Monday, July 9, 2012

Last night was the final straw.  I can't take this anymore. 

Yesterday, I was focusing on eating 6x/day to try and break this plateau I've been stuck on for weeks.  I did it on Saturday too, and overall I was starting to feel a little better, so I was going to keep it up to see if I'd get the results I wanted.

Well, when I was putting my lunch together, Lee made a comment along the lines of he couldn't believe I was eating again.  It floored me.  I ate breakfast at about 8am.  One nectarine a little later.  And now I was getting a grilled chicken breast and some asparagus for lunch at noon.  It's not like I was pigging out every 2-3 hours.  I was eating sensible meals and snacks. 

This time instead of ignoring him and letting it slide, I just said wow.  Looked right at him in disbelief, then turned my back, rolled my eyes and said wow. 

His response?  "Don't take it like that honey"  DON'T TAKE IT LIKE THAT??? Just how am I supposed to take it?  I mean really!!! 

So I continued to get my lunch, walked outside onto the front deck and ate it.  As soon as I was done, I got up and left.  No telling him where I was going, no nothing.  Just left. 

A couple hours later I came back.  I had some almond milk to put in the fridge, so I came back.  I made some flavored popcorn for my afternoon snack.  I am trying to flavor my own popcorn, so there are no additives I can't have in it.  I made Lee a bowl too.  It didn't turn out as well as I'd hoped, but it's a learning process.  Funny how he didn't have any comment about this snack....

Yes, I've got a chip on my shoulder.  And it's getting bigger.

Later in the evening, I had to run out to rescue a friend who was stranded.  Their motorcycle quit and they were 40K out of town.  So I went.  When I got back, Lee was up.  He looked tired, but he was still up.  So we sat and watched tv.  15minutes later he got up and went to bed, so I just put my feet up to watch the next show.

5 minutes later he comes down and asks me what's wrong.  I told him nothing.  I was just unwinding from the rescue and would watch this show and come to bed. That was all.  Well, he got pissy.  Started talking about needing to turn off lights, and the light from the tv was too bright.  Who was he kidding.  I know how it works.  He can't see the light from the tv up in bed.  Heck, he can barely hear it when I watch downstairs and the fans are on. 

I lost it.  I turned his precious tv off, and walked out.  I walked to 7-eleven for a tea.  I walked to get rid of my anger.  I walked to try and figure this all out. 

I can't keep ignoring his controlling ways.  They are getting worse and worse.  I don't want to be here anymore because of them.  I decided last night that today I need to find work.  If I don't get the job offer I'm waiting on, I'm going to just go out and find anything.  Absolutely anything.  And I'm going to start to look for places to live.  I've had enough of this crap. 

He doesn't want me in his life.  He wants a clone of Christine in his life.  I never agreed to that.  I get that having my daughter move in has added stress, but she's completely independent.  She's working two jobs.  What's the problem there?  I get that Lee's going to be laid off soon.  Again, he knows there is going to be work again soon for him.  I don't get the issue.  He wants the time to renovate the bathroom, so again, what's the problem there?  I won't be out of work forever.  I told him if push comes to shove, I'll take anything.  Well, in my mind, it has.  I need to take anything and stop relying on him for anything.  It's time to go. 

Such a shame.  I really do love the guy.  I just can't take his controlling ways. 

Last night I was downright scared.  I moved all sorts of my stuff here from Calgary.  I can't just pack up my van and go.  That and my daughter is here now.  If she weren't here, I wouldn't have come back last night.  I'm feeling a little trapped right now.  I need to find a way out, and fast. 

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