I am trying to not slip back into the funk that is trying to grab me. I am trying to not convince myself that things would be better if I just patched stuff up with Colin. I'm trying to hold the belief I deserve better...
A thought just keeps jumping into my mind. It has saved me a few times this week. Actually, this month.
In April, we drove to Calgary for a dance competition. Needless to say, he tried but couldn't keep himself from finding fault with everything again. I had enough by Sunday morning, and got frustrated with him. Said one wrong thing. That was it. He was off again.
As if it wasn't bad enough. Here I was having to pack up and leave my kids and dog behind once again. I couldn't stop crying. I begged him on the trip to please talk to me. Say something. My heart was breaking. I needed help to be able to leave my kids again.
Nothing. That cold hearted a$$ just sat there. Finally pretended to be asleep. Refused to help drive, get fuel. Heck, when we'd stop I would ask if he needed anything. Coffee, snack. Anything. He refused to answer me. Not even one word. It took all I had to keep that van pointed back to Saskatchewan. I was so tempted to go back to Calgary and tell him to screw himself. Find his own way home. Be done once and for all.
But I was the bigger person. I drove us back to Estevan. He went off for a whole week before he came around. When he did, I told him things were different. He figured I'd just get over it all. WRONG. There was nothing for me to get over.
I now knew who he was. He wasn't the good man I honestly believed was buried deep in there. He really is a hateful, spiteful person who honestly is getting what he deserves. He is a walking example of Karma.
So why do I keep feeling it's my fault? That he is a good man? That maybe if I did things differently, things would be better?
What is honestly wrong with me? Seriously. I need some answers. Any answers. Suggestions even. I can't solve this one on my own. I'm lost.