Monday, June 6, 2011

What is wrong with me?

I spent all that time earlier blogging out my frustration with my room mate.  I even wrote a blog kicking myself in the butt to get out there and run today.  Then what do I do?  I send Colin a text message to see if he wants to join me for supper.  He makes me feel completely worthless all over again.  I am right back down where I was when I started this whole day.  Even worse, because I wasn't sure if he was upset today or not. 

Why do I do this to myself?  Why can't I just walk away from him?  Let him deal with his own baggage?  I mean, I have plenty of my own to deal with anyhow. 

Maybe this is his plan to sabotage me.  He hates to see me enjoying things I love.  Look at dance.  And look at what he's trying to do with motorcycle riding.  He's trying to completely destroy everything I love, so that all I will do is sit in the house and wait for him.  Hour after hour.  Day after day. 

I can't do this anymore. 

So why do I keep reaching out to him?  I know how it's going to end.  Badly.  For me.  EVERY TIME. 

The definition of insanity - repeatedly doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome.  I must be going insane.  I can feel it too.  It hurts.  My head is just aching. 

You wouldn't let anyone else treat you this way.  If he had done this the first week you were here, you would have walked away.  Never looked back. That's what he deserves.  For me to just walk out of his life.  Never look back.  Not even as a friend.  So many others have done that to him.  No wonder he feels so alone.

But he brings it on himself. 

So why am I feeling so responsible? Why do I feel that it's my job to fix that for him?  Since when have I become responsible for a mentally ill old man who doesn't care about himself, so isn't capable of caring one iota about anybody else? 

I haven't.  That's the reality.  It's NOT my job.  It's NOT my issue.  IT'S NOT MY BAGGAGE.  PERIOD!

I'm going home in half an hour.  I'm going to put on my running shoes.  I'm going to get out of the house.  I don't care where it takes me.  I don't care how.  Okay, on my two feet, running the whole time.  But I'm just going to go. 

Does it matter if I run 70min or 100min?  No.  All that matters is I run today.  I run to clear my head.  I run to stop my heart from hurting.  I run to regain some strength.  I run to regain some self respect.  Some self confidence. 

I run to try to meet my goals, that I desperately don't want him to take from me.  I don't want to give him that power. 

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