Saturday, January 12, 2013

2012 was a long, tough year.  I can honestly say I'm glad it's over.  Between the stress on the job, losing so many family members, it was just more than I could take. 

I've started this year off fighting back. 

First off, I'm keeping a positive blog.  Trying to find something positive every day.  Or a poster/picture that caries a message that has meaning to me, and will help guide me on the right path in life.  At least, what I think is my right path.  Today is day 12, and I've kept it up.  They are not long blogs, but there is one there for every day.  I'm still working this into my daily routine.  Once it finds an appropriate "spot", it'll take 3 weeks of doing it then to become a habit.

I am also working on my weight loss again.  I've found I've struggled and kept giving up on myself time after time.  A couple of nights ago, I had a lot of trouble breathing.  Just like the asthma-like attacks I used to have.  It was frustrating to think they are coming back again, but it shouldn't surprise me.  Last summer I noticed the heartburn and abdominal pains are back too. 

This attack made me realize I really can't just keep waiting for something to happen to make the weight go away.  I NEED to do it.  I need to make the steps.  NOW.

On Friday morning, I tried on my jacket that I got from the Las Vegas RnR marathon.  It was tight when I bought it.  Well, it was not as tight yesterday.  It is still pulling across my chest, but not as much.  Hubby walked in and busted out laughing.  When I got mad at him, he told me that would never change.  I told him it would so.  When I loose weight, it gets looser.  That's just the way it goes.  Well, he doesn't believe that.  I left for work angry.  Heck, I'm still angry about that one.

It made me realize something though.  He's been like this from the start.  The "go-to" meal around here is pasta.  Yes, I make my own pasta sauce, and it's great.  But having pasta as much as we do, no wonder I've put on pounds.  When Hubby suggested pasta on Thursday night, I went out, bought chicken breasts, and cooked up my old go-to meal when I was loosing weight.  Grilled chicken breast with a little seasoning, baked potato with a little bit of butter, salt and pepper, and lots of vegetables.  Doesn't really matter what kind.  Even frozen will do in a pinch.  Just lots and lots of vegetables.  That entire dinner comes to under 500 calories.  If I'm really hungry and craving more  protein, another chicken breast will only add another 171 calories.  That still does not set me too high for my supper. 

When I try to set aside time/energy to go running, he does all he can to make sure it doesn't happen.  Talks me out of it.  Makes me feel bad for being too tired/sore to have sex after.  You name it, he has done it.

It's taken me months to be sure, but now I am.  He doesn't want me to loose the weight.  He does everything in his power to try to stop it. 

I can't keep letting this happen.  It's my body.  It's my choice.  I can't let him keep taking that away from me.  Look at where it's gotten me so far.

The positivity blog I'm keeping seems to be helping when this kind of crap gets thrown at me.  I actually created another positive blog AFTER all of this happened.  So although it does make me angry, it no longer completely ruins my day. 

Yesterday was a day to be ruined.  It started out with Hubby laughing about my trying on that jacket.  Then I got stuck in a severe winter storm.  I did make it home safe, but was really frazzled by the time I did.  Then when Hubby came home, he didn't seem to have any idea why I might be out of sorts.  I really don't get what's wrong with men.  Anyhow, he went out for the afternoon, and didn't come home until after midnight, drunk.  Yes, he drove his truck drunk again.  The one thing I told him was a deal breaker for me. 

Anyhow, I don't know what I'm going to do.  I just want to dig my car out and leave town, at least for the weekend.  Where am I going to go?  I just don't think staying here is a good idea.  So for right now, I've got the coffee on.  I'm updating my blogs.  And I'm going to just stay put. 

But I am going to go out for a run today.  No if's-and's-or-but's about that one.

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