My daughter...

She was born in 1994.  I was back in University.  I was actually taking one night class a week.  She was born on a Sunday, and we were both in class that Monday night.  She came with me for the last 5 weeks of class. 

I met her dad Simon when I was in University in Manitoba.  We were in class together.  Things seemed great at first.  Then my mom noticed Ryan, my son, was scared of Simon.  I started to watch.  He wouldn't do it in front of me, but I started to suspect he was hitting Ryan.  No beatings, but he had no business touching my son.  Period.

Anyhow. we had moved from Manitoba to Calgary into Simon's mothers basement suite.  We were going to live there as a family.  I went to visit my grandmother for a week or so while things got settled.  Then I found out Simon was stealing from me.  He stole some government cheques, and a child support payment.  He actually forged my signature on them.  When I asked where the money was, he got mad and told me not to bother coming back. 

Here I was, 5 months pregnant.  Everything I owned was in Calgary with Simon.  I had nothing.  My mom helped.  She, my grandpa, and I drove to Calgary and got all my stuff out of his house.  I never spoke to him again.  I did try to contact Simon once.  Adrienne was due in about 3 weeks.  I sent him a letter.  I told him we would never be together again, but his daughter was about to be born.  I had an extra room in my home and he was welcome to use it if he wanted to come and meet his daughter.  He never got back to me.  That was his loss.  She is such an amazing young woman now.

Ryan, her big brother, adored her from the first minute.  He doted on Adrienne.  I was alone raising two children, going to University, and struggling with overwhelming depression.  But those kids were everything to me.  They were the only reason I kept fighting for my health.  They were so sweet. 

Adrienne was a mini me.  She looked exactly like I did at that age.  Same attitude.  Same everything.  It was interesting.  You know when your parents threaten you with a child just like you?  Well, I got one.  Boy, I was a tough child to deal with...

But Adrienne was so worth every minute.  No matter how sick I got, I did my best to do right by those kids.  They meant the world to me. 

We had quite a few trials over the next few years.  My health got much worse, before it got better.  But that's for another blog later.  Despite everything, we made it through. 

I may have regretted many things in my life, but nothing about my kids.  Not once.  By the time Adrienne was two, I had met Bruce.  Bruce and I were married in 2001, but again, that's another story for later...

This photo was taken on Adriennes First Birthday.  I have first birthday portraits of both my kids.  I'm not sure why I only have Adriennes on my hard drive.  I've gottta get Ryan's scanned in soon too.

This photo was taken during Adriennes first dance competition.  She took first place in her age division.  I think she only competed the once.  Such a shame.  She is such a good dancer now...

We are too much alike, and tend to not get along because of it.  But I have learned a lot over this past year and a half.  I moved away for work.  She did not want to come, and tried to make it on her own in Calgary.  She ended up moving back into the house with Bruce and Ryan.  I have learned that she is no longer my little girl.  She is a young lady who will do everything in her power to do what she wants to do.  If there's a way to do it, she'll find it and do what needs to be done.  Very determined. 

I miss her and Ryan more than words can say.  They don't know it, but I am considering just up and quitting my job in order to move back.  It breaks my heart daily not being with them. 

My health took a huge toll on all of us.  I have appologized to both my kids for what happened to our family becuase of it.  But I did the best I could.  They had a roof over their heads.  They had food.  It may not always have been exaclty what they wanted, but they never went to bed without supper because I couldn't afford to feed them.  I did, but they didn't.

I feel like the luckiest person in the world to have such two wonderful people who call me mom.  I just hope I can make it all up to them both someday...

My son...

My son is 19.  He'll be 20 this September.

He was born when I had just finished high school.  Yep.  I graduated that June, and gave birth that September.

I was head over heels in love with his dad.  No idea how it happened either.  I had been living alone for over a year.  I had moved back into the house I grew up in.  Both my parents had left it, and it was going up for sale.  While it was on the market, I lived there.  That's when I met Fred.

I was in high school.  He wasn't.  He was many years older than I was.  At first, we were just acquaintances who would pass each other in our every day lives.  Then I found myself looking forward to chatting with him on my way home from school. 

I don't even remember how or when, but suddenly we were dating.  Friends of mine warned me he was married.  I confronted him with this as soon as I had heard.  I didn't want to be that person.  No way no how.  He wasn't worth my time if he was a cheater.  He actually showed me divorce papers.  I believed him.

Little did I know, he was living with someone else.  Had been for years.  When I found out, I tried to leave.  I cried for days and days.  I missed him so much.  Then I found out something else.  I was pregnant.

Scared, and still missing him, I told him.  We both struggled with this bit of information.  He was staying with his "wife" and I was... well, we all know what I was.

But despite this fact, I couldn't bring myself to leave.  I was alone, scared, and expecting my first child.  At least he was there to help me with that.

After my son was born, he was there quite a bit, helping me take care of the baby.  Finally, when Ryan was 2 months old, I had a scare.  I woke up sicker than a dog one morning.  I was scared that I might be pregnant again.  I went for a test right away.  Thankfully it was negative.  That's when I decided enough was enough.  Between that, and Fred's wife wanting to take custody of my son, it was time to go.

