up with Colin.  I'm trying to hold the belief I deserve better...

A thought just keeps jumping into my mind.  It has saved me a few times this week.  Actually, this month. 

In April, we drove to Calgary for a dance competition.  Needless to say, he tried but couldn't keep himself from finding fault with everything again.  I had enough by Sunday morning, and got frustrated with him.  Said one wrong thing.  That was it.  He was off again.

As if it wasn't bad enough.  Here I was having to pack up and leave my kids and dog behind once again.  I couldn't stop crying.  I begged him on the trip to please talk to me.  Say something.  My heart was breaking.  I needed help to be able to leave my kids again. 

Nothing.  That cold hearted a$$ just sat there.  Finally pretended to be asleep.  Refused to help drive, get fuel.  Heck, when we'd stop I would ask if he needed anything.  Coffee, snack.  Anything.  He refused to answer me.  Not even one word.  It took all I had to keep that van pointed back to Saskatchewan.  I was so tempted to go back to Calgary and tell him to screw himself.  Find his own way home.  Be done once and for all.

But I was the bigger person.  I drove us back to Estevan.  He went off for a whole week before he came around.  When he did, I told him things were different.  He figured I'd just get over it all.  WRONG.  There was nothing for me to get over.

I now knew who he was.  He wasn't the good man I honestly believed was buried deep in there.  He really is a hateful, spiteful person who honestly is getting what he deserves. He is a walking example of Karma. 

So why do I keep feeling it's my fault?  That he is a good man?  That maybe if I did things differently, things would be better? 

What is honestly wrong with me?  Seriously.  I need some answers.  Any answers.  Suggestions even.  I can't solve this one on my own.  I'm lost.

Tuesday May 17 - nails and a new hard hat.

Wow.  I just don't know how I'm going to be able to do this. 

My room mate is getting worse and worse.  The bad part - I don't really have anywhere to go.  I thought I might, but that doesn't look like it's so anymore.

I just might have to quit my job and leave town.  No job.  No money.  No where to live.  I am getting downright scared. 

It might have been a HUGE mistake, but I just told my room mate how scared I am and why.  I need him to stop this.  If he doesn't, I have no choice.  I'll have to go.

I wanted to have enough saved for my SF trip later this fall before I made any decisions.  I guess if I could stick it out, I could have that in about 2 months.  Sooner if I stopped all extra spending.  But I need some spending money.  I'll loose my mind if I don't get away once in a while.

On a brighter note, I did my nails last night.  Hot pink for my toes.  I did something different on my hands.  I am getting a pic of them done now.

What do you think?  I know. It's not the best image.  My iPhone tends to take blurry shots when it's detail stuff like this.  I've got a darker color glitter on the tips, with a small white band above them.  I did them myself at home.  A little shaky, but practice makes perfect right...

Oh, and my hard hat came in last night. 

I love pink.  In case you couldn't tell...

I am really working with my distress tolerance techniques this past week.  Looks like I'll have to keep it up indefinitely.  Guess I should get out my old blogs with the information and see what else I can do to make it through this ...

I hope Ryan is okay today.  A friend of mine here in town.  Sent me a text after 3am.  I'm kind of worried about it.  He knows about my blogs.  Not sure if he's reading them still or not, but if he is, I hope you are okay Ryan.  I'm here to talk, or just listen.  Whatever.  I get it.  Been there.  I would even say done that.  Let's just say I completely get where your stuck.  I'm well on my way there too, with the way the room mate is treating me...

Anyhow, on to better and brighter thoughts.

The scale was good to me again today.  Down to 221.2lbs.  Lowest since I re-started this journey.  Here's hoping it keeps going down.   My overall goal is to loose a total of at least 35lbs.  At most - 45lbs.  But I've found with running, my body will stop when it's done loosing.  So I'm just focusing on eating well.  I need to have the right fuel for my running training.  If I eat well, and keep training, the weight will drop.  It may not drop fast, but it will drop.

Today I'm back in my size 31jeans.  Can't wait til I get back into my 29's.  I can't believe I ever fit 29's.  Or that 30's were loose on me.  I'm getting there.  Right now, the 31's are snug.  Not overly tight.  Just snug.

