Thursday, October 6, 2011

Sorry.  Gotta warn ya.  This is a long one.  It'll kind of show where I've been stuck for the past while. 

Well, after letting Terry know yesterday I was done with his crap, I didn't get another text.

Instead, Tammy and I went for supper. I decided to get a dress on and really get out feeling good about me.

Well, guess who showed up. Terry. He sat at another table. Sat facing me. Staring almost every chance he could. Even more so when I'd get up to walk past and couldn't see him. I guess he watched ever step I took when I got up to leave.

Tammy and I both figured that was great revenge. It was all good.

Well, a few hours later - about 11pm, Tammy called. She needed me to take her into the hospital. I jumped in the van and went. Well, when all was said and done, we ran into Terry and Harry again!

Stupid a$$. He asked what we wanted for drinks. We told him. Just soda - doesn't cost a thing. So he gets Tammy her's and nothing for me. Oh well. I get it.

Then I get home after all is said and done. Guess what. A text. Come out to the farm.

After all I told him. After Everything. After snubbing me at the bar, and I know it goes farther than just the drink. I think Harry set us up to shoot pool. He didn't want to play doubles with me, so he walked out.

What is wrong with him? I never did anything to deserve being treated like this. But he's decided he should treat me like garbage, but part of him obviously still wants me, or I wouldn't be getting these texts.

I can't deal with his baggage. I just want him out of my head. He's already out of my heart luckily. But he keeps crawling back into my head.


Okay, so I posted this, sparked some more, and decided I've gotta write my way out of this funk. I can't let him have that kind of control over me.

He keeps texting me like this because the ones he's chosen don't want him. He ends up spending him time alone. He obviously doesn't want that. But if I go down this path, I'll start to wonder why I was good enough this summer, but not now. Not a good way to go.

I guess I can be happy in the fact that Tammy was right. He really did take notice when I walked by. And it really caught his attention. No wonder I was feeling so uncomfortable.

Besides, I can't give this idiot that kind of power over me. I was feeling great yesterday. Until all of this. I need to find a way to get past it.

He is who he is, and he's not going to change. But he's not the right person for me. I get that. Completely get that. I'm serious when I say he's no longer in my heart. But these comments are getting into my head.

I've been debating. How do I respond?

Do I tell him to F**k off already? Tempting, but I'm not that person. I don't really have that in me. Do I??? He may have pushed me that far already.

Do I laugh it off - tell him he must really miss me. Two booty calls in one week. Maybe it's time for him to look at that. This is more my style, but he might read more into that. That I am interested in this kind of attention. That it's alright to treat me the way he did when we were out as a group, and then still do the booty call later. That is so NOT ok.

Or do I just ignore it completely? Deal with how it's making me feel, and just get him out of my head and ignore it all. Ignore the snubs. Ignore the booty call texts. Ignore it.

There is a huge part of me that thinks this last way is the way to go. I'm just so done. Really. I'm too tired to keep playing this game. Besides, there are so many more good men who are trying to get my attention lately.

Yes, I know. I have NO Interest in it at all right now. But there are at least 3 that are fighting for my attention at the moment. I'm being honest with them though. I'm not interested in anything more than friends. Period. Want to go for supper? fine. That would be nice. We each pay our own way and have a good conversation. Then we both go our own ways afterwards.

Mind you , there is a fourth way to deal with him. Kill 'em with kindness. Laugh it off, and just keep being me. Be happy. When I see him, be nice. Eventually his friends will all see that he's so full of crap when he tells them I'm nuts. Many of them already see it. So many of them I've met like me. I mean really like who I am as a person. That's why Terry was being attacked by all of them when started this whole mess.

I could really use some advice. What do I do? And how do I get back to my happy place?

I know the answer to that. More exercise will help. And so will some distress tolerance. The biggest way - to look at it all from a different perspective. It's hard, but I need to try.

He keeps staying in touch because deep down he knows he's made a mistake
He misses me
He wants me back, but he doesn't know how to fix this.
That's not my problem.
I don't want someone too immature to be able to fix relationship problems that THEY ALONE HAVE CAUSED!!!
I've done all I can to help guide him on how to fix this. There's nothing else I can do
Maybe just moving on will be the best revenge ever
I can't believe I am thinking revenge. He's changing me.... I don't like these changes
I can't let that happen.
I need to stay true to who I am.
If I weren't a good person, why would so many people say I am
Why would I have so many people wanting to be in my life
They are and they do BECAUSE of who I am PERIOD
Terry was a mistake.