I made arrangements and got help.  I moved.  Not just to a new place.  Out of the province.  I moved to be closer to where my mother was living.

I didn't tell Fred I was going.  I just disappeared one day.  I never came back or talked to him for years. I still missed him every day, but the distance between us was helping to keep me away.

While I was gone, I started University.  Ryan and I did quite well on our own for a few years.  It was during this time I took Fred to court for child support.  He was pissed.  The court ordered him to pay all of $100/month for our son, and he still fought it.  Anyway, the courts imposed this payment, and he made it every month.  Not always on time, but I got it every month.  That's one thing I can say for him.  He might not have been there, and didn't help much, but he did what he had to.

When Ryan turned 2, we moved back to the city where his dad was living.  I looked him up.  Ryan had problems, and I couldn't afford the program that I wanted to get Ryan into for these problems.  I went to his dad to ask for help with Ryan.  I never even mentioned the program.  I just asked for help with our son.

It broke my heart, when he told me to take that child and get out of his life.

So that's exactly what we did.  We went straight from talking to Fred, to the grocery store to pick up Ryan's 2nd birthday cake.  Even then I knew it was Fred's loss.  Ryan was an amazing little boy who deserved better than that jerk.  I decided then and there Ryan would not be told about this.  Not while he was growing up anyway.  He didn't need the baggage this would cause.   

When Ryan was about 4 years old, I took Fred back to court for a better support order.  This time he was ordered to pay $400/month.  He fought that one.  The judge laughed at him  Said he was getting off with an insulting amount up to now, and $400 was more on with what his income was, so it was time to properly support this child.

That was all the support of any kind I ever got from Ryan's father.  When I married, I changed all our names to my husbands name.  We also moved out of province again within 2 weeks of getting married.  As far as I can tell, Fred has no idea where we are, or even what our names are.  It's his loss.  Ryan is an incredible young man.  I am proud that he calls me mom..

I am not 100% sure if I ever did tell Ryan this story.  I think I did at one point.  He was well into his teens, and was asking about his dad.  He wanted to meet him.  I told Ryan who his dad was, and why we left.  I also told him one day we would go back and look up his dad.  Just to be prepared in case he still hated me.  He would say nasty things to try and get even with me.  That this would have nothing to do with Ryan.  It would be hatred directed at me.

 That's my son.  The pimp costume was from Haloween in 2009.  He took 1st place for mens costume.  I took first for womens.  My love of Haloween rubbed off on him. 

Monday May 30

I haven't checked in for a while now.  No biggie.  I've been a bit busy.  Mostly it's due to wondering how long my room mate will keep being nice to me for.  It has me on edge a bit. 

Wondering when he'll loose his temper again. 
Wondering why he's being so nice.
Just wondering.

I really need to get out more.  I can't stand being cooped up in that house so much of the time.  Been trying to reach out to a few people around town.  Just not really sure about it anymore.  One day it'll be fine.  Next day I get brushed off. 

I just need a change.  I really don't know what though.  Maybe I should pick up and leave town.  No job lined up in Calgary though.  Hmm.  Maybe I should make plans to just go anyway.  Work for so long, then pack up and go. 

The neighbors wife is back hitting on my room mate again.  I really don't understand why it upsets me so much.  I am not interested in my room mate that way.  It just gets to me.  She complains about how her hubby treats her, and how she has very few friends in town.  Guess what!  Stop cheating on your husband.  Be a faithful wife, and maybe people will start to think you might have it in you to be a faithful friend again too!!!  No one wants a friend who's likely to start hitting on their hubby/boyfriend.  I guess it's really none of my business though...

I was shopping online for some new fitness clothes.  I am struggling to loose weight.  And new workout clothes helps sometimes.  But I can't decide.  I guess I'll have to go into a shop one of these days...soon.  There is a new shop that has opened up in Regina.  They are competing with Lululemon.  They have the long yoga pants.  I mean really long - 36" inseam.  Just what I need.  And some nice colors.  Maybe it's time for a road trip.  Go shopping.  Get something new and nice.  I was thinking of something like these too:

I still might get these.  You can't hide ANYTHING when wearing something like this.  Would be good for progress pictures.  Mind you, I do have those bikini's...

Besides, shorts ride up on me.  My thighs are still too close together.  I am starting to wonder if I'll ever loose those fat deposits.

However, having an outfit like this and wanting to wear it out for a workout might be enough motivation to work for it.

Why do I have so much trouble treating myself once in a while...

I'm not talking food. I'm talking just doing nice things for myself. I am really struggling with doing nice things for me. I used to go and get my nails done every 5-6weeks. Mind you, they were gel nails, and needed the upkeep.

I stopped that months ago. Now, I am trying to take care of my own nails. We all know how that goes...

Anyhow, this past week I've made it a priority to paint my nails. Actually, it's been two weeks now. This week, each hand is painted differently.





