I feel so lost today.  I have a pretty good idea what it all is.  I need to say good bye to some people who are toxic in my life.  My head knows it.  My heart also kind of knows it.  But that doesn't make it any easier.

There was a time when I believed they were friends.  When I believed they would be there when I needed someone.

They have proven they are not that.  Drugs has too strong a hold on them.

It really hurts me to know such good people are lost to drugs like this.  That there is nothing I can do.  I tried before.  It didn't go well.  In their warped sense of thinking, I was responsible for some of the bad things going on in their lives.  Let me tell you, you do not want to be the scape goat in this senario.  It's downright dangerous.

It broke my heart when I had to walk away before.  I am not as involved this time, but I can already feel it hurting.

The strange thing is, I know most of this emotional turmoil is due to other things - namely this cleansing diet I'm on.  I've lost 10lbs already, and am still loosing way too fast.  Part of my weight loss journey is dealing with the emotional issues that helped pack those pounds on.  It's almost like the fat has an emotional memory.  When it's accessed again, and burned off, the emotions come out of it.

I know this all sounds kind of crazy, but if you've ever undergone significant weight loss, you might have an idea what I'm talking about.  It's a very emotional process.  You have to come to terms with the issues that packed that weight on.  For some reason, it all seems so much more overwhelming as it's coming off.  I really have no idea why.

In general, I feel better.  I feel stronger.  I have more coping skills.  All due to the fitness that is happening when I'm loosing the weight.

Maybe that's it.  I believe you are only dealt what you can handle.  Maybe my stronger coping skills are allowing these issues to surface again.  I am strong enough to deal with this baggage that had to be buried earlier on.

I hate this feeling.  I feel so foggy.  So lost.  So hurt.

Despite all of this, I know I can get though it.  I will do all I can to fight it off.  I'll do my best to not text or contact Terry or Tammy today.

Even as I write this I feel so selfish, especially when it comes to Tammy.  She's having a tough time right now.  I wish I could be there for her, but it feels like she's pushing me away.

I couldn't do it.  I sent her a message.  Let her know I'm here if she wants to talk.  Even just to come out and visit.  I hate to see her going through this crap.  And realistically, I need some support too.  I feel so vulnerable right now.

I miss having my friend to talk to.  To rely on.  To bounce things off of.

As for Terry, I don't need that in my life at all.

I still don't know what happened with him last year.  I have no idea how I let my guard down and let him in so fast. Or how I fell so hard for him so fast.  I guess I was just much more lonely than I wanted to believe.  I didn't even feel safe.  But when I was with him, I believed he wouldn't let anything happen to me.  I felt safe.  I was able to sleep again.  Add the fact that he seemed to need me too, and wow. 

But why is it still there now?  After the way he treated me?  I've moved on.  Or at least I thought I have.  I love Lee.  He's the best man I've met in a very very long time.  Every day he makes me feel like I'm the only one.  He spoils me rotten.  I couldn't ask for more. 

So what's going on with me? 

Some people in your heart can not be in your life

 

I really needed to see this today.  Now I need to hold it close to my heart and thoughts, and live by it.  

I almost met up with Terry last night.  I don't think meeting up with him is the bad thing.  But he wanted to go to his place and watch movies.  I am so glad I am still too freaked out by what happened to go out to the farm again.  

We did text for a while though.  

I don't know why I'm drawn to him again.  No idea.  When I saw him last week, I realized there is nothing physically drawing me to him.  

I think it's the lost puppy thing he's got going on.  My desire/want/need to help others.  

And seeing him so vulnerable on Sunday.  I never thought I'd see it again.

But I need to remember what happened last time.  He not only ran scared, he hurt me badly.  Humiliated me.  Why would I open myself up to that again?  I deserve so much better.  I have so much better.  What I have now is so NOT worth risking for this looser.  Yes, he's a looser.  I know it. 

I figured something out last night.

This whole Terry thing had an interesting turn last night.

The withdraws were getting to me again.  I was starting to vibrate, so I arranged with Tammy to go out to the farm for a while and visit.

Well, surprise surprise, Terry showed up.  Well, to make a long story short, we got a chance to talk.  Really talk.  Alone.

Terry was telling me how he's feeling lost these days, so I let him talk.  Get it all off his chest.

Well, before the conversation was over, he said something I never thought I'd hear from him.  He made a huge mistake.  The last time he remembers being happy was when we were together.  He panicked and ran, and he regrets it.  Thinks it's the biggest mistake he's ever made.  Then he asked me to move in with him.  Said he'd get "us" a place if I'd move in with him.

