Update on Yesterday, and some upsetting stuff...

Okay, good stuff first. I am counting yesterday as a success.

I ran 20min - burned over 160calories.
Then I rode my pedal bike for 30min last night.
I ate clean.
I cleaned the kitchen. Okay, the suitcases are still in the middle of the kitchen, but I did clean.
I cooked and ate a good supper at home last night.

Overall, I count yesterday as a success. Not a knock out of the park, but a success.

Colin called last night. Wanted to BBQ my bass. I wish he had told me. I wouldn't have eaten my supper. But no biggie. I went over. I could eat a little bass as well. See what it tastes like.

I got there, and found it. He took pics when we were fishing the other day. Well, he printed one and had it framed. Now I'm on his wall. Like some friggin trophy.

Let me tell you, I'm NOT HAPPY about this. Talk about making me feel like a cheap piece of trash.

Okay, if I'm over reacting, please let me know. It just has me so upset.

I left. I texted and asked him to please get rid of that picture. He said no. That's the last I have said to him. I don't know if I will every say anything to him again. He asked my what the problem is. He has pictures of friends who are important to him.

I DON'T CARE. IT'S MY PIC HE'S POSTING. I'M NOT OKAY WITH IT.

I feel so violate. So cheap. So used.

Okay, if I am over reacting, then why am I having such a severe reaction to this?

I could let this drive me nuts. Or I could do my best to forget about it for a while.

I am so close to breaking into his house and destroying that picture. As well as erasing all the pics on his computer. But it won't do me any good if I can't get ahold of his camera and erase it.

Okay, I have to stop now. It's taking too big a toll on my. I need to find another way to deal with this whole thing.

Suggestions? Help!!!

***********UPDATE
Text's are flying back and forth.

From Colin - "I guess you have a problem with me having a picture of you"

Me- "I have problems with pictures of me with anyone. Especially when they are posted as a trophy"

Colin - "If u think that ur just a trophy as u put it, think again"


Maybe I am taking this all wrong. But why would it upset me so much?

Time to SNAP OUT OF IT!!!

Wow.  What a crazy weekend. 

I finally did it.  I packed my bags and left the abusive room mate I've been with for almost a year.  Just packed up and left while he was out of town. 

We have other issues going on in that friendship now.  I'll deal with that later though.  Right now, I have something more important to deal with - ME!!!

Okay, even I know it's not always that easy. But I also know when it's time for some tough love, and starting to kick my own butt.

TODAY IS THAT DAY!!!

Yes, this weekend was hard. It's going to still hurt on and off for a while. Deal with it. Cry if you gotta. BUT STOP WALLOWING.

You can't stop all the hurting. It'll heal in it's own time. But you can do something. You can focus on you for a while

Get out there. Do what you need to do.

Okay, so today you feel too sluggish. Still down.

Make ya a deal. The water is on in the new place today - finally.
Go HOME and clean. Put on the hrm and clean. Clean until you are exhausted. Clean until you can see an end in sight. JUST CLEAN!

Okay, it's not quite the Nike logo Just Do It! But why not? It's physical. I'll burn calories. And I'll be accomplishing something for me. Getting my place together. Starting to set up a place I can settle into. A place to feel comfortable. Secure. A place where I can become ME again.

I don't think that's such a bad thing...

Attitude

Like the image on page background today says - Attitude is Everything.

I know this. On more than one occassion, my attitude has either carried me through what I should not have been able to do. It has also kept me from being able to reach my potential.

It's a mental game. In more ways than most people realize.

Yes, it is key to listen to your body. If you are experiencing pain, STOP. If you need to, see a doctor.

For me there are a few key factors I follow. As well as listening to any pain in my body, I also watch my heart rate. Even if I seem to be doing well, but my HR is spiking for unknown reasons, I take it easy.

But for arguements sake, lets say the body is saying todays workout is a go. No pain. HR is maintaining, or even low. But for some reason the workout is feeling almost impossible. What then.



It may just seem like something everyone says, but it really is so much more.

Yesterday I was running. The plan was to try and finish either a 100min or 120min run. HR was great - even low. No pain. Body felt strong in fact.

HUGE pi$$ off. It was a BRAND NEW player. This was it's maiden voyage.

First thoughts, turn to Walmart and go tear a strip off of someone and get a new one.

Nope. It wasn't their fault it's garbage. Besides, the box is at the office. On Monday I can get the box and return it.

I can go buy a new one anyway. What a reward for finishing my run. I get to go SHOPPING.

I decided to turn my attitude. With the right attitude, I could still finish this run. I might even discover I like running without music.

I wasn't going to let this keep me from trying to reach my goal. So I pushed on.

It worked. I made it to 100min. But that was from listenening to my body. As I rounded that corner, I was starting to hurt. I was also a 5min walk from the finish point. It was all good.

This is not the only time that my attitude pushed me through.

