Sunday, June 10, 2012

Today is much better.  I finally figured out why my thoughts have been so erratic and scattered.  I am going through sugar withdraw.  It's pretty bad right now.  It explains a lot - why I'm anxious, unsettled, why my fight or flight is so often triggered and I'm running from it. 

I did text Terry yesterday.  Just said hi.  Asked him if he knew where to get buffalo meat around here.  Lee and I can't seem to find any.

That's about it.  This morning, I realized this is not a path I want to really go down again.  If I hear back from him, ok.  If not, ok.  I don't really care either way.  Getting a hold of him was not to reconnect in any big way.  I guess we have kind of started to reconnect over the past week as it is.  It's just ...

I don't really know what it is.  I don't want a relationship with him again.  I am happy with Lee.  Lee treats me very very well.  Why would I want to go back to someone who treated me so badly?  Nope, I definitely don't. 

I think it's all coming down to my wanting to help people again.  Yeah, I think I've gotta get over that.  I don't need to keep attracting "wounded animals" into my life.  I deserve so much better.  I deserve real friends, who'll be there for me when I need someone.  Who'll be there to help me celebrate the happy times.  To be a shoulder to cry on in the tough times.

So I'm thinking it's done.  I won't be in touch with Tammy or Terry again.  If I hear back from them, I'll respond.  But I won't go seeking them out anymore. 

I don't know what is wrong with me - I seem to keep seeking out these high risk situations.  Thing is, I don't really like it most of the time.

Oh well.  At least once in a while I can see what I'm doing, and realize I don't want it. 

Sometime this week, I'll have to start the job search again.  That's a whole other story.  I'll get into it later.

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