I keep rambling.  I'm waiting for my pic of my hard hat to come through my email.  Then I can grab it and drop it here.  Besides, this is one of my distress tolerance tools.  To write it all out of my head and heart.  Get it down and out of me.  Seeing it in writing often helps me realize it's not as big an issue as it seems to be in my head.  Rolling around in there.  Driving me crazy....

The email pic still isn't here, so I went online and grabbed the pic of my hard hat there.  I love it.  Not the neon pink one they had here in town. 

Monday, May 16, 2011

Road Trip!

Went on a quick road trip to Noonan, ND tonight after work.  Steak night.  They make the most delicious steaks I've eaten since I've moved to Saskatchewan.  Love them.  Nice steak sandwich, baked potato, and a salad for $9.  Great food at an excellent price.  I love having to run to Noonan on steak night.  Or prime rib night...

Today I had to go for two reasons.  Two packages actually.  My new hard hat.  And a couple of t-shirts I had ordered.  In with the t-shirts are keychains my room mate Colin ordered.  They are for the upcoming golf tournament for his son who died over 10 years ago.  Anyhow, he had some nice keychains designed. 

But he's being such an a$$ today.  I won't even tell him they are here.  If he asks later, I'll tell him I got a notice that there was a delivery exception.  That they should arrive tomorrow.  I just am not interested in dealing with his issues. 

Anyhow, he's really upset today.  I get that.  But grow up and talk to me already.  If not, well, it's your loss.  I've already decided I'm done with his crap.  Actually, I decided it back in April.  I have just been going with the flow for the past month or so. 

And now I've got a couple of offers for another place to stay.  So I'm seriously considering taking up one of them.  Get the heck out of here.  I know I'll be so much better off once I go. 

But then why do I still feel so bad about this decision?  Why am I still worried about how it will affect Colin?  This guy who has no IDEA that the world does not revolve around him.  The guy who will take his unfounded anger out on me for weeks at a time without a single word as to why he's so upset.  The guy who's been trying to make me HATE everything I love.  He has me so upset, I've stopped teaching dance lessons.  I just couldn't deal with his baggage around me wanting to teach. 

He's storming around the house.  Won't even talk to me.  Oh well.  His loss.  My tummy is full.  And I'm feeling pretty good right now.  I would say happy, but I think the right description is smug!

And I don't really like that.  I am not that person.  I am bigger than that.  But not today...

later that same day...


But seriously.  Room mate has been texting me. He honestly feels that everyone hates him.  Including me.  I am getting tired of this.  We chatted for a while by text. 

It's that darn caring, empathic (empathetic?  I don't know.  What's the verb form of empathy???) part of my personality.   I am starting to think it's a real curse. 

Anyhow, I think he's starting to come out of his funk.  Oh well.  I'm thinking too little too late.  I really need to separate myself from this crap.  The sooner the better.  Seriously.

Off to Noonan tonight.  Got a couple of parcels to pick up.  And it's steak night.  Can't wait.  They have a great steak sandwich.  For an even better price.  Besides.  I need the break.

Monday May 16

I am so frustrated right now.  I let my room mate take the wind out of my sails yesterday with his crap.  Now I'm letting him get to me again this morning.

I sent him a text.  Just to say good morning.  He can't even be bothered to reply.  I know sometimes he gets busy.  But lately it's been a game for him.  He can't be bothered to respond. 

I am so on the verge of screwing him over this week.  Sad part is, it's not in my nature.  I think I'll just return the favor.  Can't be bothered to talk to him either.  I have to run to Noonan ND to pick up a couple of packages today.  Instead of seeing if he wants to come with, I'll go myself.  Tell him they didn't show up.  One of the packages is for him.  Let him sweat it out a few days worrying.  Or rather don't tell him anything.  Just avoid him.  Then eventually bring them out and leave them for him to find. 

I don't get why I let him get to me like this.  I just can't take it anymore.  All of this is going to change who I am, and not for the better.  It's going to turn me into a bitter angry person.  I just don't want to be that person.  I'm better than that.  I have to keep reminding myself that every day.

Now I've got bigger fish to fry.  I've gotta get motivated to get out there and run today.  I will be going in about 90minutes.  I need to put this crap behind me and just get out there.

But I don't remember how to do that.  Guess I could convince myself he just didn't get the messages.  Yes, I sent him one as soon as I left for work this morning too.  I left early and he was pretending to be asleep.

