Wednesday, July 6, 2011

I am feeling kind of low today.

Low or lonely? Not really sure which. Okay, I'm leaning towards lonely.

I want someone who wants to just hold me for awhile. Just let me feel safe and secure. Feel like I can let go of all this "stuff" I've been carrying for so long. Just let it all go for a while. Cry if I need to. Just release everything and let it all go.

But I don't feel I can do that. It will leave me too vulnerable right now. And I can't afford that. There is too much negativity surrounding me here. I need to keep a thick skin. And unfortunately that thick skin not only keeps stuff out, it also keeps stuff in.

I feel like I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders, and a dark cloud over head.

I feel like I've been fighting an uphill battle for far too long. It's starting to wear on me.

"Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence"
I know this quote. It's on my wall.

I've been persistently fighting back. Keeping the negativity at bay as best I can. Fighting to keep my strength up. Just fighting.

But the negativity and pain and suffering has also been persistent. I feel myself weakening.

I've been in actual physical pain for two days now. Today is not as bad as yesterday. I do have to admit, I get really down as I recover from this kind of pain. I feel so weak.

I wasn't able to run. I get strength from my successful workouts. I know that. I am missing them too right now.

It feels not only like my heart is out there for anyone and everyone to trample. It feels like my entire body of skin has been turned inside out. It's harder to NOT hurt me like this. I end up hurting even from stuff that most people wouldn't think hurts.

Guess I'm kind of moping today. I'm going to fight back later. Find a way to. Kick my own butt into working out. But as you can see, it's going to be a long, uphill battle the entire way...

I really wish I had someone here to support me. To give me the strength to move forward when I feel like this. To provide me the security to just let it all go for a while, knowing they would carry me for a bit. Provide me with the strength and protection I needed while I rebuild myself...

No offense to all my sparkfriends, but it's not the same....

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