It's been a long time since I blogged. I found myself very busy. Things in life kind of took a turn for the worse.
After my brothers funeral, things kept piling on. Mom had a knee replacement, and needed me to run her to the hospital for the surgery, home after, and back in for an infection a week later. This wouldn't have been such a stressful issue, but a one way trip from my home, to moms, and to the hospital is about 8 hours of driving. Don't get me wrong. I am glad I was able to do it. It was just a huge "thing" for me.
At work things got really bad. Mostly because of the time I needed off.
In December, my grandfather passed away. I was too sick to get to that funeral, but I tried.
And of course, family "crap" from Matthews funeral. It's gotten so bad I'm just walking away. I'm beyond done.
In early December, I went to Las Vegas with my son to run in the Rock and Roll Half Marathon. I put my back out two weeks before, and was barely able to move. Changing from lying to sitting, or sitting to standing would cause me to black out from the pain. It broke my heart to have to accept I had to drop out of the race. In the end, I walked it. I did cross the finish line, and went the whole distance. That helped me feel a little better. I felt like I could still do something. Finish something I started.
Between the family stress, losses, and crap at work, I am SO glad 2012 is over. I don't think I could have taken any more.
Tomorrow, I start at a new location. Working for the same company, just at a new office location. That was a lot of stress to bring about. And the stress in the last week in that office leading up to my move just got so much worse. At least I'm out of there now.
The new position will entail overtime - up to 2 hours every day. I have made some arrangements to save/invest this "new found" income. So my retirement investments/savings will start to grow like crazy.
I'm struggling with some issues with Hubby. He was stressed out over the Las Vegas trip. He came with my son and I, but...
Overall it was a great trip. However, my son told me after the trip he felt like he was a third wheel on our trip. Didn't really feel fully included. That bothered me. The trip was for him. Hubby also told me later that the next trip would be just us. He didn't really like having my son along. It bothers me that he doesn't get it. This trip was for my son. Period. It was his 21st birthday gift, Christmas gift, and a chance for him and I to get to know each other as adults, not a parent-child. It just feels like I let him down on all fronts there.
Hubby is also stressed about a few more things. We talked. I'm getting back into dance competitions. He wants to learn with me. So not only am I learning my routines (lots of stress there right now), I'm teaching him too.
Don't get me wrong. I LOVE dance. I'm excited to learn the new routines. To get back to competing. To teach Hubby so I have a dance partner. It's all good.
It's his stress that's getting to me. He seems to think it'll just come to him. I keep telling him, you need to work at it to learn right now. Eventually, it'll get easier. But for right now, it's work work work.
As for my routines, I still don't have them. I talked to an instructor in Vegas - early December. He was going to send me videos. So far, nothing. April is the first competition. It's coming up soon, especially considering I can't take weekly lessons. I need the time to work through the routines and learn them so I'm ready to connect with my instructor and practice. It's starting to stress me out. I'm even considering getting another instructor to get me started. I'll be making contact sometime next week to work this all out.
I use these blogs to vent. To work through the thoughts rolling around in my head, and maybe my heart. To get them out so I can see they are not as big as I may be making them out to be.
Hubby saw me blogging this morning. It was my financial blog - where I'm tracking my journey to having some retirement savings. He was concerned at what I was saying. Nothing was really all that detailed. It went into how much I'm contributing of my salary to different programs, how much the company is doing, and finally what I'm going to do with the overtime I'll start to be getting. General terms, and percentages. He got a little excited. I know he isn't used to this blogging thing. He has no idea why I do it. I don't think he even knew I did before today, or what I blogged about.
I just wish he'd understand, I need to deal with my issues/things in my own way. We both see my wanting to dance differently. My desire to loose weight. To run. He sees it as too much stress on my body. I've tried to tell him, yes it's stressful. I need to do it to get where I want to be. Yes, I'm struggling with health problems. I won't let them keep me from doing what I need to do to get past these problems. Loosing the weight will help alleviate the physical symptoms of whatever it is that is causing me so much digestive distress and pain. It also helps with my breathing. My energy levels. And my overall mental health. He just doesn't get it. All he sees is how exhausted I am. How I have to force myself to just get out there and do it, especially for the first couple of weeks. Then he starts to sabotage it. Cooking foods I love, that are more padding than fuel - which makes the next run/workout that much harder to do. It also stalls my progress out, and I end up discouraged.
I am just starting at times to feel a little trapped. He's supportive of my "things", but only so far. If it goes against something he wants, he starts to make me feel like I'm doing something wrong.
I won't park in the driveway anymore. He makes a habit of parking across the driveway entrance, so I can't go anywhere with my vehicle unless I move his truck. It's a control thing. So rather than get into it with him, I just won't park there anymore. I've tried to tell him, I'm here by my choice. I want to be here. I'm not going anywhere. But if this continues, I'll have to let him know I feel like my choice is being taken away. Once that happens, I'm gone. Period.
Don't get me wrong. I love him. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. But I can't be controlled like that. No way. I am my own person. If I'm going to be happy I need to still be a whole person - not a puppet who does whatever someone else wants me to do.
Anyhow, that's my vent for today. At least I got some time on my own today to be able to get it out. Often Hubby's sitting next to me, and he tends to look over my shoulder to see what's up. I get it. But sometimes I just need me time. Online. At home. Anywhere. I just need space.