Sunday, June 19, 2011

Pro's n Con's

Thanks for the idea Lori. I was kind of doing this all day anyhow, but I agree. I should put it down in black n white.

PRO'S - reasons to stay here
- I like my job
- I have a job
- I pay almost no rent
- When push comes to shove, Colin won't let me go without the basic necessities if I need them
- I can learn to love this place... maybe.
- There are some good people here
- I don't miss the fighting back in Calgary. I don't know if I could do it again.
- I'm broke and don't have work at home.

CONS - reasons to leave
- There is certain people at work that can't stand
- There is a possibility that I won't be working there for much more than an additional year anyhow.
- I don't know how much more my mental health can take living with this narcisistic pig!
- I don't know if I can afford to go it alone here. Rents are too high, and I have nothing of my own here.
- I am so home sick.
- I haven't met very many good people, and definitely none I've connected with yet. I can't keep going in this isolation "tank"
- I miss my kids
- No more Narcisistic pig sabotaging my efforts for the marathon
- More time to train for my marathon (no work n all...)

I just got off the phone with my ex. Told him how close I was to leaving today. Told him I'm not sure I'm over it yet.

I did tell him I would try to visit soon. I need a break from here.

So what wins out? I still have no idea. I can tell you this though. It will destroy my self esteem again. I will grovel and crawl and do anything to get him to stop hating me again, just so there's peace around the house. Then try to pick up the shattered pieces, and try to keep training.

I can tell you right now, this is NOT the way to train for a marathon...

Maybe I should hold out a little longer. See if things get better. Also save some money up for when I finally do leave here.

Colin's texting me again. Not sure why. I think it's all part of his control. He NEEDS to know how much I'm hurting by his treating me this way.

Maybe I just need more distress tolerance skills. Find a way to not let this completely destroy my self esteem.

Maybe going for an early morning run will help too. I'm not so sure. I don't really like really early am running. But I'd better get used to it. The marathon starts at 6am. Good thing it's on the west coast. It won't feel so early to me...

I can't wait. For San Francisco this October. Maybe I can use that as a carrot. I need spending money, and money to pay for the hotel room there. Keep working!!!

Any other suggestions?

If I stay away from Colin, he get's madder because I'm ignoring him.
If I text/call him, he gets mad because I'm being too...
If I'm not home, he gets mad, again I'm avoiding him.
If I am, he stays away...

I just can't seem to win.

Maybe I can find things to do on my own here in the house. Keep my mind occupied, and not let me dwel on this crap.

I know running helps, but when it gets really bad, I'm scared to go. Mind you, on Saturday morning, he was okay with it, even though I was actually kind of ignoring him when I went. Don't think he caught on to that though.

Today :(

I don't think I can do this anymore. My room mate is off again. I can't stand it.

And in his maturity, he has sent me on a wild goose chase again. Invites me for breakfast/coffee, and doesn't bother to show up. This is the second time he's done this to me. I'm finished.

I am thinking of packing up my van today and leaving town. Quit my job. All of it. Just go. Don't look back.

Just got a text from him. He thinks this is funny. I can't do this anymore. I have access to $300 right now. All I need is a trailer and I'd be gone. I could call my mom for one...

No wait a minute. He's not working today. Not a good day to do this. I've gotta wait until he's working. Then go. That way I'm assured no interuptions from him. Maybe tomorrow.

I'm going to miss my job though. Asside from certain people, I really like it.

I just don't know what to do anymore...

It's got me so upset I've eaten ice cream for breakfast again. I just can't deal with this anymore. Time to see if I can block him from my cell phone...

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Tried out the new fishing gear last night

Guess I should start with the road trip to get there.  Road was not just nearly flooded.  It was underwater.  A little further down, there was a good foot or more of water.  The only way we knew we were still on the road - they had staked the sides of the road.  So wasn't my favorite drive.

Anyhow, we got there.  Got set up with my new fishing rod.

Poor thing didn't catch a single fish yesterday.  I wonder if Colin was just not casting it into the pocket where the fish were...  Anyhow.  It was a fun night.  And I did catch some fish.  They were on Colin's rod, but here was the first catch of the night.

Yep.  That's two fish on one line.  It had a small walleye to the right on one part of the pickrel rig, and a jackfish on the other.  We put the walleye back.  Gave the jackfish away.  It was the only fish we brought back.  Caught about 3 or 4 more little ones.  Nothing worth keeping.

Oh, and I finally grabbed one.  I wore my glove, but I grabbed a fish, and took the hook out, and put it back.  Actually, I did 3 fish.  Yeah me!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

OMG! Another light bulb moment...

I think I just figured out what my block is. With moving out on Colin.

Okay, at one point I really did care about him. Don't know why or how, but I did. I considered him a good friend. Maybe because he came to my rescue when I didn't know what I was going to do...