Just something to keep in mind. If the workout seems harder than it should be, try an attitude check. You might be surprised.

And the saying "fake it 'til you make it" is good to keep in mind here. If you don't feel the positive, I can do it attitude, fake it.

Just try it. Banish all negative thinking towards your workout.

"I can't make it"
"I'm gonna throw up" - think this one enough and watch those cookies get tossed.
"It's too hard"
"I don't deserve to be successful"
"It can wait until tomorrow"

It all has to go. Replace those thoughts with

"I can do this"
"I am xx% done already. I can finish strong!"
"I deserve the success that I will feel with finishing"
"Pushing will only lead me to loose more weight/gain endurance/go farther next time"
"I can't wait to brag about my accomplishment on SP when I'm done"
"It'll feel so great to be successful and done"
"I am making full use of my time now"
"It's my time for success!"

I can be one of the most pessemistic people you've ever met. It has taken a lot of work to actually use this. But it's so worth it.

Fight back. You Are Worth It!

**************
This blog came about because of an attitude issue I'm having today.  I am over the top upset.  What set me off?  My breakfast was screwed up again this morning.  I mean, it's not like I don't ever eat there.  It's the only place in town I eat breakfast.  The have to custom make stuff for me, because of my food allergies.  But can they seem to get it right?   only about 50% of the time.  I was so mad.  It amazed even me. 

I decided right then and there, no more.  I won't waste my time trying to eat there anymore. 

But I still don't get why I'm so upset. 

I think a big part of it is my room mates behavior lately. 

He's back to ranting and raving about stupid things.  I don't care about that so much.  My issue is when he's yelling about it.  He doesn't even know he's doing it. 

Last night, we went to DQ for some ice cream.  He started.  No biggie.  But while we were driving back, he got so angry and so loud, he actually physically upset me.  I had to stop eating my ice cream.  He was screaming and swearing about this whole situation from the past.  Actually re-living it.  And I gotta tell you.  It NEVER HAPPENED!!!  I know this. 

He acts like he's this big protector of right and wrong.  And he's always right.  He's always wronged by someone else.  It's that narcisistic thing with him...

I know how he is.  He feels wronged, he storms off.  Drinks.  Smokes.  He will not confront anyone.  If I even mention how much his anger when he's re-living these things is upsetting me, he'll get mad and retreat.  No talking to me about it.  No seeing how much it is really making me physically sick.  Just retreat and tell anyone who'll listen that I have done him wrong. 

Anyhow, based on my reaction to breakfast this morning, it's getting to me more than I even realize.  I'm so glad he's gone for a while today.  Give me some space.

I am feeling kind of low today.

Low or lonely? Not really sure which. Okay, I'm leaning towards lonely.

I want someone who wants to just hold me for awhile. Just let me feel safe and secure. Feel like I can let go of all this "stuff" I've been carrying for so long. Just let it all go for a while. Cry if I need to. Just release everything and let it all go.

But I don't feel I can do that. It will leave me too vulnerable right now. And I can't afford that. There is too much negativity surrounding me here. I need to keep a thick skin. And unfortunately that thick skin not only keeps stuff out, it also keeps stuff in.

I feel like I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders, and a dark cloud over head.

I feel like I've been fighting an uphill battle for far too long. It's starting to wear on me.

"Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence"
I know this quote. It's on my wall.

I've been persistently fighting back. Keeping the negativity at bay as best I can. Fighting to keep my strength up. Just fighting.

But the negativity and pain and suffering has also been persistent. I feel myself weakening.

I've been in actual physical pain for two days now. Today is not as bad as yesterday. I do have to admit, I get really down as I recover from this kind of pain. I feel so weak.

I wasn't able to run. I get strength from my successful workouts. I know that. I am missing them too right now.

It feels not only like my heart is out there for anyone and everyone to trample. It feels like my entire body of skin has been turned inside out. It's harder to NOT hurt me like this. I end up hurting even from stuff that most people wouldn't think hurts.

Guess I'm kind of moping today. I'm going to fight back later. Find a way to. Kick my own butt into working out. But as you can see, it's going to be a long, uphill battle the entire way...

I really wish I had someone here to support me. To give me the strength to move forward when I feel like this. To provide me the security to just let it all go for a while, knowing they would carry me for a bit. Provide me with the strength and protection I needed while I rebuild myself...

No offense to all my sparkfriends, but it's not the same....

Today's Reflection

Something we were withholding made us weak, until we found it was ourselves.
- Robert Frost

Who is standing in your way?

Imagine someone regularly tying small weights around your ankles as you try to climb a mountain. Doesn't sound fair, does it? But that's exactly what you can do to yourself, a little bit at a time, if you don't watch out. When you think of who and what is standing in the way of your dreams, it's easy to forget your own responsibility. Even the best of us can be guilty of unknowingly hurting our own progress. Procrastination, lateness, being disorganized, pessimism, not being honest with yourself, severe self-criticism, downplaying achievements, focusing only on weaknesses while ignoring strengths, keeping goals a secret, demanding perfection, giving up after a small setback--these are all ways you can make it tough to be (and do) your best. Smart systems, the right attitude, and a promise to keep going no matter what will make a world of difference.

