Well, today is the day of truth.  I will wait to see if Tammy gets back to me or not.  I am assuming not. 

I just can't keep doing this.  I really need to make some real friends around here.  People who know what friendship really is.  Not people who pretend and put on a front. 

I have already deleted Terry from my iPhone.  I might hear from him a few more times, but I'll be too busy to chat much.  Time to put that whole mess behind me.  Far behind me. 

It's overcast outside today.  I guess that's kind of dragging on my mood.  I'm feeling a little mopey today. 

I will be kicking my butt out the door soon for today's run, but I'm not sure when.  I'm waiting on a phone call from a recruiter for a position I applied for a few days ago.  It's with an oil field company, so I'm looking forward to talking with her. 

I guess I'll have to maybe install the running song on my iPhone and use it as my music player today.  Either that or wear a second headphone that is plugged into my iPhone so I don't miss the call today. 

I think that's the best way to go about this - a second headphone.  The last thing I want to do is miss that call again. 

The trailer hitch I ordered for Max should be here today or tomorrow. 

So that about sums it all up.  The weather is dreary.  I'm feeling a little dreary too.  I've got so much to do today too.  I guess I should get to it.  I have so much work to do in the house here for my daughter coming later this week. 

Maybe that's what I'll do now.  Get up and start moving stuff out of that room.  It's not like I'll have the energy to do it after my run.

I can't sleep tonight. Not sure why. All I know is there's a lot on my mind.

I ran today. It felt great. I felt strong. This evening I went for a walk. I got home and felt better than I have in a long time. I realized how motivated I feel to keep it up. I also realized how much weight I allowed myself to put back on. I sat there tonight wondering how I could let that happen. And how I could feel so trapped that I was unable to loose it again.

I'm not sure what all has changed. Heck, even this morning I was trying to talk myself out of my run. It was a huge undertaking kicking my own butt out the door to exercise. I had to trick myself. By the time I realized what I was doing, I was already 5 minutes into it.

I know my diet has changed. That's obvious. And I guess I have changed too. Something's different now. I feel stronger. Like I can do what I need to do. Like nothing can stop me now.

So why can't I sleep? I'm still not sure.

I haven't heard from Terry today, but that doesn't really bother me. I've decided it doesn't matter. I'm looking for a life partner and he's looking for his next fix. No matter what, it can never work. So I'm walking away. It doesn't really matter anyway. I've got a wonderful man who wants the same things I want.

I am actually looking forward to regaining my hard smaller body for him. I can't call it little, because I'll still be well over 6' tall, and hovering around the 200lb mark, even when I'm back in my size 9 jeans. I can't wait to get there. If I stay on track, I can be there before Halloween.

I'm picking up my daughter in a few days. She's moving down here to live. I'm so excited. I still have some work to do to get the room ready for her.

So why am I up at midnight blogging? I have no idea. I just know there's something on my mind, and I was hoping blogging would help me discover what it was. No such luck though.

Tammy texted earlier today. She offered me use of the truck, but I haven't been able to reach her since this morning. Been trying to arrange to pick up the truck tomorrow night do I can detail it on Wednesday. I guess she's brushing me off too now. I'm really getting tired of this crap from my so called friends.

Tammy texted today.  Said I could use her dad's truck.  I let her know it was okay if it wasn't possible, I'd find another way.  She's okay with it, just worried.  I told her I'll take better care of it than if it were my own.  And I do.  I always treat other peoples things better than my own.  Yes, I am obsessive about taking care of my own things.  But when someone trusts you with something of theirs...

So that's a go.  I'm so glad.

Today I also kicked my butt up out of the chair and went for a run.  I am so glad I did.  My calorie burn is back up there.  I'm moving again.  I was visualizing the awesome body I'm working towards by getting out there and just doing this. 

The endorphins are nice too.  It's been too long since I've felt this good.  I love it. 

I have an interview for a job with the government today at 2:30pm.  It's permanent part time.  As long as there are descent benefits, I'll take it.  I'm excited to go for this interview.  That being said, I'm still applying for other jobs I'm finding.  There are a few oil field jobs that have come up too. 

Wish me luck.  I sure hope I can find one I love soon.

Today I booked a trailer.  I ordered a trailer hitch online, and I'm looking for someone to install it for me on Wednesday night.  It should be here either Tuesday or Wednesday, so I'm hoping I can get it on before I go to Alberta.  If not, no problem.  I'll take it with me to get it installed in Calgary.  The trailer is being picked up on Friday morning at 7am.

I am so excited to pick my daughter up.  We haven't lived together in years.  When I left, she didn't want to come with me.  So I arranged for her to stay until she was done high school.  Well, she graduated.  She has to take a couple of additional classes this summer online, but she's basically done. 

I need to clean out my room.  I have one room here that is full of all my stuff.  That is the room Adrienne is moving into.  So all my stuff has to go.  I have no idea where it's going to go.  I do have access to a U-Haul storage locker for 1 month - it's included with the trailer rental.  So I think I'm going to take advantage. 

I don't really want to put my stuff into storage though, so I have no idea what I'm going to do about this.

Terry's been texting me today.  I figured I wouldn't hear from him again.  Guess I was wrong.  I asked him something today.  I asked him if he was happy.  He told me he was.  That tells me he's happy with the life he's chosen for himself.  He doesn't feel he's missing anything.  He's not interested at all in making changes and settling down. 