I just about fell out of my chair.  I knew he was kind of working on me again, but wow.  I told him I couldn't.

I got home and he texted.  Asked me if I wanted to go to the movie.

I really need to talk to him.  I can't do this, for so many reasons.

But all of this got me thinking.  I remember how much I cared about him.  How much it hurt when we broke up.  And I remembered how I've had so many others in my life do the same thing.  Jon.  I was over the moon for him.  Not sure why, but I cared so deeply for him.  Then he asked me to leave.  Two months later, he was asking to move in with me here.  Bruce.  It was great for years and years.  But it got really bad during the breakup - divorce always can be.  But he has been trying to get me back since I left.  I wasn't worth saving while I was there, but as soon as I was gone...  Colin.  Okay, with him we did not have a relationship like that.  We were room mates.  But he was always so angry.  He scared me.  So I ran.  Within 2 months, he was almost begging me to move back in.

Why am I a magnet for this kind of treatment???

Lee is so different.  He treats me like a queen.  All the time.  He tells me he loves me.  He tells me I'm beautiful.  He tells me how lucky he feels.  His actions and his words tell me the same thing - I am important to him.

There is no way I'm throwing away what Lee and I have for someone like Terry.  Next time he texts me, I'll let him know we need to talk.  I need to tell him some truths.

I need to tell him I can't afford this.  He hurt me really badly last time.  I can't risk it again.  I won't.  I'm happy now.  And he needs to move on. 

I came home last night.  Curled up in Lee's arms for the night, and never felt better.  He loves me.  I can see it.  I can feel it.

There never was any question about this.

Today is much better.  I finally figured out why my thoughts have been so erratic and scattered.  I am going through sugar withdraw.  It's pretty bad right now.  It explains a lot - why I'm anxious, unsettled, why my fight or flight is so often triggered and I'm running from it. 

I did text Terry yesterday.  Just said hi.  Asked him if he knew where to get buffalo meat around here.  Lee and I can't seem to find any.

That's about it.  This morning, I realized this is not a path I want to really go down again.  If I hear back from him, ok.  If not, ok.  I don't really care either way.  Getting a hold of him was not to reconnect in any big way.  I guess we have kind of started to reconnect over the past week as it is.  It's just ...

I don't really know what it is.  I don't want a relationship with him again.  I am happy with Lee.  Lee treats me very very well.  Why would I want to go back to someone who treated me so badly?  Nope, I definitely don't. 

I think it's all coming down to my wanting to help people again.  Yeah, I think I've gotta get over that.  I don't need to keep attracting "wounded animals" into my life.  I deserve so much better.  I deserve real friends, who'll be there for me when I need someone.  Who'll be there to help me celebrate the happy times.  To be a shoulder to cry on in the tough times.

So I'm thinking it's done.  I won't be in touch with Tammy or Terry again.  If I hear back from them, I'll respond.  But I won't go seeking them out anymore. 

I don't know what is wrong with me - I seem to keep seeking out these high risk situations.  Thing is, I don't really like it most of the time.

Oh well.  At least once in a while I can see what I'm doing, and realize I don't want it. 

Sometime this week, I'll have to start the job search again.  That's a whole other story.  I'll get into it later.

My thoughts are still such a mess.  Last night Tammy invited Lee and I out to meet her at the bar for Karaoke.  I told Lee, and he was up for it at first.  Then he decided no.  Well, when I told him I still was going, he got mad.  We are really struggling right now.  I don't even know why.  I know he loves me.  I know he wants me in his life.

But right now, I just need to get out of the house.  Get out and do something.  I'm not always like this.  Often I love to just stay home and watch tv for the evening.  In fact, we've been doing that for months and months.  I think that's part of why I want to get out and do something so badly.

I just need to find a way to tell Lee this will pass.  I'll want to stay home again soon.  But right now I want to get out.  Socialize.  And no that doesn't mean flirt or date or any of that crap.  I love Lee.  I'm faithful.  I just need to have interests and a life outside of us.

I'm feeling crowded.  Not just in the way I've said above.  I have no room in this house for my stuff.  None.  Everything I own is stacked into one room.  So tightly stacked I have trouble finding my things.  My daughter is moving down here soon too.  She'll be moving into that room.

So what do I do now?  I mentioned this to Lee.  He's fine with it, and figures we'll find room.  I'm stressed about it all.  There is NO room.  Period.

