Thursday, June 9, 2011

OMG! I finally get it!

I finally get it. I get why I am always hurting so much around Colin. And why it seems he has no empathy what so ever.

And I finally get how I ended up here.

Why did it take me so long to see it? Anyhow, that isn't what matters anymore. What matters is I get it, and no matter how much I want it to change, it wont. All I can do is get out. Run Run far. Run fast.

John, and the time I was living with him in 2010 was setting me up for what Colin had in store for me.

Narcissistic personality disorder.

Can't even really say John had it exactly. He was just very self centered. And when push came to shove, everything had to revolve around him in some way. But he was a little aware that that is not healthy. He would at least try to some extent. That's why I didn't see it.

But Colin doesn't even try. Not one iota. He did in the beginning. I think he thought he could trick me into falling for him at one point. And I guess I kind of did. I honestly thought he was a good person, deep down inside. I honestly believed he was given a raw deal in life, and deserved better.

But now I'm seeing the whole picture.

* In public, a person with narcissistic personality disorder may pretend to be the perfect wife or husband, acting charming and polite ...

• You may have no idea of the lies they are telling you or the lies they may be telling about you behind your back.

• They will lie and paint themselves as an innocent victim to try and gain sympathy and justify their own bad behavior (while fooling themselves that their lies are the truth).

• They may be very charming and even humble in public, fooling people so they won’t believe how verbally abusive they are in private or the cruel things they say behind people’s backs.

• They will lie and manipulate people for attention, perhaps acting a bit too good to be true.

• They will act as if they should never be questioned and that they deserve things they haven’t worked for or earned, while trading on other people’s honesty and hard work.

• Their criticism and lack of concern for your well-being may cause you to feel rejected, hurt, humiliated, powerless, ashamed and angry, while also leading to possible psychological and psychosomatic health problems and addictions within your family.

• They will act superior and like they are more popular than you - while being cold, arrogant, withdrawn and unavailable.

• They will show little or no regard for your well-being and feelings.

• In private however they will be sarcastic, haughty and insulting and put people down (including friends) behind their backs.

Why couldn't I see this sooner? I knew something was wrong. Something was very wrong. Why was I more concerned about hurting him than taking care of me?

Well, at least now I know I can't possibly hurt him. Or rather, no matter what happens, he will read into it whatever he wants.

I can see it already. He kicks me out, or worse shoots me. In his head, it was my fault. Because I was so scared of him he had to do it to protect himself from the horrible person that is me.

God. I feel like such an idiot. But at least it's over. Thank god. Now to get out and save myself. At least I now have enough tools to protect my heart.

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