Tuesday, June 14, 2011

OMG! Another light bulb moment...

I think I just figured out what my block is. With moving out on Colin.

Okay, at one point I really did care about him. Don't know why or how, but I did. I considered him a good friend. Maybe because he came to my rescue when I didn't know what I was going to do...

But now I get why I can't leave.

I have strong beliefs. One of them is I can do no harm to anyone. I need to do everything in my power to leave them better off than when I met them. I'm not talking money, etc. I mean I can't emotionally or physically hurt anyone. I need to believe I did absolutely everything in my power to not hurt them. Or I won't be able to live with the guilt. I've had too many people use me. I won't become a user. Not in any way, shape, or form. PERIOD.

So, although 80% of me is excited about the possible option of a place to move to, that 20% is still scared to do it. Will I be able to live with myself? I guess I don't believe I've done everything I can to not hurt Colin.

The problem is, I don't want to have to hit rock bottom before I try to save myself again. Sad part is, if I do hit rock bottom, then I know I did everything in my power before giving up.

Unfortunately, that's the only way I can see to get out. If I give up before bottom, did I really do everything I could?

My head KNOWS there is no way to help Colin. He's sick. He won't seek treatment. I'm not a doctor.

But my heart is trying to convince me he is still a human being. Somewhere inside there is a good man. Have I done all I can to reach that good man again?

Wow. I'm just so lost right now...

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