But now I get why I can't leave.

I have strong beliefs. One of them is I can do no harm to anyone. I need to do everything in my power to leave them better off than when I met them. I'm not talking money, etc. I mean I can't emotionally or physically hurt anyone. I need to believe I did absolutely everything in my power to not hurt them. Or I won't be able to live with the guilt. I've had too many people use me. I won't become a user. Not in any way, shape, or form. PERIOD.

So, although 80% of me is excited about the possible option of a place to move to, that 20% is still scared to do it. Will I be able to live with myself? I guess I don't believe I've done everything I can to not hurt Colin.

The problem is, I don't want to have to hit rock bottom before I try to save myself again. Sad part is, if I do hit rock bottom, then I know I did everything in my power before giving up.

Unfortunately, that's the only way I can see to get out. If I give up before bottom, did I really do everything I could?

My head KNOWS there is no way to help Colin. He's sick. He won't seek treatment. I'm not a doctor.

But my heart is trying to convince me he is still a human being. Somewhere inside there is a good man. Have I done all I can to reach that good man again?

Wow. I'm just so lost right now...

Thursday, June 9, 2011

OMG! I finally get it!

I finally get it. I get why I am always hurting so much around Colin. And why it seems he has no empathy what so ever.

And I finally get how I ended up here.

Why did it take me so long to see it? Anyhow, that isn't what matters anymore. What matters is I get it, and no matter how much I want it to change, it wont. All I can do is get out. Run Run far. Run fast.

John, and the time I was living with him in 2010 was setting me up for what Colin had in store for me.

Narcissistic personality disorder.

Can't even really say John had it exactly. He was just very self centered. And when push came to shove, everything had to revolve around him in some way. But he was a little aware that that is not healthy. He would at least try to some extent. That's why I didn't see it.

But Colin doesn't even try. Not one iota. He did in the beginning. I think he thought he could trick me into falling for him at one point. And I guess I kind of did. I honestly thought he was a good person, deep down inside. I honestly believed he was given a raw deal in life, and deserved better.

But now I'm seeing the whole picture.

* In public, a person with narcissistic personality disorder may pretend to be the perfect wife or husband, acting charming and polite ...

• You may have no idea of the lies they are telling you or the lies they may be telling about you behind your back.

• They will lie and paint themselves as an innocent victim to try and gain sympathy and justify their own bad behavior (while fooling themselves that their lies are the truth).

• They may be very charming and even humble in public, fooling people so they won’t believe how verbally abusive they are in private or the cruel things they say behind people’s backs.

• They will lie and manipulate people for attention, perhaps acting a bit too good to be true.

• They will act as if they should never be questioned and that they deserve things they haven’t worked for or earned, while trading on other people’s honesty and hard work.

• Their criticism and lack of concern for your well-being may cause you to feel rejected, hurt, humiliated, powerless, ashamed and angry, while also leading to possible psychological and psychosomatic health problems and addictions within your family.

• They will act superior and like they are more popular than you - while being cold, arrogant, withdrawn and unavailable.

• They will show little or no regard for your well-being and feelings.

• In private however they will be sarcastic, haughty and insulting and put people down (including friends) behind their backs.

Why couldn't I see this sooner? I knew something was wrong. Something was very wrong. Why was I more concerned about hurting him than taking care of me?

Well, at least now I know I can't possibly hurt him. Or rather, no matter what happens, he will read into it whatever he wants.

I can see it already. He kicks me out, or worse shoots me. In his head, it was my fault. Because I was so scared of him he had to do it to protect himself from the horrible person that is me.

God. I feel like such an idiot. But at least it's over. Thank god. Now to get out and save myself. At least I now have enough tools to protect my heart.

Personal stuff I've finally figured out today.

This hurts to write. Heck, it even hurts to think about it. But I think it's time.

This morning while I was wondering for the upteenth time why Colin was doing these things, it came to me. I have known for a while he believes the world revolves around him, but I don't know why this never hit me before.

I don't register for him. Not as a friend. Not even as an independant human being. Not one bit. The part that hurts most is the not as a friend part. Here I've considered him a friend for quite a while now. But I'm not even that to him.

Wow. That hurts. More than I can even say here. I'm sitting here at my desk at work, ready to cry it hurts so much. I guess I really did care about him more than I realized. But this really REALLY aches. Deep down pain.

How can someone pretend to be my friend like that? How can they pretend to give a d*mn like that and not really care? I mean, if he cared even one little bit, he wouldn't be able to treat me like this right? He'd have at least a little compassion for the pain I'm in out here. Being away from my kids, friends, my life.

It doesn't take much to be my friend. Just care. I guess I'm not even worth that.

Monday, June 6, 2011

What is wrong with me?

