Wednesday, February 20, 2013

I really don't know if I've got any fight left in me anymore.

I've been trying for a month now. I've ended up sick and in pain for over half of it. The pain in my stomach has been almost unbearable.

But I've been fighting through it. I know what the cause of the pain is - at least a HUGE part of it anyway.

I got a phone call on Friday night. For those of you who don't know, Friday was my 40th birthday. It was tough enough - mainly because of everything that's been going on for the past 5 months. First I lost my brother. Then a very close friend of the family - like another grandmother. My cousins lost their child - he only survived for 10days and couldn't hold on. My grandfather died a week later.

Anyhow I've been trying to pull myself out of this rut of depression I've been falling into. Then I got that stupid phone call. It was my mother. I thought it was birthday wishes. Nope. Wrong again. My nephew passed away. On my birthday.

I just can't do this right now. I'm fried. I haven't been able to deal with my severe mood swings for the past few days. I find myself getting angry with Hubby because he can't seem to understand I need some time alone. It's not that I don't want to be with him. I need some time to grieve - to work through these losses. It's becoming a fight. I just can't hold it together anymore. I can't keep pretending everything's okay.

No wonder my stomach won't stop hurting.

Friday, February 15, 2013


It's feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders right now.

I know that attitude and how I approach things is a huge part of how I will feel about them.

I honeslty tried to have a positve outlook this morning. I really did. When my mood started to turn, I took some time, and decided I wouldn't let some silly attitude ruin my day.

Then the silly little straw that breaks the camels back came along. It doesn't really matter what it was. I lost it. Got angry. Very angry. Then cried.

I really should have taken a sick day off of work, but with all of this HR stuff supposed to be settled by the end of this week I didn't want to drag it out until after the long weekend.

I am in so much pain again today. I caved and took some painkillers. I am trying to curb the physical pain, so I can change my attitude.

I know what this is all about. It goes so much deeper than anything I've said on here before.

Deeper than loosing my brother - it's honeslty bordering on survivors guilt with that whole issue.

Deeper than just gaining some weight - I am beginning to see that I really don't love me anymore.

I need to believe this. I don't right now, but I need to.

I am sorry, but I had to get that out of my head. I don't know if it's the last I'll say on any of it. I guess it's not really likely. It's time I admit to myself what is really going on. I can't get through it if I don't face it. But not right now.

I need to turn my thoughts today. I don't want to let this spoil our weekend away. I won't let it.

As for the straw that broke the camel's back this morning? I need to look at it as an excuse to go shopping. What the heck. Who doesn't love that?

The physical pain is not really changing - the painkillers aren't even touching it. I didn't expect they would. I think it's tied a lot more closely to this mess going on in my mind than I want to admit. But I CAN'T let that stop me.

Time for me to discover just how strong I really am.

And just so you all know, stopping by with well wishes, reading my blog, commenting, they all let me know that although I feel completely alone in these struggles, I am not. There are others out there who care, and are doing what they can to help me fight back. Others out there cheering me on and encouraging me to keep going.

I don't say it enough, but thank you.