********************

I get this one. I do it to myself all the time. I am actually in danger of doing it to myself again right now.

I woke up this morning feeling like such a fool. This after a night where I couldn't sleep. It's taking all I have to not break down and cry right here at my desk. I'm pretty sure those around me here today know something is very wrong.

I just can't seem to find it in me to pull out of this right now. I know I need to. I need to move onward and forward. It's the only way I'm going to get where I need to be. It's the only way I'm going to find my motivation again. It's the only way I'm going to be able to push myself to move forward, and to not slip back into old habits.

I just don't even want to right now.











I just don't know if I can snap out of this. I spent most of my day yesterday crying. Why does it have to drag on like this? Why can't I just decide to put it behind me and move on?

I know. This is where I can show what I'm really made of. I can prove that I am stronger than this obstacle.

I can show him just what he's missing out on.

I can prove to EVERYONE including me, that I am stronger than even I think.

Right now, I'm the only one standing in my way. He's gone. In reality, he never should have been viewed as an obstacle.

I need to find a way to get past this hurt and anger, and tap into my inner strength. Find it in me to fight back. The sooner the better.

I am feeling completely stupid and used right now.  I guess the writing was on the wall the entire time.  I just didn't want to see it. 

I just wish I could blame it 100% on someone else.  I prefer to have someone other than myself to blame.  But I'd have to admit it is at least 50% my fault.  I just didn't want to open my eyes and see...

And now I'm paying the price. 

I need to work on repairing and keeping my self confidance.  Believing I am worth it.  I am worth more than this.  Believing I'm not a complete idiot, or trash. 

Sad part is, it's going to actually be hard to do that.  I guess my best bet to do that right now is to grab to the little bit of me that feels I was misled.  I may have walked down the rose garden path, but it had to be put there for me to walk that way.   I was honest from the beginning.  I can't necessarily say that for everyone involved. 

I guess it all comes down to being too trusting again.  I trusted that path, and willingly went there. 

What a fool

Pro's n Con's

Thanks for the idea Lori. I was kind of doing this all day anyhow, but I agree. I should put it down in black n white.

PRO'S - reasons to stay here
- I like my job
- I have a job
- I pay almost no rent
- When push comes to shove, Colin won't let me go without the basic necessities if I need them
- I can learn to love this place... maybe.
- There are some good people here
- I don't miss the fighting back in Calgary. I don't know if I could do it again.
- I'm broke and don't have work at home.

CONS - reasons to leave
- There is certain people at work that can't stand
- There is a possibility that I won't be working there for much more than an additional year anyhow.
- I don't know how much more my mental health can take living with this narcisistic pig!
- I don't know if I can afford to go it alone here. Rents are too high, and I have nothing of my own here.
- I am so home sick.
- I haven't met very many good people, and definitely none I've connected with yet. I can't keep going in this isolation "tank"
- I miss my kids
- No more Narcisistic pig sabotaging my efforts for the marathon
- More time to train for my marathon (no work n all...)

I just got off the phone with my ex. Told him how close I was to leaving today. Told him I'm not sure I'm over it yet.

I did tell him I would try to visit soon. I need a break from here.

So what wins out? I still have no idea. I can tell you this though. It will destroy my self esteem again. I will grovel and crawl and do anything to get him to stop hating me again, just so there's peace around the house. Then try to pick up the shattered pieces, and try to keep training.

I can tell you right now, this is NOT the way to train for a marathon...

Maybe I should hold out a little longer. See if things get better. Also save some money up for when I finally do leave here.

Colin's texting me again. Not sure why. I think it's all part of his control. He NEEDS to know how much I'm hurting by his treating me this way.

Maybe I just need more distress tolerance skills. Find a way to not let this completely destroy my self esteem.

Maybe going for an early morning run will help too. I'm not so sure. I don't really like really early am running. But I'd better get used to it. The marathon starts at 6am. Good thing it's on the west coast. It won't feel so early to me...

I can't wait. For San Francisco this October. Maybe I can use that as a carrot. I need spending money, and money to pay for the hotel room there. Keep working!!!

Any other suggestions?

If I stay away from Colin, he get's madder because I'm ignoring him.
If I text/call him, he gets mad because I'm being too...
If I'm not home, he gets mad, again I'm avoiding him.
If I am, he stays away...

I just can't seem to win.

Maybe I can find things to do on my own here in the house. Keep my mind occupied, and not let me dwel on this crap.

I know running helps, but when it gets really bad, I'm scared to go. Mind you, on Saturday morning, he was okay with it, even though I was actually kind of ignoring him when I went. Don't think he caught on to that though.