I really don't know if I've got any fight left in me anymore.
I've been trying for a month now. I've ended up sick and in pain for
over half of it. The pain in my stomach has been almost unbearable.
But I've been fighting through it. I know what the cause of the pain is - at least a HUGE part of it anyway.
I got a phone call on Friday night. For those of you who don't know,
Friday was my 40th birthday. It was tough enough - mainly because of
everything that's been going on for the past 5 months. First I lost my
brother. Then a very close friend of the family - like another
grandmother. My cousins lost their child - he only survived for 10days
and couldn't hold on. My grandfather died a week later.
Anyhow I've been trying to pull myself out of this rut of depression
I've been falling into. Then I got that stupid phone call. It was my
mother. I thought it was birthday wishes. Nope. Wrong again. My
nephew passed away. On my birthday.
I just can't do this right now. I'm fried. I haven't been able to deal
with my severe mood swings for the past few days. I find myself
getting angry with Hubby because he can't seem to understand I need some
time alone. It's not that I don't want to be with him. I need some
time to grieve - to work through these losses. It's becoming a fight. I
just can't hold it together anymore. I can't keep pretending
everything's okay.
No wonder my stomach won't stop hurting.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Friday, February 15, 2013
Today
It's feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders right now.
I know that attitude and how I approach things is a huge part of how I will feel about them.
I honeslty tried to have a positve outlook this morning. I really did. When my mood started to turn, I took some time, and decided I wouldn't let some silly attitude ruin my day.
Then the silly little straw that breaks the camels back came along. It doesn't really matter what it was. I lost it. Got angry. Very angry. Then cried.
I really should have taken a sick day off of work, but with all of this HR stuff supposed to be settled by the end of this week I didn't want to drag it out until after the long weekend.
I am in so much pain again today. I caved and took some painkillers. I am trying to curb the physical pain, so I can change my attitude.
I know what this is all about. It goes so much deeper than anything I've said on here before.
Deeper than loosing my brother - it's honeslty bordering on survivors guilt with that whole issue.
Deeper than just gaining some weight - I am beginning to see that I really don't love me anymore.
I need to believe this. I don't right now, but I need to.
I am sorry, but I had to get that out of my head. I don't know if it's the last I'll say on any of it. I guess it's not really likely. It's time I admit to myself what is really going on. I can't get through it if I don't face it. But not right now.
I need to turn my thoughts today. I don't want to let this spoil our weekend away. I won't let it.
As for the straw that broke the camel's back this morning? I need to look at it as an excuse to go shopping. What the heck. Who doesn't love that?
The physical pain is not really changing - the painkillers aren't even touching it. I didn't expect they would. I think it's tied a lot more closely to this mess going on in my mind than I want to admit. But I CAN'T let that stop me.
Time for me to discover just how strong I really am.
And just so you all know, stopping by with well wishes, reading my blog, commenting, they all let me know that although I feel completely alone in these struggles, I am not. There are others out there who care, and are doing what they can to help me fight back. Others out there cheering me on and encouraging me to keep going.
I don't say it enough, but thank you.
I know that attitude and how I approach things is a huge part of how I will feel about them.
I honeslty tried to have a positve outlook this morning. I really did. When my mood started to turn, I took some time, and decided I wouldn't let some silly attitude ruin my day.
Then the silly little straw that breaks the camels back came along. It doesn't really matter what it was. I lost it. Got angry. Very angry. Then cried.
I really should have taken a sick day off of work, but with all of this HR stuff supposed to be settled by the end of this week I didn't want to drag it out until after the long weekend.
I am in so much pain again today. I caved and took some painkillers. I am trying to curb the physical pain, so I can change my attitude.
I know what this is all about. It goes so much deeper than anything I've said on here before.
Deeper than loosing my brother - it's honeslty bordering on survivors guilt with that whole issue.
Deeper than just gaining some weight - I am beginning to see that I really don't love me anymore.
I need to believe this. I don't right now, but I need to.
I am sorry, but I had to get that out of my head. I don't know if it's the last I'll say on any of it. I guess it's not really likely. It's time I admit to myself what is really going on. I can't get through it if I don't face it. But not right now.
I need to turn my thoughts today. I don't want to let this spoil our weekend away. I won't let it.
As for the straw that broke the camel's back this morning? I need to look at it as an excuse to go shopping. What the heck. Who doesn't love that?
The physical pain is not really changing - the painkillers aren't even touching it. I didn't expect they would. I think it's tied a lot more closely to this mess going on in my mind than I want to admit. But I CAN'T let that stop me.
Time for me to discover just how strong I really am.
And just so you all know, stopping by with well wishes, reading my blog, commenting, they all let me know that although I feel completely alone in these struggles, I am not. There are others out there who care, and are doing what they can to help me fight back. Others out there cheering me on and encouraging me to keep going.
I don't say it enough, but thank you.
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