I don't deserve this crap.  So the a$$ figures the world should revolve around him.  That's his problem.  Why do I let it get to me so much? 

Wrong way to go with this.  That's only making me feel worse. 

I will feel so much better after a good run today.  I'll do my speed training.  run6min, walk3min and repeat however many times it is this week.  I think it's 7 times this week.  Then get a nice salad from Co-op.  Yummy.  Right after work I have a road trip to go on.  Just a short one - south of the border to get those packages.  Guess I should check the tracking again.  Make sure they are going to be there.  But the eta for both is today.  They both left Minot this morning on the truck. 

I really need to relax.  Find my inner happy.  Bring it back to the surface again. 

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Today's Challenge from Jillian Michaels (Facebook)

CHALLENGE: This week, try staying firmly rooted in the present, not regrets from the past or worries about the future. Your power exists in the now. So many go through life on autopilot without ever stopping to question things or cultivate a life they're passionate about. So, set your alarm to go off every hour throughout your day. When it does take inventory of what you're doing & how it makes you FEEL. If you love something do more of it. If you don't make a course correction. Your emotions will help guide you to your happiest healthiest life.
 I am honestly afraid of what I'll find today if I do this.  Okay, maybe not afraid.  I know what I'll find.  I'm not happy now.  Even when Colin is not being such a complete jerk, I'm still not happy.  I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  

I guess it's time for me to grow up.  Face reality.  I'm not happy here.  I really never was.  I tried.  I tried everything I could.  I tried to be understanding of what he was going through.  I tried.  But it wasn't enough.
 I've taken a few steps in the right direction.  I have blocked him from my blogs/facebook, etc.  I have also deleted my email information from his computer.
I used to believe I could help Colin.  I used to believe he was a good man, somewhere in there.  I used to believe he was just this way because he never learned any better, but if I gave him some time, he'd come around and stop this...
I was so wrong.  I've never been that wrong before in my life.
At least I'm starting to get it.  I am looking online at what it'll cost me for a trailer.  One way to Calgary.  I am also looking at just making a trip there on the long weekend.  Drop off the bikes and come back.  Then all I have to do is pick up and go when I'm ready.  Might be more cost efficient to just go one way.  Never look back.  Screw how badly it'll mess with his mind.  The a$$ doesn't deserve to have me around anymore anyway.
I can't beleive it, but I've let him do it to me again.  While I was getting dressed to go running.  We were texting.  He upset me so much, I just can't leave the house now. 

Why do I let him do this to me? 

I'm not giving up though.  I had some breakfast, and now I'm working on getting myself geared up to try again.  I can always go in a little bit...

Sunday May 15

Up an at ‘em early this morning.  Was wide awake by 6am.  Out of bed by 6:30.  Decided to go for coffee.  Left an invite for the room mate.  I am assuming he won’t show up.  Won’t even respond to the message.  Oh well.  His loss.

I am sitting here at a local restaurant wondering why I have stayed this long.  I am going to be leaving this town with a very bad impression of it.  Such a shame too.  I’m sure there are good people here.  I just haven’t found very many of them.  Okay, that’s not 100% right.  I’ve found a few.  But have not been able to develop any sort of relationship to be able to get together with them.  I’m pretty sure it’s partially due to my room mate.  No one wants him around.  No one.  And if they think an invite for me includes him, well then I’m SOL. 

Guess I kind of brought it on myself.  That is the way it was for a long time.  I didn’t want to exclude him.  I honestly believed he was a good man.  Now...

Anyhow, I’m feeling good this morning.  Coming down from yesterdays endorphins, but still doing okay.  No real aches or pains.  Lungs are not too bad.  I was having a few coughing fits last night, but nothing major.    Now to decide if I’m going running again today.  I am leaning towards yes.  I really need those endorphins to get through this weekend. 

Well, the room mate showed up for coffee.  Not because I was there.  But rather in spite of that fact.  He was even civil when we were there.  But it was all a show.  As soon as everyone cleared out, so did he.  No see ya.  Nothing.  Just gone.  Getting really sick of this bull from him.  Who does he think he is?  I honestly believe he thinks the world revolves around him.  And that if people don’t agree with that, they are just something to take his anger out on.  Seriously screwed up that boy...

