Monday, July 9, 2012

I'm sitting out on the front deck. In the hammock chair. Enjoying the company if the dogs. So many bushes & trees around no one can see me here. It's heaven. Too bad it won't last.

I've already started to look for another place to live. I'm still holding out hope that I'll get a job offer today on that interview from last Thursday, but seeing as its almost 2:30pm, I'm kinda doubting it. :"(

I've applied for a couple other positions today. Here's hoping I get a call back soon. I can't take this anymore.

It's so beautiful out here today, so I'm trying to not let this get me down. Sure is hard though.

I keep finding myself playing sudoku out here. I've realized it for about 20minutes now. I turned it off and did a check in. No wonder. I don't want to be present in this moment. It hurts. I really am sad and worried about everything right now.

So I spent 10 minutes just being mindful. As much as I hate to hurt, I need to do that more often. If I don't, depression will win again, and I refuse to let that happen.

Trucks going by. Birds chirping. Smell the wet, heavy air. Feel the warmth of this nice hot day. And feel the heavy heart in my chest :"(

Feel my thoughts begin to race. I just want to escape, any way I can. I really don't like being in this place. It's not a comfortable place to be. So much anxiety. So much wanting to escape it. So not nice.

But sometimes I have to check in & see how I'm doing. I need to listen before my body screams at me. So I'm trying my best.

I think I'll go fishing tonight. Right after I drop my daughter off at work (5pm). It'll get me out of town. Away from lee and his controlling ways. Just out with nature.

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