Saturday, June 9, 2012

My thoughts are still such a mess.  Last night Tammy invited Lee and I out to meet her at the bar for Karaoke.  I told Lee, and he was up for it at first.  Then he decided no.  Well, when I told him I still was going, he got mad.  We are really struggling right now.  I don't even know why.  I know he loves me.  I know he wants me in his life.

But right now, I just need to get out of the house.  Get out and do something.  I'm not always like this.  Often I love to just stay home and watch tv for the evening.  In fact, we've been doing that for months and months.  I think that's part of why I want to get out and do something so badly.

I just need to find a way to tell Lee this will pass.  I'll want to stay home again soon.  But right now I want to get out.  Socialize.  And no that doesn't mean flirt or date or any of that crap.  I love Lee.  I'm faithful.  I just need to have interests and a life outside of us.

I'm feeling crowded.  Not just in the way I've said above.  I have no room in this house for my stuff.  None.  Everything I own is stacked into one room.  So tightly stacked I have trouble finding my things.  My daughter is moving down here soon too.  She'll be moving into that room.

So what do I do now?  I mentioned this to Lee.  He's fine with it, and figures we'll find room.  I'm stressed about it all.  There is NO room.  Period.

While I'm in here working through all of this, I might as well be 100% honest.  Terry is still on my mind.  I'm wondering if part of my fowl mood last night isn't partly due to the fact he never even bothered to send me a text.  How messed up is that???  I really don't need or want this crap in my life again.  He is not even attractive - not at all.  I think my wires are still crossed though.  However he won me over before, it still seems to have some hold on me.  But I need to break it.  The hell he put me through last fall.

The worst part is, the more aloof I am about him and all of this, the more he is chasing.

Maybe it would be best for everyone if I just laid low for the next while.  No more seeking this stuff out.  But even as I am typing this, I know I'll be on my phone texting Tammy to see if she wants to get together.  Wow, I'm really screwed up in the head these days again.

Just to be clear - I am not attracted to Terry.  I don't want him back in my life.  Even if I weren't with Lee, I wouldn't want Terry.  Maybe I need to adopt a part of that theory that Jon has - you get one shot with me.  Once it's over, it's over.  Never look back.

Besides, if for some stupid reason I did look back, what do I have to look back to?  Being ignored.  Crying alot.  Being alone all the time.  Being treated like garbage.  Having my significant other telling everyone how "crazy" I am - mainly due to his drug issues.  So not what I want or need in my life.

But Terry said something the other day that hit me.  He hinted that if I told him to not do this anymore, he'd quit.  He kept saying he was going to be kicking his own butt the next day.

Maybe that's my problem.  Wanting to help others.  That is so unhealthy in this situation though...

No comments:

Post a Comment