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Went out for supper tonight with Marc.  He's a nice enough guy.  We just don't have any romantic sparks.  In this case, that's okay.  I think he and I could be friends.  He's from Quebec.  English is his second language.  But he does pretty well with it.

Colin came back from fishing.  Jumped on his motorcycle and left.  He sent me a couple of civil texts within the last hour.  And then he comes home and acts like this.  I just don't know what to do.

On Monday I will be running into the US to the bar in Noonan.  I have a hard hat being delivered.  As well as a couple of custom t-shirts.  I am looking forward to getting them. 

I am sitting here now, with my feet up.  I feel so accomplished.  That race today was great.  And I am sitting in my little jeans.  Not my size 9-10.  But a pair that I had to loose almost 10lbs to be able to fit into them again.  I bought them like that.  I love my "show off the great butt" jeans. 

You know, I'm in a pretty good mood all things considered.  Colin can be an a$$, and I can still be happy.  Imagine that.  It's kind of liberating to know I am not so closely tied to his issues anymore. 

More room mate issues

I am sorry if this is driving you all crazy.  It sure is driving me crazy.  That's why I'm blogging it out.

Colin, my room mate, is so mad at me now.  He won't even answer texts.  What does he expect?  He tells me yesterday he couldn't be bothered to come to my race.  Then out of the blue he shows up.  After the race, he sees me sitting in my van crying.  Heck, not even crying.  By now I'm bawling.  He asks me if I'm okay.  I tell him no, not really.  I just need a minute.  Then while I was changing my shoes, he takes off in a huff. 

I sent him a text thanking him for showing up.  I get a message back basically telling me off.  I don't get it.  So, I loose my temper.  Ask him why he even bothered showing up anyway????

Now he's really pissy.  I just can't take this anymore.

On a better note, I am going for supper with a friend tonight.  Got an invite a couple hours ago.  I am looking forward to it.  Nothing romantic with this guy.  Just supper with a friend.  Might be a good distraction.

Answers to yesterdays Questions

It came to me last night.  I get why I'm here.  Why I'm going through this. 

I am an agry person.  Unfortunately, I would loose my temper all the time.  My poor kids and husband.  I honestly pray I was not as bad as Colin.  Actually, I know I was never this severe.  At least when I'd loose it, I'd still talk.  I would tell people what was wrong and why I was upset. 

That doesn't make it alright.  I guess I'm seeing what it's like to live with someone like I used to be. 

Wow.  What a wake up.  I get it now. 

I'm ready to go back home and try to make it up to those people.  They deserve so much better than I ever gave them.  I just hope it's not too late...

Friday, May 13, 2011

No wonder the a$$ feels so alone

He pushes everyone out.  He hurts everyone around him.  And tries to make them feel like it's their fault!  What a psycho. 

I'm beyond done. 

I got a phone call from Calgary tonight.  It's looking promising for a job back home.  I can't wait.  I am ready to start packing right now.  I am hoping to have a telephone interview next week.  Then in as little as two weeks, I can be on the highway back home. 

I'll NEVER look back.  This past year or so has been such a mistake.  I can't wait to make it all better.

I am just hoping I get a job offer.  I think there's a good chance.  Mike already said he trumped up my computer experience.  He want's my resume to look good to his boss.  Guess that's who I'll be interviewing with. 

Needless to say, I'm not telling ANYONE here ANYTHING!  I would personally prefer to just disappear when the time comes.  Block my cell phone from unwanted contact...

That really sucks.  I honestly believed he was a good man.  How could I be so wrong?  What is wrong with me?  I have never been this wrong about someone before.  And would NEVER have allowed ANYONE to treat me like this before. 

What went so wrong with me?  I just don't get it. 

Everything happens for a reason.  So what was the reason for this whole episode?  What was the reason to end up living here, being treated like this?  Seriously?  I need to know. 

I am on the verge of not even going to my race tomorrow.  Just disappearing for a while.  But that's not what I want.  I want to run.  Why not run, then leave town?  Go to Regina to see a friend for the weekend.  Get my nails done. 

I just don't know.  It's getting late.  I should get some sleep.  I've got a race to run in the morning.

Just rambling today...

I have been following issues on regarding the leaving of a very motional freind of mine. 