While I'm in here working through all of this, I might as well be 100% honest.  Terry is still on my mind.  I'm wondering if part of my fowl mood last night isn't partly due to the fact he never even bothered to send me a text.  How messed up is that???  I really don't need or want this crap in my life again.  He is not even attractive - not at all.  I think my wires are still crossed though.  However he won me over before, it still seems to have some hold on me.  But I need to break it.  The hell he put me through last fall.

The worst part is, the more aloof I am about him and all of this, the more he is chasing.

Maybe it would be best for everyone if I just laid low for the next while.  No more seeking this stuff out.  But even as I am typing this, I know I'll be on my phone texting Tammy to see if she wants to get together.  Wow, I'm really screwed up in the head these days again.

Just to be clear - I am not attracted to Terry.  I don't want him back in my life.  Even if I weren't with Lee, I wouldn't want Terry.  Maybe I need to adopt a part of that theory that Jon has - you get one shot with me.  Once it's over, it's over.  Never look back.

Besides, if for some stupid reason I did look back, what do I have to look back to?  Being ignored.  Crying alot.  Being alone all the time.  Being treated like garbage.  Having my significant other telling everyone how "crazy" I am - mainly due to his drug issues.  So not what I want or need in my life.

But Terry said something the other day that hit me.  He hinted that if I told him to not do this anymore, he'd quit.  He kept saying he was going to be kicking his own butt the next day.

Maybe that's my problem.  Wanting to help others.  That is so unhealthy in this situation though...

Never thought I'd ever see that...

wow.  What a night - and no not a good one.

Tammy is so much worse than I thought.  Last night I saw her doing much stronger drugs than I ever thought she'd ever do.  Just couldn't believe what I was seeing.

I knew she had drug issues, but I didn't think she did anything harder than pot.  What an eye opener.

Terry too.  He was there.  I saw him the night before.  We were all having drinks and a bonfire at Tammy's.  Of course, there was pot.  There's always pot.  No biggie.

Terry was acting differently though.  He was not crowding me, but almost hovering.  It was strange.  I just kept an eye on him and what he was up to.  He didn't try anything.  He kept getting me drinks.  Then when I fell asleep - yes fell asleep not passed out - he made sure I was in a bed with a good pillow and left.  As soon as his truck pulled out, I was up and out of bed again and out with everyone.  I just needed some down time and I was right back up and in it again for a while.

Last night, same kind of thing.  He was just being so considerate.  Seeing him high like that was a major turn off.  Not that he ever had a chance of turning me on again anyway, but wow.

We went for a short walk around the farm.  He made sure I had a warm enough coat.  And we just talked.  When he and Chad left, he asked me if it would be okay to get a hold of me to talk again.  I told him he knew where to find me.

I don't expect him to contact me any time soon.  Tammy and her boarder went to Regina today for something.  I'm assuming he's with them.  Just a good reminder of how he was before, and that I NEVER want to go back there again.  NEVER!

But then why can't I get this out of my head???

Wow.  Been a long time since I posted here.  I had no idea. 

Life just kinda went crazy for a bit and I lost touch with this blog.  But no time like the present to pick it up again.

So much has changed since that last blog post.  Terry's out of my life for good.  I finally was able to move on and break away.  I lived with Tammy for a couple months.  Mostly lived in her place - she was in the hospital, so I moved in and helped take care of her kids, and home.  It was a very busy, very crazy month.  Once that all settled down though, I found myself moved on from her place. 

We've tried to keep in touch, but she lives such a different lifestyle than I do.  I've felt for a couple of months now we are just growing apart.  At first I was fighting to keep it from happening.  But then I realized, I was the only one fighting for it.  So I gave up.  We might text once a week now.  Talk?  Heck, we haven't in over a month.  It makes me sad.  I thought I had a good friend in her.  I guess it was mostly one sided though.  Oh well.

I've heard though the grapevine that Terry often asks about me.  I really wish he'd stop, and I think he may have.  I haven't heard him asking around a few weeks now.  I like it that way much better. 

I have a new vehicle.  A new place to live.  A new sweetheart.  A new job.  There have been so many significant changes in my life over the past 6 months, it amazes even me.

Right now?  I'm on a medical cleansing diet.  I saw a naturopath a week ago Friday, and they put me on this diet to help me test for food allergies.  Today is day 6.  I am really struggling with this one.  I'll write a post about it all later. 

Summer is finally starting to show it's head around here.  I'm actually starting to enjoy it too. 

There's a lot going on in my life right now.  I also have a lot to be thankful for.  I can genuinely say I am happy.  I really am.  I have a feeling of peace these days, despite the stress my body is under right now for this dietary testing.