I spent all that time earlier blogging out my frustration with my room mate.  I even wrote a blog kicking myself in the butt to get out there and run today.  Then what do I do?  I send Colin a text message to see if he wants to join me for supper.  He makes me feel completely worthless all over again.  I am right back down where I was when I started this whole day.  Even worse, because I wasn't sure if he was upset today or not. 

Why do I do this to myself?  Why can't I just walk away from him?  Let him deal with his own baggage?  I mean, I have plenty of my own to deal with anyhow. 

Maybe this is his plan to sabotage me.  He hates to see me enjoying things I love.  Look at dance.  And look at what he's trying to do with motorcycle riding.  He's trying to completely destroy everything I love, so that all I will do is sit in the house and wait for him.  Hour after hour.  Day after day. 

I can't do this anymore. 

So why do I keep reaching out to him?  I know how it's going to end.  Badly.  For me.  EVERY TIME. 

The definition of insanity - repeatedly doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome.  I must be going insane.  I can feel it too.  It hurts.  My head is just aching. 

You wouldn't let anyone else treat you this way.  If he had done this the first week you were here, you would have walked away.  Never looked back. That's what he deserves.  For me to just walk out of his life.  Never look back.  Not even as a friend.  So many others have done that to him.  No wonder he feels so alone.

But he brings it on himself. 

So why am I feeling so responsible? Why do I feel that it's my job to fix that for him?  Since when have I become responsible for a mentally ill old man who doesn't care about himself, so isn't capable of caring one iota about anybody else? 

I haven't.  That's the reality.  It's NOT my job.  It's NOT my issue.  IT'S NOT MY BAGGAGE.  PERIOD!

I'm going home in half an hour.  I'm going to put on my running shoes.  I'm going to get out of the house.  I don't care where it takes me.  I don't care how.  Okay, on my two feet, running the whole time.  But I'm just going to go. 

Does it matter if I run 70min or 100min?  No.  All that matters is I run today.  I run to clear my head.  I run to stop my heart from hurting.  I run to regain some strength.  I run to regain some self respect.  Some self confidence. 

I run to try to meet my goals, that I desperately don't want him to take from me.  I don't want to give him that power. 

Being Knocked off my Rails again....

My room mate has started again.  Not sure if I said so in one of my past blogs - probably did.  He was being nice.  It had me worried for how long he'd be nice, and when this would come back.  Well, I'm just about done wondering.  He's back!!!

He's so full of hate.  It is overwhelming him.  It's overwhelming me.  It's taking away my desire to do ANYTHING!

It's too much for me to carry. 

He makes me feel like it's my fault he's like this.  Like I did something wrong.  What did I do?  I was alive.  I am breathing.  That alone is enough to set him off.

Sometimes I think he expects me to be the happy outgoing person I was when we met.  Expects me to make him happy.  To bring him along to everything I want to do. 

Okay, I will admit I tried once.  I tried to introduce him to something I loved.  Dancing.

I get it.  A person has to learn to dance.  I was trying to teach him.  Instead of taking the time to learn, he would get mad at me.  If he didn't get it, I wasn't teaching it right.  I finally quit.

I also took him to a dance competition in April.  Well, he made that absolute HELL for me.  Never again!!!

I've finally given up. 

In his world, he is the center of the Universe.

<Insert Colin's picture in the middle>

If EVERYTHING doesn't go his way, he throws a fit.  And it can last for days.  Send him a text message to let him know your thinking of him?  He gets mad - you're bugging him.  Don't?  He gets pissy because you are ignoring him. 

Seriously.  That's him.  In a nutshell.  I can't take it anymore. 

Living in his house is costing me my health, and my goals and desires.  I need to go.  I just don't know where to go.  There are not a lot of places to live around here.  And the few places there are are way too expensive. 

I have had a few friends offer me places to stay, but there always seems to be strings attached.  I'm not interested in that either.  I just don't know what to do.  I'm on the verge of just packing up and moving back to Calgary.  Forget my job.  Forget it all.  Just go.

It might be what I need to do at this point.  To preserve my own mental health and sanity...

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

I believe...

A Birth Certificate shows that we were born 
A Death Certificate shows that we died 
Pictures show that we live! 
Have a seat.  Relax . . .
And read this slowly.
I Believe... 
That just because two people argue,
It doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue,
It doesn't mean they do love each other.
I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if
We understand that friends change.
I Believe...
That no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you
every once in a while,
and you must forgive them for that.
I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.
I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant
That will give you heartache for life.
I Believe...
That it's taking me a long time
To become the person I want to be.
I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with Loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.
I Believe...
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I Believe...
That we are responsible for what
We do, no matter how we feel.
I Believe...
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I Believe...
That heroes are the people
who do what has to be done,
when it needs to be done,
regardless of the consequences.
I Believe...
That my best friend and I
can do anything or nothing
and have the best time
I Believe...
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up