There is a lot to the story, and I won't get into it here.  Just wanted to say, it's looking like I'll be blogging here more, and just posting links to this blog on sp.

My weight loss journey blog is down right now.  It went up yesterday. is having tech difficulties.  If I understand right, my blog and the two posts on it will be back up soon.  I am looking forward to it. 

I also need to figure out where I want these blogs to go.  Personally, I'm thinking this one is great for venting all my day to day life stuff, and maybe working through this maze that exists between my ears.  I have a story to tell, and I'm not quite sure how to do it.  But I know it may help someone.  There's a lot of backstory - heck, 38 years worth.  But there is also my day to day battle to keep moving forward.  And yes, many days it is a battle.

I am also on a weight loss/fitness training journey.  I have a separate blog for that.  Thinking that some people may just want to follow my weight loss story.  See how I kick my butt out the door to get my exercise in and so on.  See my body shrink as I go....

Yeah.  I think that'll work.  Then things are not so completely disjointed that followers can't follow along with my story, even as it jumps in and out of the past...

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Money, money, money

Same old stress.  Most of us have it.  Well, it's taking front and center today. 

Colin wants some keytags printed and shipped.  I found if I order them now, I can get them for 30% off, and they will be here early next week.  Just what he needs. 

So I texted him and told him what they would cost.  Asked him if he could afford them, or if we needed to wait.  He told me to order them based on the prices I told him.  Right after I ordered them, he tells me he has to use his credit card.  WHAT!!!  I just clicked pay.  The money is coming out of my bank account within 24hours.  I can't use a credit card!  I need cash to cover this. 

What a pain in the butt.  So now I have to dip into my savings for SF this fall, to cover this payment.  So NOT happy about that.  Told him I can cover some of it, but I need as much as he can get.  I'll only have to come up with about $100 for now.  I just hope he plans on paying me back.  If not, I sure won't be doing this again any time soon...

Top this all off with the money issues I've been having already.  ARGH!

My daughter told me a day or so ago that she wants to go to a summer art camp.  $500 if she can't get the scholarship.  I was busy mulling over in my mind about how to make this work, and she texts me this morning telling me her cell phone is broken.  We just got it for her in September last year!   I just can't take this.  I am ready to tell her it's her responsibility to pay for both if she wants them.  I told her she has to pay for the cell phone.  That was the 3rd one she's destroyed.  Now she will have to pay for it. 

But I'm also debating leaving the art camp up to her too.  She'll have to decide.  What's more important to her - cell or art camp.   I am struggling to save enough to take her with to SF this fall.  I can't afford everything!

Oh.  For anyone who cares, I texted a friend about a movie or supper this week.  Haven't heard back. Don't really expect to.  He's probably got no idea how to say no way!  I am getting sick n tired of this.  I don't expect to meet Mr. Right around here, but just someone to spend time with.  Am I really that repulsive???

Okay, I shouldn't go there right now.  I've got enough issues with room mate, etc.  Can't deal with those insecurities too...

Maybe I can find some extra work.  Pick up some extra cash along the way...

Hmm.  I just might be able to do something with that.  I just have to decide what it  is I want to  or am willing to do.  No, nothing illegal or illicit!  I know computers.  Many people around here don't.  I   am also a dance instructor.  I know how to clean as well.  Got a commercial carpet cleaner with me here.  And I have access to heavy duty  floor cleaning equipment.  My room mate can introduce me to an owner of a construction company.  I  can get back into post construction cleaning.  No guarantee I'll make much at any of these, but it's better than nothing right?

Anyone interested in learning  the Texas Two Step?  Or West Coast Swing?  I'm a good teacher ;)

I am actually dancing in this video.  I taught about 10 couples the routine before this flash mob.  It was GREAT fun. 

Yeah, there's all kinds of stuff you'll learn about me, if you want to come along for the ride. 

My anxiety is easing up a bit, but...

it is not gone yet.  If it was, I wouldn't be writing again.  It is better though.  That run helped.  I cut my training run short.  It was going great.  I just decided after 3 days of being sick and not eating right to fuel these runs, I needed to go to Co-op and get a nice salad for lunch.  And nice it was.  Spinach leaves.  Romain lettuce.  Baby shrimp.  3 hard boiled eggs - removed the yolks though.  Grilled chicken pieces.  Cucumbers.  Mushrooms.  Yummy.  Should have taken a pic with my iPhone. 