I've got black tips wth white and silver lines on one hand, and white tips with flower stickers on the other. I figure if I keep working at it, I'll get better and better.

But it's not only here I lack in treating myself. I need a haircut. Have for a while now. I just can't bring myself to do it. I mean, I've been short of money too, but I am noticing the first thing to go on the back burner is treating myself. I'm going to have to change that.

May 25, 2011

Today I'm finally starting to feel better.  Not so much like I'm trying to run through wet cement all day long.  I still have a cough, but it's not so bad anymore. 

I got a phone call today.  A telephone interview for a position I applied for here in Estevan.  I would love to say it went great, but I'm not so sure.  I think it went well, but then at the end, he asked if I'd be okay if he  passed my resume to another position that I might be suited for.  At first I thought this was a good thing.  Then I got  a  feeling that this was an easy out.  A way to hire  someone else for this position and  and pass  me along into the secretarial pool.  Don't get me wrong.  I am good at business administration.  But I also have a computer degree.  I don't understand why guys are like that when it comes to these positions.  Hire their buddy....

Okay, never mind.  I don't know why my mind is going there.  He probably didn't mean anything by it.  And here I am over-reacting. 

I just find it so frustrating...

I still haven't heard about that job back in Calgary either.  Not a word from Mike in a long time.  It's starting to look to me like he's just not interested in hiring me.  Oh well..  No biggie.  I just wish he would tell me. 

Anyhow, I went for a run today.  It felt good.  I am going to go again tonight.  The run today was cut short - I was being eaten alive by mosquitoes.  Decided it'd be better to cut it short, get some bugspray, and go again later. 

As you can tell from my ranting earlier, I really do need to get out there and run again.  My mental facilities are under undue stress from lack of exercise.

And the room  mate?  Glad you asked.  Or am I???  Kidding.  He's being exceptionally nice to me lately.  Almost too nice.  Got me worried.  Walking on eggshells again.  I am working on not letting it get to me.  The tough part is, if I keep avoiding him, it'll piss him off.  But I don't want to compromise who I am anymore.  I don't like listening to him rant and rave.  He's always complaining.  About how he is right, and everyone else is wrong.  Or about how everyone hates him.  Or how they've done him wrong.  I am sick to death of it all. 

I'm tired having a "friend"  who blames everyone around him for his issues. 

I miss having real friends close by.

Someone who is there for you.  Someone there with a shoulder for you to cry on when you need it.  Someone who genuinely carees about your well being and successees

I would love to go out tonight, but...

...  I have no one to go with.  I just went through my contacts list on my iPhone.  No one.  I know someone I could ask to join me for a movie, possibly.  But I don't have a way to contact him.  I might try to see if he's at the bar after work. 

Yes, I know.  Bar.  Not a good sign.  The guy drinks.  Way too much.  But I'm not looking for a life partner.  Just someone to go to a movie with tonight. 

I texted my room mate to see if he wanted to.  Yeah.  I get the whole Bad Idea thing there.  But he's someone I know...  Anyhow.  His answer?  "c what hap".  Talk about feeling like I got the brush off.  Find.  You c what hap.  I'm going.  I'll find someone who wants to spend some time with me.

Maybe....

Walking on eggshells again

Colin  came home yesterday.  He's back to being sorry for the way  he's acted.  Not overly sorry, but sorry.  I think he has no idea how to act around me anymore.  He gets mad at me fro pulling away.  Then he gets mad at me for not. 

He wanted to go for a motorcycle ride last night.  I told him I  was feeling sick.  I didn't lie.  I i  am sick.  And I don't feel safe.  He doesn't get how impossible it is for me too ride  when I don't feel safe.  I honestly hate it. 

But he realized  when he got  home that  I was sick.  He didn't push the issue.  I'm glad. 

He even kind of tried to say good morning this  morning.  I just can't take this.  I told him I'm not interested.  I wish he would just back off.  Guess I'll have to find a way to find a life for me, without him. 

He didn't even tell me about the Ramblers having their weekend bash this past weekend.  I guess he thinks if he can't go, then I can't go either.  What is wrong with him?  I'm not his property. 

I just don't know what to do right now.  It's better having him not angry.  Or is it really?

I need to get away.  Away from him.  From his warped sense of what life is. 

But I can't right now. 

How can I deal with this?  How can I deal with his stuff, and not piss him off again.  I told him last time, I'm not going to feel like a part of someone's harem.  I deserve better.  I don't think he understands though.  If I'm important to you as a friend, then I'm important.  I'm not a punching bag.  I won't put up with this crap over and over.

He really hurt me on that trip back from Calgary in April.  Nothing has been the same since.  Nothing.  I wonder if he even realizes that's when it all changed?  Probibly not.  Then he might have to actually take some responsibility for his actions - realize it was his actions that have caused this rift between us. 

I just don't know what to do.  Things would be so much easier if I just played along with his game.  Maybe I should for a while.  Until I can get out. 

But I can't keep compromising my beliefs and who I am.  I deserve better than that.