Saturday, May 21, 2011

Saturday May 21

I've been at a loss for words for the past two days.  Imagine that.  lol.  Actually, not so funny.

Something is wrong.  I just can't  seem to figure it out.

I was in Regina on Friday.  The plan was to stay for the weekend.  I ended up falling asleep in the afternoon.  Just a short nap.  Then I woke up.  In full blown panic.  Grabbed all my stuff, packed it in my van, and left.  I met with the friend I was staying with for supper.  Took him out.  Then had to tell him I was leaving.  Boy was he pissed.

I just don't know why I had to leave.  I just had to.  Funny thing.  I was supposed to go to a BBQ at a friends place in Regina tonight.  I don't even regret coming back here and not going.  Usually I would, but not this time.

And here I sit in my pj's.  Never did get dressed today.

Oh.  It's now 6:09pm.  I forget if the earthquake that was to end the world was to happen at 6 or 6:30.  Guess it wasn't 6.  Just a random thought thrown in there.

So I'm sitting here alone.  in my pj's.

I went out earlier to get some stuff.  I ended up bringing back a small ice cream (500ml), a bag of low salt chips, and some chip dip.  I know better.  I was trying to find snack stuff that was better.  I also picked up some chicken breasts, prego, and mushrooms.  So I can cook some good food as well this weekend.  But I finally decided to get some of the snack things I'm missing.  I can't do 100% deprivation.  It only leads to binging.

On the way home, I got some McD's coffee and some fries.  Ate the fries.

I really have to focus.  Something is causing a block.  Why can't I figure out why I had to leave?

I have my manicure stuff with me.  I should fix my nails tonight.

Awe.  Who knows.  I know I had trouble breathing earlier that day.  I tried to go running.  Ran though the park.  It's beyond frustrating.  I couldn't breath.  I finally gave up on my run by 40min.  I guess running for 40min wasn't so bad, but it was a 70min run.  Now I've gotta try again soon.  And it's raining out today.  And tomorrow.

Just seems I can't catch a break.

I know.  I'm wallowing.  Just not really sure why I'm wallowing.  Thursday was a good night.  Friday was a failry good day, until I panicked.  So what triggered it?

I actually think I might finally have a bit of an idea.  Maybe Chris is thinking there's more to me staying than just a friend.  I can't deal with that.  I invited him to come with me on Thursday night.  He didn't.  Said he couldn't, but it's just because he doesn't do change all that well.  The thought of getting involved with someone like that again....  I just can't do it.

That and the fact maybe I'm feeling a little guilty about missing work for 2 days.

Okay.  It triggered my fight or flight.  No reason to fight, so time to run.

Oh man.  Now how do I explain this to him?  Guess I have to accept that it'll be his decision if he's okay just being friends.

Guess it's time for me to find a way.  I owe him that much...

1 comment:

  1. I guess i kinda know what you're talking about. I should really focus and get a grip too, but everything seems so unclear to me... :/