Friday's Storm

We had a storm pass by here on Friday.  It was hot and sunny all day.  I left the living room and by the time I got to the kitchen, the sky went dark.  I went back into the front room and instantly this is what I saw

Then the hail started

Then just as sudden as it all hit, it was sunny again

All of this within a 10 minute window.  An hour later I saw this picture posted on facebook.  Explains the weather.

Luckily this never did touch down.  it did enough just passing over. 

It's been a long time since I posted here.  I have had a lot happen. 

I've discovered why I was in so much pain - the doctors are thinking it's my pancreas not working right.  it'll take months and testing to figure it out, but we are working on it. 

I ended up being laid off at work.  Road bans slowed things down considerably.  It was okay though.  I honestly believe that job, and the excessive hours, was costing me my health. 

I spent some time trying to decide what to do next.  I now am working as an in home worker.  Helping families who are struggling with all types of issues.  I've also decided I'm going back to school for my masters in social work.  I've found a program that I can do almost all online.  I do need to go to the school for two weeks - one in the first year, and one in the last year.  Everything else can be done online and through distance learning. 

My plan is to get my MSW, then to get some additional training in EMDR therapies.  I want to focus on mental health. 

I've decided I need to do something productive with my life.  This is something I'm good at, and have gotten away from.  So it's time to turn it all around and get back to my roots.

I'm training for the next half marathon I'll be running - Queen City Marathon.  I'll be running the half.  So I'm trying to train.  I've had some trouble - caught a cold, been feeling bad.  I'm not giving up though.  I'm getting back on track today. 

That about sums it all up.  It's been a busy couple of months, but I'm feeling pretty good about all of it. 

I really don't know if I've got any fight left in me anymore.

I've been trying for a month now. I've ended up sick and in pain for over half of it. The pain in my stomach has been almost unbearable.

But I've been fighting through it. I know what the cause of the pain is - at least a HUGE part of it anyway.

I got a phone call on Friday night. For those of you who don't know, Friday was my 40th birthday. It was tough enough - mainly because of everything that's been going on for the past 5 months. First I lost my brother. Then a very close friend of the family - like another grandmother. My cousins lost their child - he only survived for 10days and couldn't hold on. My grandfather died a week later.

Anyhow I've been trying to pull myself out of this rut of depression I've been falling into. Then I got that stupid phone call. It was my mother. I thought it was birthday wishes. Nope. Wrong again. My nephew passed away. On my birthday.

I just can't do this right now. I'm fried. I haven't been able to deal with my severe mood swings for the past few days. I find myself getting angry with Hubby because he can't seem to understand I need some time alone. It's not that I don't want to be with him. I need some time to grieve - to work through these losses. It's becoming a fight. I just can't hold it together anymore. I can't keep pretending everything's okay.

No wonder my stomach won't stop hurting.

Today

It's feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders right now.

I know that attitude and how I approach things is a huge part of how I will feel about them.

I honeslty tried to have a positve outlook this morning. I really did. When my mood started to turn, I took some time, and decided I wouldn't let some silly attitude ruin my day.

Then the silly little straw that breaks the camels back came along. It doesn't really matter what it was. I lost it. Got angry. Very angry. Then cried.

I really should have taken a sick day off of work, but with all of this HR stuff supposed to be settled by the end of this week I didn't want to drag it out until after the long weekend.

I am in so much pain again today. I caved and took some painkillers. I am trying to curb the physical pain, so I can change my attitude.





I know what this is all about. It goes so much deeper than anything I've said on here before.

Deeper than loosing my brother - it's honeslty bordering on survivors guilt with that whole issue.

Deeper than just gaining some weight - I am beginning to see that I really don't love me anymore.



I need to believe this. I don't right now, but I need to.



I am sorry, but I had to get that out of my head. I don't know if it's the last I'll say on any of it. I guess it's not really likely. It's time I admit to myself what is really going on. I can't get through it if I don't face it. But not right now.

I need to turn my thoughts today. I don't want to let this spoil our weekend away. I won't let it.

As for the straw that broke the camel's back this morning? I need to look at it as an excuse to go shopping. What the heck. Who doesn't love that?

The physical pain is not really changing - the painkillers aren't even touching it. I didn't expect they would. I think it's tied a lot more closely to this mess going on in my mind than I want to admit. But I CAN'T let that stop me.







Time for me to discover just how strong I really am.

And just so you all know, stopping by with well wishes, reading my blog, commenting, they all let me know that although I feel completely alone in these struggles, I am not. There are others out there who care, and are doing what they can to help me fight back. Others out there cheering me on and encouraging me to keep going.

I don't say it enough, but thank you.

Disconnected, and scared.

