Wednesday, July 4, 2012

I haven't slept well in about a week.  It's mainly due to this heat, but it's getting better, and I'm managing.

Sometime last night, on one of my many wake ups, I realized I haven't heard from Terry in over a week now.  It's almost two weeks for Tammy.  Last time we went this long without hearing from each other, I was the one who had to break the silence.

I don't think I will this time.

Despite the fact that I am making the decision to not contact them, it still hurts.  I'm not really sure why it hurts either.  They were both using me.  I don't need that in my life.

But for some reason, I'd get around Terry and things would be different.  I'd always catch him staring at me.  Everyone said he was not over me.  I could feel it too.  And I guess I was not completely over him either.  There obviously was something there deep down between us.

Lately though it's like he wants to have his own life and do his own thing, and I am supposed to just sit on the sidelines.  Be happy when he throws me a scrap of attention.  I'm not that person.  If I matter to you, you should want me in your life.

I don't understand why I am still kind of hung up on all of this.  I know Lee loves me.  I love him.  He's made room for me in his life.  Heck, he's even welcomed my daughter.  He's taking care of both of us while I'm off work.  His actions match his words.  He makes me feel like the most important person in his world.

So why am I hurt by this Tammy/Terry thing?  I guess in reality, a friendship with Tammy was keeping me tied to Terry.  I even see how their friendship is cyclic.  They fight.  They end up hating each other.  Then eventually they are all buddy buddy again.  It's really kind of sad.  A true friendship is not like that.

Maybe that's what is hurting me so much.  I thought they were friends, but in reality, I guess they were not.

This is one of those times in my life again where I have a choice.  I can either harden my heart.  Lock people out.  In theory, it'll keep me from this kind of hurt again.  But the reality is that it won't help.  Instead, it'll only keep this hurt festering for so much longer.

I can't let this change who I am.  I will open myself up to someone again, and someday find a real friend here in town.  I'm not saying that to suggest Lee is not a friend.  That's not it.  But I need a friend outside of this relationship.  I can't make Lee my entire life.

I just don't know what to do.  But I do know one thing.  I CAN'T contact Tammy or Terry again.  It's so not healthy.

So why do I still look for Terry's truck every time I drive past the theatre right now?  Why do they both keep popping into my thoughts?

I am blogging today's kick in the butt to get my butt out for my daily run, and something has popped into my mind.  I have an emotional block to loosing weight.  It's likely got something to do with all of this.  I know I have to forgive them, but...

Why do I want to text them both.  Just a regular Happy Wednesday kind of thing.  The kind of text I'd send to my friends in general.  Not so much to get in touch with them again, but more for me.

I don't know why, but I felt that flutter in my chest at the thought of doing that.  A bit of excitement.  But I know it will only hurt later. Hurt if they don't answer.  Hurt in the long run if they do.

What is wrong with me?

I went for my run this morning.  I just couldn't get into it.  I'm not sure why.  On the walk home, it just felt like I have too much weight in my head.  Too much going on in there to be able to clear it for a good run. 

I wish I could just clear this out of my head.  I'm doing my best to not text either one of them.  I understand that wanting to text them is not wrong.  And wanting to put this all behind me is not wrong either.  

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