I'm not judging his choices.  That's not why I asked.  I asked because he hinted he wanted what we talked about in the past.  He actually asked me to move in with him.  His answer today told me he's not really into that.  He wants to keep his party lifestyle.  It does not work when someone is sitting at home. 

So it's helped me make a decision.  I'll be there for him as a friend if I can.  The biggest problem with that is he does not know what a friend is.  So I also need to keep that in mind. 

I can already see it.  In about 2 months - more likely much sooner - I'll be back here blogging about how I feel hurt, or used, or anything else. 

I have to accept that this is the lifestyle he's chosen for himself.  This is the lifestyle he wants.  Until he doesn't want it anymore, there's nothing that can be done to help him.  Period. 

What a crazy, eventful month so far.  I think things are settling down a bit now.  I am no longer having regularly occurring panic attacks.  I still have some anxiety, but no where near as bad as they were for the first two weeks.

My daughter wants me to come pick her up as early as this Thursday.  I am trying to arrange a truck to take to go and get her, but it's like bashing my head into a brick wall.

Tammy offered.  I even checked with her again a few days later to make sure it was all good.  Then when I let her know I was thinking I'd go this week to see if it works, she never answered me.

Wow.  Why not just be honest and tell me no.  I mean really.  This is really putting a strain on our friendship.  If she can't be honest with me, then forget it.  I know she's got a lot of users in her life.  Then she goes on and on about how everyone's using her.  I'm assuming that's what's happening right now, and I'm being painted with that same brush.  I've already told her.  I don't expect anything out of her.  I don't want any thing from her.  I am just there for her.

So why would she even offer if it's such a big deal?  I mean really.  She didn't have to say anything.  I wasn't asking to borrow her truck.  I was telling her I needed to get one.  That's all.  So I guess I still need to get one.  Or get a trailer and a trailer hitch...

*************UPDATE**************************
Just finished buying a trailer hitch for my vehicle online.  It should be here in 2-3days.  Here's hoping.  Then I have to get a trailer...

It was a rough day yesterday. 

I went into Regina for a break.  I also picked up lots of stuff I can't find out here.  I got some Quinoa, Coconut milk (even some in chocolate), ground bison, lamb, and a live lobster.  I needed to find some to add variety to my diet, and this will definitely help.  At least for a few days.

I was so excited to bring the lobster back and cook it last night.

Lee was in a bad mood right from the get go.  So needless to say, I didn't cook the lobster.  It's still in the fridge.  I'll cook it tonight.

He was off the deep end angry.  He never said if it was because I went into Regina without him, so I won't put those words in his mouth.  I know it was around the time I'm spending with Tammy.

When we went to get groceries, I told him what's going on with Tammy, and why I'm spending so much time out there.  He was still mad, and even crowding me, so once he was settled into bed with the massage pillow, I told him I was going out to get Subway salad for supper.  I picked one up and went to see Tammy. 

I was mad, Lee was mad.  I needed to get away.

When I got back, we finally talked.  He admitted he is struggling with jealousy.  He knows he's got no reason to be jealous, but he is.  I told him I understand that, and I'll try to do what I can to alleviate it. The reality is though I'm feeling smothered right now.  I need my space.  I hate that I feel I have to take it.

I told Lee my "fight or flight" has been triggered, and I won't fight with him.  So I run.  I know it's a defense mechanism.  I'm finally starting to see why it's been triggered again.

I'm scared.  I am relying on Lee to take care of me, and I'm not sure I can handle that.  Maybe I should apply for EI.  I do have a job interview on Monday, but in the meantime, it can't hurt to have a backup with some kind of $$ coming in right?  I do have a tax return coming - over $5,000.  Plus if I'm not mistaken, I probably have some back CTC owing to me.  That is if the government actually gives it to me.  I'm not holding my breath waiting.

My daughter wants to move in with me soon too.  That has me scared too.  That means we will both be relying on Lee for some help until we both get on our feet.  I'm also scared I'll blow this with her.  I never thought I'd get another chance to get to know her again.  This is huge.  And I hate to admit it, but I'm afraid I'll blow it. 

So I blog.  I write out all my fears, and worries.  Put them down on "paper".  Try to make more sense of them while I work through them all. 

Last night, Lee and I had a fight.  Rather, he got mad at me, and I left.  I'm such a mess I won't fight with him.  It will only lead to things said that can't be taken back. 

So I went out.  Tammy invited me over - the whole reason Lee was upset with me to begin with.  Tammy's been avoiding me lately.  Last night I found out why.  She's still smoking *#@(%.  It upset me to see her in this state, so I went over to see Terry.  He asked me to stop by.  In about a half hour we were on our way to Tammys. 

He was trying to talk her into stopping. 

As much as it hurt last night, I'm glad I went.  When we were talking on the way to Tammy's I told Terry why I didn't stick around.  He didn't need to be around that crap.  I was worried for him.

After we were there for just over an hour, Terry lit up too.  I almost cried. 

We left a few hours later.  I sat with Terry and watched part of a movie.  He had to go to bed for work, so I got up and left.  I think he was hoping I'd stay, but there's no way.

As much as it hurt me to see what I saw last night, I think I needed to.  No matter how much I care for these people, it doesn't change anything.  Instead it breaks my heart. I hate to see these kids having to live like this.  But it's not my baggage.  I need to walk away from all of it before it becomes my baggage.