I am so disconnected today.  I didn't even realize it..  I think I've been this way for a while.  I remember having anger issues last week.  My best guess is that not long after the anger went away, the disconnection took over. 

I need to fix this.  I will just get worse and worse if I don't reconnect. 

I'm not even sure why I've disconnected.  I just know I am. 

I've got a big birthday coming up in a month.  I'm turning 40.  I've known for a while this one will be tough.  I remember how tough 30 was.  This one is worse.  Loosing my brother last fall is just making it so much worse.  He was younger than I am. 

I also have issues with Hubby.  But I'm wondering if the issues are real, or if I'm nit picking.  Afraid of things going so well, so I try to sabotage them?  Maybe. 

I've gained weight.  Almost if not all that I lost in 2009.  I'm struggling with that fact.  I know how to fix it, but haven't done anything about it yet.  I don't really know why.

I have everything I need to get my fitness back on track.  In fact, until last Friday, I was on track again.  I was running 3 days/week, and going to the gym the other 3.  I ran 6 days the first week.  Then started the gym/run alternating the next week. 

I haven't gone to do either this week yet.  No real reason.  I just haven't.  I'm feeling worse for it. I'm feeling guilty for not going. 

I finally realized this afternoon just how disconnected I am.  I know it's a defense mechanism.  I don't know why.  I just know it is.  I guess it's time to focus on what I need to do to bring me back.  Get this fog out of my head.

Mindfulness.  Every day.  All the time.  But in the beginning, especially focusing on doing it throughout the day.  Countdowns.  5 things I see.  5 things I hear.  5 things I smell.  5 things I feel.  5 things I taste.  4 things I see....etc. 

Keep tracking everything I eat.  I need to be mindful of what I'm putting in my body.  And I need to focus on drinking water.  Maybe it's time to cut out all other drinks.  It's a shock to the system, but maybe that's what I need. 

Feeling a little better today

I took today off work - called in sick.  I'm not really lying.  I have been out of sorts for a few days now.  Besides, I have to do some day to day stuff that I really can't do while I'm at work - replace my debit card, see the chiropractor, get my new glasses adjusted.  It's a shame I'll loose the 2 hours of overtime.  But since I'm salary, I won't loose the entire day.  I still feel guilty about it though.

So I'm starting my morning off by sleeping in.  Going to get a good breakfast at some point.  Get all my running around done too.

I didn't do anything last night after work.  The office shut down an hour early.  A blizzard blew in.  We got out of there while there was still some daylight to see. 

I need to not only get moving again.  I also need to get practicing.  I don't want to waste the time and money I spent on those dance lessons this past weekend. 

Overall I've been feeling completely defeated.  I got on the scale this morning.  I wasn't expecting to see any results - I haven't worked at it since last Thursday.  I was kind of surprised to see some progress.  Mind you, when I was kicking my butt, I didn't see any.  I know there can be a lapse between the work, and the results.  I also know something else.  If I don't get back to it soon, I'll watch that hard work all be wasted too.

I know it doesn't really sound like it, but I am feeling a little better today.  More at peace.  I've just fallen into a rut, and need to find a way to crawl back out of it.  I guess I need to write a today's kick in the butt blog soon. 

:(

It's been a very long week. If you've read my last blog, you will know why hubby and I are having problems. They are not getting any better.

I'm also struggling to get out and do what I need to do for my fitness. Yesterday, I was so depressed, I just went home and straight to bed. No supper. No bath. No fitness.

It wasn't good.

I can't keep doing that.

Today I HAVE to get out. Either to the gym or running after work. Either one is okay. As long as I do something.

I can't get upset by the results I didn't get with the work I didn't do. How do I expect to ever get this back on track if I let these things knock me right off???

Besides, I really felt bored last night. Bored and ashamed. Ashamed that I didn't do what I needed to do to get the job done.

The plan for tonight is either the gym or running, supper, then off to the gym to practice dancing. I've got 6 weeks before I should get back to see Richard. I need to KNOW the stuff he challenged me with this past weekend. The better I know it, and can feel it, the faster I'll progress onto something more with my dancing.

As for hubby, we still aren't really talking. I don't even know who to talk to him. I'm so upset by it all, I just want to walk away.

But then I realize what I'd be loosing. I don't know.

Why am I so confused? Maybe as good as this all is, it's just not a right fit for me. Or am I just sabotaging things because for once they are good????

I hate this.

I really need to turn my mind to better things. Find the beauty in everyday things around me again. Pull myself out of this funk.

It's my birthday in a couple of weeks. Just under 3 actually. It's a big one. Maybe that's what's bothering me?

I really don't know anymore. All I know is I'm very very sad.