I have been thinking of that.  I should really take more pics of what I eat.  It'll help me be more aware what I'm fueling my body with.  Besides, it won't be hard.  My iPhone takes great pics.

I am trying to still decide what I am going to do to keep myself out of the house later.  I am debating texting a friend.  Seeing if he wants to go to a movie or something tonight.  Just as friends.  Why not?  Just because he may read more into it than that, not biggie.  Who knows.  Maybe there can be more someday...

Besides.  I NEED to get out and get a life.  It won't hurt to ask, will it?
I am still overwhelmed with anxious energy right now.  I just had to keep writing. 

I updated my SP blog.  In it, I recommitted to finding a path to follow to help me stay focused over this next week.  It's going to be tough, but with a plan to focus on, I should be able to make it.

As I write this, I am texting my room mate.  Letting him know I realize he's hurting and I am sorry.  I am sorry I can't help him with that hurt.  Basically, I am being honest with him about what I'm feeling.  Don't think it'll help, but it is what it is. 

So, what am I going to do.

Today is Wednesday.  Do I even want to go for wings?  I'm not really sure.  Am I going to wait around for an invitation from Colin?  I would love to say no, but what do I do if he asks?  What do I say?  Do I go just to keep the peace?  Or do I make an excuse to not go?  I really don't even know anyone else to go to wings with.  And I don't want to go to the bar for wings alone.  Just not my thing.  Not that bar anyhow. 

Maybe I should think of something else for supper.  A nice home cooked supper would be nice tonight.  Especially since I'll be running for lunch today.  Yep.  I think that's the plan.  Cook a nice dinner at home.  Chicken breasts.  Veggies.  A potato or two.  Yep.  That sounds yummy.

Running W5D1HM today.  That'll help me sleep tonight. 

Tomorrow is Thursday.  Hmm.  Might run again at lunch.  Depends on how today goes.  How I feel tomorrow morning.  Listen to my body.  That's the key.  Wouldn't mind being able to go running tomorrow though.  It helps me work off this nervous energy I am building up right now. 

Thursday is Steak Night in town.  The steaks at the Beef are not very good.  We stopped going months ago.  I won't be going.  But I do need to have a plan for tomorrow night.  Otherwise I'll be sitting around waiting for Colin to come around again.  So NOT a good idea.  Maybe I should find someone to go for supper with tomorrow night.  I have been texting someone here lately.  I don't think there's any chemistry, but supper would be nice.  Or maybe I should just avoid that can of worms all together.

Marc has been asking me to come over and see the place.  He has offered me a room to rent.  Maybe that's not a good idea either tomorrow.  I don't really know. 

Friday I know.  I'm going to Noonan, ND.  My new hardhat will be in.  And it's prime rib night.  Yummy.  And I'll be going, Colin or no Colin. 

Saturday morning I have a race to run.

Maybe right after the race I should leave town.  Go to Regina for the weekend again.  Give Colin his space.  Who knows.  I really shouldn't spend the money on a road trip again.  My motorcycle needs new tires.  Should really put the $$ there and into savings for SF this October.

I know.  I need to clean up my resume and get it out to Enbridge.  I'll need to be dressed appropriately, so I can't deliver it today.  Why not tomorrow?  I can a fix and print it today.  Then deliver it tomorrow.  Then wait.  The worst that can happen? They don't call.  No biggie. 

Okay, its a new day and the room mate is on a rampage again...

I really don't get it.  Actually, there is a few things I don't get. 

I don't get why my room mate is like this.  He slept in his chair last night.  A bad sign.  Wouldn't even say good morning to me.  I guess that means we are on a rampage again.  He won't talk to me.  Or if he does, he'll try to make it my fault that he's like this.  So not interested in his crap anymore. 

The other thing I don't get, is why do I put up with it.  I really don't get that.  What is wrong with me to even entertain the idea that I deserve to be treated like this? 

And why the heck do I keep letting him upset me?  It's his issue after all.  Why does it keep landing on my shoulders?

There's no reason really.  I could just ignore what is going on around me.  I could just get on with my life right? 