No he wasn't.
I was with him to learn a lesson
You can't trust everyone.
Even if they do their best to earn your trust.
Sometimes people who seem good and you believe care for you will hurt you
they will hurt you just to save themselves some pain
they are the ones who are wrong
they are the ones missing out
I don't need to be hurt by this
It's their problem.
It is in NO WAY a reflection on me
if it was a reflection on me, it wouldn't happen at all EVER!!!

I am a wonderful person
I am beautiful
I am smart
I deserve to be happy
I can make other people smile, just by being myself.
I am enough
I deserve to find my passions in life, and live them
I will find someone who supports me on my journey, not tries to stop me
I am beautiful inside and out
I will not let ANYONE take that away from me.
I am strong
I am confidant
I deserve everything good that has come into my life
I have worked hard to get where I am in life
I'm not afraid to keep working hard if it will get me where I need to be
This whole mess with Terry has been a learning experience
I really do need to be thankful for it
I have learned a lot
I am growing from it
It might be painful at times, but life can be that way sometimes.
I am strong enough to handle it

I am a beautiful person
I deserve to be happy
I can enjoy life - just being alive is reason enough to be happy
I have a big adventure ahead of me
I am excited
I get to share this adventure with my kids too. Awesome

Running from my problems will not solve them - it will make them worse
I am strong enough to stay mindful, and deal with these issues
And when I need a break, I have wonderful friends who can help me

My over trusting nature is not a curse
It opens me up to people that otherwise I would have missed
Wonderful people - okay maybe not all of them, but many of them

Yes I wear my heart on my sleeve
It's not a curse
It's who I am
I'm not going to let hateful people force me to change who I am

Everything I've survived has made me who I am
I LIKE who I've become
I am a wonderful person

Just so y'all know, the aches I'm feeling are actually starting to go away. I think this is working

Look at that.
I know how to help myself when I need help.
I am very intuitive - not only for myself, but around others too
I am a wonderful friend to have
I am the kind of friend I would love to have
I am the kind of person I would love to have in my life

I am living the way I was meant to
I am NOT letting these people trapped by their own problems and addictions change who I am
Not now.

I do not need outside validation to know I am a good person
I just need to live by what I feel is right
I need to be okay with who I am.
No one else.
And I am

After I wrote this, a weight lifted off of me again.  I realized a few things.

I realized a few things.

Terry's an ass
He doesn't even deserve me
No wonder he's so confused. He can't deal with the fact he still wants me
It ain't gonna happen

Last night was actually a compliment from him to me.

I'm gonna be okay now.

And while kicking my own butt into action to run again today, I stumbled across these images that brought a smile to my face.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Wow, I've been gone a long time...

Life got in the way.  I was busy.  I actually was really really hurt by someone I thought cared about me fairly recently.  Hurt badly.  It sent me into a real funk for most of September.  I mean a bad one.  My body shut down.  I couldn't eat, or sleep.  So running was out of the question.

But that's changed now.  I had something to learn.  I learned that not everyone is a good person deep down.  Even if they say they care about you, sometimes they'll really hurt you to save face.  I'm not like that.  I don't ever want to be like that.  I have self respect.  And I don't trump myself up by cutting others down. 

It has taken me a long time to realize how lucky I am to have had this happen to me the way it did.  But I do now. 

And I've spend the last two days feeling like I'm floating on air.  I am feeling so free.  Happy.  Just overjoyed to be alive these days.  It's exciting.

 I think part of this being so overjoyed and hyper has to do with the trip coming up.  I am traveling with my kids to San Francisco soon to run the Nike Womens Marathon.  Yep.  I'm running the full distance.  Or going to try my best anyway.

I can't wait. 

This Saturday night, a group of us are going to a Chillowack Concert.  I am looking forward to that too. 

Tammy is really suffering from a deep depression right now.  Oh, I guess I should say who she is - she's new in my life. 

I met someone - Terry.  We were dating for a bit.  He really gained my trust fast.  But then I discovered who he really was.  And his addictions.  And how hateful a person he could be because of them.  Well, Tammy was a friend of his.  She's now a great friend of mine.  All of Terry's friends were mad at him about what happened with me, but that's another story I don't even want to get into.

But Tammy and I are great friends right now.  And she's struggling with depression.  I think I'm going to print off my mindfulness blogs for her to read.  And learn from.  Hopefully they will help her. 

Anyhow, in general, I'm happy right now.  I love this feeling.  I hope it lasts a long LONG time.