Sunday, June 19, 2011

Pro's n Con's

Thanks for the idea Lori. I was kind of doing this all day anyhow, but I agree. I should put it down in black n white.

PRO'S - reasons to stay here
- I like my job
- I have a job
- I pay almost no rent
- When push comes to shove, Colin won't let me go without the basic necessities if I need them
- I can learn to love this place... maybe.
- There are some good people here
- I don't miss the fighting back in Calgary. I don't know if I could do it again.
- I'm broke and don't have work at home.

CONS - reasons to leave
- There is certain people at work that can't stand
- There is a possibility that I won't be working there for much more than an additional year anyhow.
- I don't know how much more my mental health can take living with this narcisistic pig!
- I don't know if I can afford to go it alone here. Rents are too high, and I have nothing of my own here.
- I am so home sick.
- I haven't met very many good people, and definitely none I've connected with yet. I can't keep going in this isolation "tank"
- I miss my kids
- No more Narcisistic pig sabotaging my efforts for the marathon
- More time to train for my marathon (no work n all...)

I just got off the phone with my ex. Told him how close I was to leaving today. Told him I'm not sure I'm over it yet.

I did tell him I would try to visit soon. I need a break from here.

So what wins out? I still have no idea. I can tell you this though. It will destroy my self esteem again. I will grovel and crawl and do anything to get him to stop hating me again, just so there's peace around the house. Then try to pick up the shattered pieces, and try to keep training.

I can tell you right now, this is NOT the way to train for a marathon...

Maybe I should hold out a little longer. See if things get better. Also save some money up for when I finally do leave here.

Colin's texting me again. Not sure why. I think it's all part of his control. He NEEDS to know how much I'm hurting by his treating me this way.

Maybe I just need more distress tolerance skills. Find a way to not let this completely destroy my self esteem.

Maybe going for an early morning run will help too. I'm not so sure. I don't really like really early am running. But I'd better get used to it. The marathon starts at 6am. Good thing it's on the west coast. It won't feel so early to me...

I can't wait. For San Francisco this October. Maybe I can use that as a carrot. I need spending money, and money to pay for the hotel room there. Keep working!!!

Any other suggestions?

If I stay away from Colin, he get's madder because I'm ignoring him.
If I text/call him, he gets mad because I'm being too...
If I'm not home, he gets mad, again I'm avoiding him.
If I am, he stays away...

I just can't seem to win.

Maybe I can find things to do on my own here in the house. Keep my mind occupied, and not let me dwel on this crap.

I know running helps, but when it gets really bad, I'm scared to go. Mind you, on Saturday morning, he was okay with it, even though I was actually kind of ignoring him when I went. Don't think he caught on to that though.

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