I guess I'm starting to do that.  I am running again.  I don't care what he thinks about it.  In fact, I'm not letting him bring this down for me.  I have a race on Saturday, and I don't want him there.  Maybe this tantrum is perfect in it's timing.  He won't be there if he's not talking to me.  It's a good thing I think. 

I don't need his companionship to go out and enjoy wings tonight.  I can go alone if I wanted.  The thing is, I don't really want to go alone.  But realistically, I don't want to go with someone who will ignore me the entire time anyway. 

I need to figure this out.  I need to decide what I want out of life around here and go for it.  And no, being treated like an emotional punching bag for this person is not it. 

I think that's my answer.  I need  to focus on  what I want to do and just do it. Forget taking this idiots crap. Waiting for him to come around.  I need to do what I need.  And if that takes me out of his life completely, that might not be such a bad thing. 

Besides.  This path will force him to decide.  The problem is, I know how that will go. He'll blame me.  It'll all be my fault.  That his kids won't talk to him.  That everyone hates him. 

HELLO IDIOT!!!  Look at your actions and think again!

I guess I just need to accept the fact I lost someone I thought was a good friend.  But I guess it wasn't such a good friendship after all. 

I feel so lost right now.  I trusted the wrong people.  Now what do I do? 

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Stress is building around here tonight...

My room mate Colin is not talking to me again.  He get's like this.  He has anger issues.  Severe anger issues.  This has been going on since I met him. 

He went too far last time.  We were driving back from Calgary.  We were in Calgary for a dance competition weekend.  Just watched this time.  It was a stressful weekend for both of us.  Well, I kind of snapped at him at breakfast on Sunday, and he lost it.  He kept trying to tell me that no one at this competition knew how to dance.  I was trying to tell him just because he couldn't find the beat they were dancing to, it doesn't mean they were doing it wrong.  Well, he took this to mean I was telling him off or something and he was off. 

It wasn't long and we were on the road, driving back to Estevan.  I was crying.  It is harder than I thought to leave my kids again and come back here to work.  He refused to talk to me.  Not even a single word.  I told him I couldn't do this.  We could fight later.  Right now I needed a friend.  My heart was breaking. 

Didn't get through to him at all.  I was tempted to just turn my van around and go back to Calgary and tell him to f*#k off.  Get home however he wanted to, but not with me. 

Instead, I decided to just keep driving.  Besides, I have stuff here in Estevan I'd have had to come and get.  I decided then and there that that was it.  There was nothing he could do to fix this. 

I even sent him an email.  Telling him how much that hurt me, and that it was done. 

Well, a week later he came around.  Started talking to me again.  I didn't want to deal with his issues and crap, so I let it go.  But things haven't been the same between us.  They never will be.  It's now a month later, and he's upset.  Things are different.  He was expecting me to just get over it.  Well, forget it.  Not this time buddy.

Last weekend, he was starting in on his issues again.  Instead of just sitting here and waiting for him, I went to Regina to spend the weekend with a friend.  When I got back here, he was so much better.  For a moment or two, I saw my friend.  The one who was there for me.  The person I was missing. 

Then he was gone again. 

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised.  This is standard around here.  He's got a really close relationship with the neighbours wife.  Yes, you read it right.  He may not be sleeping with her, but she definitely wants that.  And the way he talks to her, I'm surprised it hasn't happened.  I told hiim I'm not getting in the middle of this kind of thing.  It's my reputation that is being screwed with.  I am not willing to do that. Not for people with such low moral values. 

He is still trying to get me to be friends with this "lady" and I use that word loosely in this instance.  Carol is not much above a hooker if you ask me.  Yes, I know it's judgemental.  But what would you call someone who spends all her time complaining about her husband, while she's chasing around the single guys in town.  Give me a break.  So NOT someone I want to be associated with.

Anyhow, I am running a 10K on Saturday.  I am looking forward to it.  Yesterday Colin was telling me he was coming with me for my race.  Honestly, I don't want him there.  Carol - the neighbours wife - has a commitment she is trying to get him to help her with.  I told him to go.  I will not get in the middle of this.  I will not make him choose.  Not my style.  He wants that crap in his life, he can have it.  But as of yesterday, he was coming with me. 

Well, I guess that's one good thing about his mood swings.  He wont be coming with me on Saturday!  Here's hoping.